~IntelLectualization~

Back from Adelaide.

2010-11-23T18:40:00.012+08:00

Whee! Finally have some time to do own stuff. As promised to my parents, Am gonna wash both of the cars and clean the whole house today. And yes! I did! Including my old, dirty,messy,depress looking, lonely room! But lacking of some tools. Gonna get it to mount my screen on the wall. :P

Back from Adelaide few day ago. Too bad I didn't get a chance to meet mee in addy due to not fully recovered food poisoning. Asshole oyster...I ate one and I am done. Gosh! But...on the other side, isn't it a better way if i don't meet her.

Msn-ed with her yesterday. Guess she's already in a relationship tho. According to what the content she's given. Yeap. Tho maybe...looking towards together. And dunnolah. Haha. That's enough info for me to know that they will be together reeeeeaaaaaal soon. Siapatu. Isn't it obvious? Haha.

Sometimes I might be proud of myself. Masters in hiding myself...my mood. According to WC...some of my action can be predicted. But not my mood. Haha. Guess there's no one can know what am I actually thinking. Maybe sometimes I have the intentions to hide it, but nowadays it's a habit tho.

Knew it from WC...MP is in love with me. Lolz. Should I be proud? And hey! Let's start a relationship! But honestly, I haven't get thru the previous relationship. Actually not at all. Lolz. But well. I'll have to move on. And am really started to lost trust in relationship. Instead of saying that I have no people want, why can't I say I actually...purposely...push people away from me?

It's not that pleasure tho to know those. But things are too obvious to be know. And am got a little bit sensitive sixth sense. Lolz. Typical scorpio. But well. Wish her all the best in her relationship.

Guess Australia, or Unisa isn't a place for me to stay, I should go to other Uni instead. Just in case of any repressed memory popped out. Lolz. Peer veet? Paradox? I thought I'm making a way to addy for her. But guess it's abit too late.

Tried to impress her with a house. Work like donkey also nevermind. Lolz. Working with paradox. Doing ATM's security software. Guess I don't know what's the motive behind? You are the person who bring me into hacking. And now he got caught in brooklyn. It's all because of you! And now i'm working with you again. ATM security system again. Haiz...

Neway...See I got chance to switch to US boh. Haha. Saw some nicey photo of Joanne. Snow! I want to go for real snow! Maybe I should just restart myself at a place that no one knows me. Like US! Haha. In addy got friend. Maybe should go to a place without friends. I got the Japanese look, according to MP. Maybe I should just learn Japanese and go US and speak like a JAH PHAN!

Neway. Aussie's internet rox! But still under the 3rd category. Maybe one day should try out the Korea's internet. Han Minji is complaining the internet here. Lolz. She's a damn pretty korean. But too bad. I don't speak korean...oh oh..besides, anehaseyo! or...Kamsahamida! lolz.

Talk about the trip in addy. Saw some familiar thingy.

The token ring switches!

Isn't This cool???!!

Hypercom! Cool!! Can i bring one home?

But it's about 50 KGs per unit. If someone would might pay for my luggage. :P

There's A pile here! How much can i earn if I sell all of them?

Mainframe. This Is what I was working with all the time.

The rear side of it.

The Front side. Soon to be my working table. Lolz.

Tape Drive

Tape drive library. Guess how many unit here?

There's hell lot of photo in the cam. But well. It's kinda pointless to upload all of them.

Suddenly I'm thinking of showing MP about the USS in sg. But I'm not with the photos! So I went to fb and see. Mana tau it's been taken down. Aiks!

Then I realize that...promise is a stupid thing to do. We promise, but we don't do our promise. So why promise at the first place? Sometimes, it's not only guys who don't do promise. -.- I've learnt my lesson here.

Do not promise. Eventho it's a small thing.

According to WC, Mp is asking around my friends about me. :S It's kinda scary no? Why on earth she wants to know what is going on in my mind all the time? Should I be proud when you told me..."You are hard to guess, I don't know what are you thinking".

Blergh. Why would you want to? :S

Sorry MP. You will always be my best friend. Or should I say. I'm gay? :p Haha.

BTW, how can I remove the picture in the main page? Cz all was changed. :p

I'm different now. Not the winky-wanky person anymore.

Sunrise? I don't believe in it anymore. Not even the freaking drink.

Typen by pure righty! :p

2010-10-17T02:49:00.003+08:00

Finally I could get myself some time. Here's the thing.

Everyone is into Adam Lambert. Even my brother do. Too bad I can't attend the concert, but I ask ZH to get the Rm10-self-printed-punya-fake-pass for my brother. He loves it. :) And Zh actually recorded the whole concert for me. :) Thx Bro.

Mind is clearer than before. :D And Finally I know what I'm doing now. Nope, I didn't regret that I bought the house. :) And nope, I don't really need a samsung galaxy S now. Maybe later. I still got my broken-cover w350i, although I can't keylock him and my battery consume is damn fast. But. Who cares. As long as it is functioning. :)

I use him to text mee, I use him to tell her i miss her. I use him to call her in aus. Lolz. Funny.

I went to the presentation. :) In a wheelchair. I don't know whether I make it or not. But At least I'm there. And I'm presenting the whole thing. Cool. Present In a wheel chair.

And after that, with the aid of the knee band. I'm able to walk slowly. You'll never know that you can get up IF YOU DON'T TRY.

Went out with MP yesterday. I'm actually a good person to talk to no? WC, ZH, MP, bro, mum, dad, even uncles do think so. But why not her? Lolz. How Nostalgia I am.

Went out with MP yesterday. She was in a baaaaad moooood. I'm not able to drink. But I just teman her. Damn, she can drink aloooot. After a 1.5 pint, + a bucket of heinekken. Finally she is drunk. -.- Never see her get that drunk b4.

Well, we talked alot when she was drinking. And get some exclusive news from her. Never know that actually he did something like that at my back. :) But nevermind. I'm ok with it.

I'm not sure why I'm still in the relationship thingy even when I'm not thinking about it. Yes, I met MP during my F5 add maths tuition class. She don't even know my face. Then now she is the one who take care of me in the ward. And even now. Parents like her.

She don't do housework, her cook sux, she wasn't pretty, she is 46kgs, her body figure is weird, she don't wear make up, and she is violent!

But there's something attractive in her. I don't know what's that. But I feel it. :)

When she was real drunk, she told me don't leave her. Then I guess she sings too. Throw up. Haha. I'm bit afraid to drive now. So in order to let myself back home safe, I waited her to sober up and drive me home. But I was Wrong! It's 5 in the morning. Yes, I slept in the car. Luckily is was a vellfire. is some proton car, I think I'll sleep at the trunk.

Aside from her real tiny body, yes she was a little bit too small in body and she speaks in high pitch. But while she was drinking, guess working as an auditor is a stress for her. And she told me she need a man. :S

I am a boy. Haha. No, I wasn't ready into a relationship. I don't want an LDR, cuz I'll be staying in OZ for years. in order to get into paradox.

Sometimes in my mind, I was thinking, will we meet? Well, We'll see. jikalau kita berjodoh. My body is already half crushed, please. I just want to gather my self up.

I told my friend about my next business plan, they told me. Wha, you dream too big, but who cares? Nothing wrong if we dream big, I can climb a ladder with one hand, I can drive with one hand. Why can't I drowned myself in a teacup? (If I got a big enough teacup). So, partnership is done here. I'm officially a boss of my own. :D

Sifu said my life was a hard one until I was 28 or 29. Even my business might gulung tikar. But It's not a lose. I might lose my business, but I gain experience. At here I realise I don't gain experience from working, I gain it from my experience to be a failure.

People around me know that I have big interested in knowing secrets, other word, kaypoh. oooi! nola, it's just curiosity.

They tend to "oops, i let the cat tail out of the bag" Then wanted me to ask more so that they can "ahh! gotcha, knew you are a person like this. Tsk Tsk Tsk"

Don't think this technique works on me again, I won't fall for the same trap, twice.
If you want me to know, you'll tell me. It's it's a secret, then why should I dig it out? Right? If it's a secret, and you want me to know, then it's not a secret between us.

"Oh, the conversation is all about you, don't you want to know?"

"keep the content, I'm not interested to know."

This is what I told him.

Sometimes, it's better for us not to know better than we do. Wouldn't u agree?

Check certain thing that I was interested today. If let the previous me notice it, I'm sure will go and ask till I got the answer that I satisfied. I saw it today, same thing.

I'm not interested anymore.

Whee! Glad that I actually touching no facebook and msn thaaaat much. I'm not a web addict! :p

One more week, I can take off the "cement". Honestly, i still can't remember the name and what it's called. After that, acupuncture next. :)

but I can still type with one hand. Happy no? Glad that I didn't lost any of them.

Saw what I type here, makes me think.

"they" said I grow matured. Am I?

Breakup make oneself grow, no?

2010-10-10T13:26:00.002+08:00

It's been 2days I've been sleeping. Wow..I dun like being in a coma-alike stage. And I don't like my brain was like..can't think at all. The family of the patient beside is noisy. It's been a dream for long time. What's the matter? I was like not getting any better.

Will I be like that for long? I have no idea what was going on. What I know is I can't feel my left hand. And I can't see things clearly.

What'ya want from me? Or should I say, what can I do now? I miss her. But....

I am sleepy again. I don't want to fall asleep again. Can I? I wish I can hear her voice again. I don't want to sleep. I don't want.

Go away.

2010-10-08T19:27:00.004+08:00

Saw people that I shouldn't see today. She come to visit me. And because she read my blog.

Forgot that I didn't except few people to access into my blog.

I'll change my blog add. When I am able to move my left hand.

I'm seriously tired. I just cant stop sleeping. :(

Saw mee sms me. But she'll only say I make up those again i guess. She is on the top of the ladder now. I better not appear again to disturb people. No worries. :) I am able to stop myself from replying.

i want to eat. :( But i'm tired. I want to sleep too.

2010-10-08T12:50:00.002+08:00

It's actually better when u typing with only one hand with on your Ipod. 2nd day. I wasn't able to feel my left hand as well, and i don't used to it.

Thx MP for converting dramas into my ipod. Hanging hands and legs wasn't so nice feeling.

HELP called me up and stated that they've receive my report and felt sorry for me. wow. I actually don't know they will do this.

I'm like some physically disabled person here. And I want to move.

I forgot to tell parents that Mp is holding my phone. And they tot i had a new gf. And those who can't reach my phone. Don't worry.It just that my phone is not with me now. And I choose not to hold it.

MP left her job. And she's helping me for my online business now. And thx. But you don't need to visit me everyday.

Wasn't able to eat. I feel hungry. :(

Uncle came this morning. And I insist going for the peer veet thingy. I'm not letting go my psychology, neither my computer.

Thx uncle for the offer for taking me again. I won't let you down. and your 7.2k salary as a solution architect cum firmware designer. Better than some sort of web app programmer analyst. Analyst was stupid.

Got paid while taking study leave. But he say I'll have to work for paradox in OZ for 2 years, then be able to moved to montreal or Miami. I would choose montreal, miami was abit too criminal. :p

Self syok typing here.

Should keep this as a diary then. to keep track ho stupid my life is. But i won't just left it like that. Looks like gotta trap here for 2 weeks at least. Have to go for physio after 2 weeks.

Oh Well. That's life. :)

Crash landing.

2010-10-07T18:46:00.004+08:00

Today was a mess. This is how a badass person will encounter when people are running out of meaning.

Have been diarrhea for quite sometime. I think almost a week. Woke up and feel terrible today. Done with midterms, sam tong for few careless mistakes.

Drove to nearby for lunch today. met with an accident today. I don't know what is happening in my mind, and next thing i realise is bumping into a lorry.

And now. I'll have to admitted again. I can't feel my inner parts already. Are they exist now?

It's not like I injured heavily. But now i cant feel my left hand. :'(

I always have my ipod with me. At least I wont feel so lonely, while the music is beside me.

I just want to spend some time to be alone. I told daddy mummy not to tell anyone, and they promised. Bad luck huh?

Flying to OZ on my bday. Wish me luck and no crash landing like today.

Smile.

Crash landing.

2010-10-07T18:46:00.003+08:00

Glaucoma.

2010-10-06T20:55:00.001+08:00

Glaucoma, Don't take my hope away.

Pointless!

2010-10-05T16:51:00.003+08:00

I'm really sad today. I've already have no sufficient and quality sleep for more than 2 months already! :'( I woke up with headache every morning. OK?

Since last time I feel in that BIG longkang. I knew that something is terribly wrong with me. I made an appointment with DR Khor for today. I told him I've not only can't see well at night, even in the morning. I drive like some fly today, twice I almost got some car ramp towards me today. Got Honk kao2. Haiz.

And he gave some series of test for me. And the report was I was diagnose with .....

It's not good to tell. And I don't feel like telling. It Was all affected. Fucking that 4 years accident. I tot it was all finish when I remove that. :'(

Went to class after that. Thank you for tune in to Sex.fm! You favourite sex radio station. Ah~

It was funny. But It's kinda tough to pretend that you are happy when you are not in a good mood. Even when you don't feel like talking at all. You are force to talk as much as you can!

Brenda notices my sadness. Thank God that she didn't ask any opinions of mine. :) And she told me about that too. Yes, I was sick. My voice sound sexy when I do the Ah~ sound.

Parents ask me why do you go out so often already? When Last time you don't even want to go for dinner with us. Because Last time I have a MSN to care about. Since now Doesn't really MSN anymore. I hate staying at home. Seriously.

My eyes get tired very easy. When It's at night, everything seems too dark for me. When It's in the morning, everything seems too bright for me.

From head to toe, nothing is perfect of mine. I don't have a good brain. I got stupid and soon to be blinded eyes. I got a sensitive nose, I got a can't speak mouth and a almost deaf ears.

I can't even sit long nowadays. My neck will be in hell pain when I sit infront of my computer for more than two hours.

MP says I always wanted to be a 100 marks boyfriend. And yes I am. But what? rite? :)

I don't know. I just don't want to talk. Or I refuse to talk for a week. Telling people how sad I am doesn't help. Telling people my stories doesn't really help at all. Blaming the causes for accident was pointless.

This is soooooooo depressing. And I don't like I'm treated unfair. When I was given prio before. What to do? This world Is unfair.

I made a mistake today. I shouldn't respond to them.

I just regretted on something. That's all.

Good day! :D

2010-10-04T21:18:00.002+08:00

I feel happy today! HoHoHo. Why? Cz all the things I Keeping all the while was released!

Today Mummy was searching for something in my room. Accidentally she found out there's a S&P in my room. And Ask, where the hell you got the money to get a house? :S

oops. I mean BIG OOOOPS! Then mummy and daddy was damn angry when they know I got something like this. Then I mai explain lo. And there goes all the x-rays, medical charges, reports. (not those extreme one)

Luckily, and very luckily, I got a parents that are very reasonable. Aren't like some of ma'friends parents. That's why I feel lucky. :) Somehow I still get scolded, but they are proud of me because I don't ask a cent from them besides school fees in local. :) And they proud of me that I've survive all the harsh stuff.

Good news is!

Finally I'm employed! Nope, not in the psychology field,yet. My former boss, which is my uncle as well called me on phone few days ago. And ask would I be still interested in doing computer stuff. :) Hello! Computer is my interest, I'd never think of like..using it as my main thingy to cari makan. I just love'em, numbers, binomials, HEX. :D

Uncle was interested in doing the security system for banking. And the first thing he asked was "Hao-wen, when u go overseas, which country you go?"

I was like..hmm...US lo. Bemidji.
Uncle: Where Bemidji is?
Me: US lo.
Uncle: US where?
Me: Err....(I think I heard before where it is) Minnesota!
Uncle: Hmm...Last time tot you want to go Australia?
Me: Yageh..But ah..personal problems gua.
Uncle: Love ah? Aiya..Dun think so much sin. I got something ask you to help. See you ngam anot sin. "Yik" kaki lang (which means people of self?) better than others ma.

There goes the story.

Uncle said that providing the ATM Machines' chip wasn't really earn that much. (Cz you used it all at your bungalow ad ma, purposely go Indonesia buy furniture, of course can't earn la). So instead of doing Chip and board, he wanted to supply security systems well.

So The offer is, Me going there to get the technology back to msia. At least for him. But of course, I'll have to go under some sort of training. Means I have to go to Australia? :S Alone again meh?

Unfortunately Yes. Asshole. -.-

So Uncle sent me the name of the company Named "Paradox Security System". The name was cool! But Their require is to have a period of both apprenticeship and traineeships under this training center named Peer Veet. Stated there is a quality group training thingy (haven't really read thru the files).

Hafta go for training under ah...data communications and Security installation systems. Weird! Even the name too. :s But well, it's a requirement cz they are partners. :s

So have to go to see the place on DEC. And start training next year, march?

But i havent finish my degree woh. But kena go for interview sin during Dec. :s

Haiz. According to people from paradox. After training, have to work for them dunno how many years sin. Yet they told me there were close to NAB Group, (apalai?) & Rural bank. (Weird name! Izzit located at rural area?)

Well. So the address was at some..Albert park. (manalai?)

Guess going to aussie was my destiny? Lolz. Havent really check on the address yet. I'm too lazy to.

Best is at those Gold Coast or Melbourne,Sydney :P Then syok. Haha.

BUt for now, Have to finish assignment sin. Check those out later.

Can't wait! >.<

Walk in Pasar Malam today, saw some nyonya Ice-cream. tot of buying one. But they put hell lot of gula melaka. So suan la. Haha. Nyonya. Makes me think of her. :)

I miss her. But...*smiles*

*shrug*

I want to be a bad guy!

2010-10-03T22:38:00.003+08:00

坏男人往往脸皮厚，大胆，善于撒谎，不太受道德约束，花招诡计多，不负责任。
而这些特点恰恰击中了女人的软肋。

假设硬件条件相似的好男人和坏男人遇到同一个女人，坏男人的杀伤力要强出N倍。

首先，好男人的出手概率要小得多，因为好男人开始追求之前就要考虑负责任的问题，
所以不完全中意的不会去追，条件不成熟的目前不能追，对方已有男友的不能追，未来前景不看好（例：在不同城市）的不能追，限制极多。
而坏男人反正也没打算负责任，只要对方有点姿色，或是触手可得，一概先追了再说。

第二，好男人诚实，没钱没关系就实话实说，对女方的缺点也坦诚相告，往往让女人很失望。
而坏男人随便编两个故事就可以显得自己实力超群；对女人花言巧语又很容易让她们心花怒放，认为找到了知己伯乐。
在这个浮躁的社会背景下，好男人多年的辛苦努力换来的成果多半还不如一个坏男人用3分钟时间编出来的故事更能让女人心动。

第三，好男人总想着尊重对方，不会找机会调戏非礼。而坏男人通过调笑，酒精，跳舞等方式随时刺激女人的荷尔蒙，
一有机会就把对方占为己有。女人一旦被调动起来，反而很快会爱上这个男人。坏男人一次调情的效果往往超过好男人默默的多次付出。
有些傻女人认为男人上了她就是爱上了她；更傻的女人认为一旦被男人上了，她就必须爱上这个男人。女人的本性中隐含着逆来顺受的基因。
第四，好男人真心付出，把双方的感情看得很重，心态容易不平衡，为一些小事和女友争吵。
而坏男人心想：反正我不过是做一场游戏，找点刺激罢了，哄哄她得了，生个什么气啊？心态更平和，反而显得成熟个性好。

第五，坏男人的约会经验通常比好男人多的多。参照第一条，坏男人一有机会就出手，即使不成功也积累了经验，逐渐了解了女人的心理。
坏男人通过大量的实战经验在约会时把这些表面工作做得很好，而好男人却懵然不知，被唰了都不明白为什么，还以为是自己实力不够。
第六，双方发生争执时，好男人自尊心，原则性强，不会轻易迁就对方，往往为些小事谁都不让步，最后只能分手。而坏男人脸皮厚，认个错比喝稀饭都容易，往往轻而易举就能哄得对方回心转意；当然，那是在他还没有玩腻的时候，否则即使女方让步他也能找出借口分手，有时候女人反而会一再让步，彻底沦为坏男人的玩物。

第七，好男人原则性强，循规蹈矩，往往显得乏味。而坏男人一心追求刺激，变化多端，常常给女人以新鲜感。不知不觉中，女人就被坏男人迷惑住，控制住了。

第八，大部分女人对生活的期望值不现实（爱情小说，电影看多了的后果）。造成的后果是诚实的好男人达不到她们的期望值，只有坏男人才能编造出一个她们心目中的理想世界。

另外，对于多数女人来说，上床造成两人关系的质变。占有她身体的男人比起其他男人有太多的优势（亲密程度大大增强，对方无形之中多出很多操纵女方身体及行为的权力等）。

坏男人能做到的，好男人为什么做不到呢？

对于好男人，你是他生命中的重要组成部分，他对你的过去，现在，未来都在意。
而坏男人更能容忍你的缺点，因为他只需要容忍几天，一两个月；而好男人却要计划一辈子的前景。
但是女人往往对好男人努力为她所做的事认为理所当然，不屑一顾，所以好男人要变坏，才会得到女孩子的青睐。。。很认同！

I want to be a bad guy!

2010-10-03T22:38:00.001+08:00

Sick!

2010-10-02T13:34:00.002+08:00

I'm Sick! Totally sick. Woke up in the morning. Found myself is wet! Lolz. Sounds wrong. I just simply mean wet. Not because of I wee wee on my bed. Just plainly sweating. And my whole body is trembling. It's like overdose in caffeine. And My nose is bleeding. Shit! Luckily no one is sleeping beside me today. Phew.

I'm feeling terribly unwell.

Checking on Facebook. Oh well. The name itself just remind me how bad it is when I receive a news like this. Which means I still can't really let go the event that just throw into my face. And when I think it back. The excuse is lousy. The excuse is dumb itself, and I myself is a dumb dumb too when I actually can accept that.

I need a break. From everything that matters. I guess before I can fully let go this event. I would just remain silent. It's just too hard for me to endure such a feelings.

And I just can't give a smile and act like nothing happen at all. It's about my dignity. I wouldn't good enough to share something like this.

I'm done. I'm going off. You are cool. :) I'm just a loser.

But this, I'll def pay u back one day. :)

Thoughts in the morning.

2010-10-02T04:11:00.003+08:00

Should I say..the person that treated me the worst isn't anybody but myself. It's 4 in the morning. And I don't really have the feeling to sleep. I wasn't able to sleep.

Went for blood donation today (yesterday). I was very keen to help people with leukemia. It reminded me how bad I lost the person I love. And everything I tot of her today. it's been 2 years + she's gone. And i still wasn't able to forgot her.

Karin say i was a "guai guai zai". I didn't want anybody to know what is going on myself that are bad and how I feel. Yes, I tend to hide all my feelings. That's why It seems like I'm lying when I tell the truth.

While I'm typing this line. Tears are coming out. Honestly, I admit myself is not a person that able to play around in the field of love. Like learn some pickup lines and get laid, or being a playboy or what. I don't have aloooooot of girlfriend like you that bragging about yourself that you owned and have sex with all your 19 gfs, and how good are you in your management skills that you are able to walk with 3 gfs at a time.

I don't eat with 19 diff ppl. But i still proud to say I eat with one person 19 times. So please don't keep bragging about how good you are.

I don't have many gf before. Only 2. But with anyone, I'm true. I love them deeeeeep inside, too deep until I can't really pull myself out.

But two gave me a heartbreaking event.

I miss both of them. Alot. But what can I do is typing here.

Love is like a crystal ball. When the crystal ball is broken into pieces, everyone can pick them up. Everyone have the rights to have love. No matter how hard you are trying. You won't be able to pick all of'em up.But If you try hard enough, you'll pick at least something. I believe.

Until now, although it is already repressed. Redigging a repressed memory is not fun. Until now, I still can't for the event. Why? Because I care.

And I'm not sure how will I react and how will I cope with it when I have to stand infront to deal with it.

I'm strong, outside. Inside, it's hard to holding strong.

Why would I be so weak?

God! I'm not sure how long will can I hold on. Please, let me be a stronger person.

*wipe tears, deep breathe*

Grow strong. I gotta cope with it. I can. I can.

In the hosp!

2010-10-01T11:16:00.002+08:00

I have mixed feelings today :S No one is I'm here wishing someone get well soon. and there I heard news that one of my friend passed away. WTH is going on here? It's like..having 3 friends passed away within a month? Wahliao. Scary wei.

But neway, I guess I've already know what are the sources (and sauces) that makes my mood going down for the day. So here I present my moody-mood pecker! :p

It's been cool that I'm actually blogging in the hospital. Lolz. Well, not say it's the first time. But It's the first time using the comp as a visitor but not the patient! Muahahah!

Yeap! I'm in a hospital now and wasn't able to went off, because I can't. Simply because I'm not allowed to get off because I've just gave a blood donation to my friend's (which her birthday fall on the exactly same date with mine) cousin that diagnosed with AML.

So she post it on FB and I went for the blood test. Surprisingly my blood works! Lolz. Can Help mai help lo. Rite? I even let people to bite on my hand. Stupid you! So yea. Hope can hear some good news from her soon.

Leave my computer on yesterday night and went out with my friend. (Because I'm downloading the Piranha 3D). And a surprisingly I found out a groundbreaking news from my friend. Well, this is the story, this friend of mine is talking about his friend which happens that friend is a friend of mine too. Lolz. Then he say that day that friend told him they actually went for prostitution at the what what food court.

I was like..har? prostitution in the food court. Fine. Then i went online check. I was like. WOW! What the hell man! Oh no no no. this is sooo wrong. And "eh, next time want to follow? first time I belanja"

Hmm...belanja word was tempting. But NO! Assholes! I won't go for those. AT ALL. Yes, I might need a hug, I might need a person to sayang me, I might need sex. But those are what I can get from a girlfriend . Not a prostitute. And I WONT GO TO THOSE PLACE.

I start to hated them, seriously. The way they speak, the way their tone, the words they use. I start to not getting use to it.

I'm itchy! Simply not that kind of itchy. I've gone thru it by storing them back. Lolz. And the itchy thingy is my fingers! God knows why the hell my fingers are keep growing those, i don't know what you call that. Those bubbles? that makes my hand damn ithcy. scratch till nobody business. TAnd they grow from finger to finger, first to last, and from last back to the first. According to my parents, and my grandmother, it's inherited. My uncles and aunties are having this as well. What sort of genes I'm inherited with? Well, it's not that I'm complaining about my genes. Lolz. I still love my parents. ALOT.

It's kinda weird that I blog here. It's an open place, I'm blogging in the public, tho there are no one specifically stop and see what on earth am i writing, but hell, people is passing by and see me blogging/chatting/fb-ing. Weird to the max!

And interesting that i heard a pair of couple is quarreling.

G: How can like that one?
W: How I know?
G: Why you all so slow one? You cannot do things like that you know. Your sisters ah.
W: I don't know, I've already call them.
G: You sisters ah, I cannot tahan them already-lah.
W: Then what you want me to do? Scold them ah? (Walk away)
G: Where you go?
W: Toilet ah.
G: Orh. Becareful ah.

LMAO!

This couple is cute. lolz. But well. Obviously the guy was afraid that his gf pissed off. And yes! His gf went piss! To the toilet mah. Haha.

Talking about couple, I met a junior that day, she was become uglier. She wasn't that pretty at first also. Haha. Was in love with his bf soooo sooo much, Sooner or later his bf is going overseas. Lolz. She said she'll hold on to the last minutes as long as she know that she love him. :S How much I wish that happen to me. Lolz. But oh well. And according to her, most of her friend was BU because their gf found someone at the other end. Lolz. *shrug*

When someone have no intentions to tell you something. It's an act of moron when you are trying all the ways to dig it out. Sometimes it's good to hide something from people. People wont tell you that they have another land for years, and when you sort of know that, you are trying to dig out the address. I was at first. But immediate I stop. People already not letting you know. So why you still care and keep on searching? *moody-mood-pecker pecks*

Nothing lasts nowadays, its all ‘easy-come-easy-go’, might as well just play along. God knows who deserves the Grammy Awards. :S

I just need more jobs. I want to build my resume up! When I turn back. It's sort of abit late la. NOOOOO!!!!! You know it's exhausting when you look for part time job to pay for your house loan? Haiz. Must make my house a good one next time. Need to get a "permanent housemate" that really care about the house. and me too. LOLZ.+

And thank God finally I've receive the offer letter from beimidji. Just! I'm sooo happy. Gotta sign up real soon!

I care about you. Do you?
I love you, but do you?
I want you, do you?
I need you, do you?
I miss you, do you?

It's so pointless. LMAO.

I'm just talking to myself.

Oh well

Gotta run.

So yea, Ciao!

:'(

2010-10-01T02:30:00.003+08:00

It's already 1 month and 24 days that I've been relying on the 4 hours sleep. And It sux to the max. No I don't purposely do it, but I do keep track on my sleep record.

Due to overloaded work. Because of the Rm1500. At least It's a month of installment of my house. I have to keep on working working.

Finally I've done finish recovering all of the HDD. Honestly, those HDD sux. I'm glad that finally I've get all those work done. In time, yet earlier. And I can say that today is my free day before I start on doing my assignment.

I'm glad that I've time to rest myself. But due to habits. I guess my sleeping time has set between 3 to 4 am. And I don't like it.

I've been abstain myself from sweet stuff, it's the 5th day I have not touching any sugar and unhealthy food. (eg: soft drinks, sweets, mcd and etc)

It sux too. Karin ask me why I would want to push myself so hard? No it's not pushing my dear, it's forcing, it's a negative reinforcement. It's a form of punishment. Honestly, I take negative stuff seriously.

I know myself is abit "small air" and I kinda mad at her. But seriously, I don't like to be in the situation like that.

Keeping myself busy is a good move. I don't like today. Why? Because I'm free. Isn't it good when you are free? Isn't it what you want all the time?

Yes, but when I'm busy. I miss her less. But when I'm free, sitting in my room. I think of her. I saw her online, but b4 I manage to approach her, she went offline. It makes me wonder is her trying to avoid me or something? I sms-ed her, twice I guess, But i didn't get any form of reply. Haiz.

You know what. I don't like this. It appears to tell me something is happening, gonna happen or what. It's the same situation before I was blast with some lemon pie on my face. I seriously don't like it. :(

The work is done, But I feel like crying. I miss her. But what? I did what I shud today. But I didn get a reply. :(

Maybe I should just let it like that. Or get used to it.

Sleeping 4 hours a day doesn't make me do anything better. I didn't manage to cross a busy road and knocked by side mirror of a car heavily on my damn hand.

Sleeping 4 hours a day makes me tired all the time. My brain isn't functioning that well. Sleeping 4 hours a day makes me have mood swing from time to time. I've been pointed out that temper wasn't so good after all.

Good, after everything, now I guess I can't talk for a while. Asshole! Gulping a 98 degree Celsius of almost-boiled-water down my throat hurts. It's cook! Maybe I can swallow it and let it digest in my stomach.

I hate medicines. A pill a day keeps the brain failure away! Now I have to add on some other medicine else to my to-eat-list.

Hair started to fall. :(
I even strive hard to see in the dark. No, see in the night. Guess those problems are coming back to haunt me. :( :(
Eventually I started to afraid of dark. :(

I love night, because it was peaceful. I would say that few years back. But I start to hate night now, It makes me feel lonely, keep thinking, depress, and afraid.

Was wondering how she is now. Are you still sick? *hug* I miss you. Hope you get well soon. I wish i can be there for you, and I really do, all the time. From when we met. :'(

It's suffer that I have to wear a mask and smile infront of people. I don't like it. I don't like to let people know how weak I am, I don't like to talk about my problems infront of people.

That's why the blog is useful. Cz no one will get to see this. It'll remain err.. anonymous, or kept! :D

Seriously, I need a hug.

I need one. Anyone?

《等待》

2010-09-22T01:46:00.003+08:00

这篇文章用华语来写。因为今天是中秋节。回想起小时候中秋节，都会自己做一些灯笼来玩，做一些风筝来玩。现在可没那些时间来做这些了。

说到时间，今天本来是去送货的。约好了，却又谈不妥价钱。这里才赚一百，你还想要倒扣我？

说到时间，今天有心血来潮，想给她打个电话。但最后还是在网上和她聊天。

分手前，我俩说好了，每两个礼拜要上网聊天。最后也因为说我没有遵守诺言也分开了。

有时不是什么，每当上网视讯聊天，都很忙，都在做其他的东西。先先不觉得有什么。但后来觉得对方好像没什么兴趣要和你交谈，对你没什么兴趣。久而久之，我也觉得上网视讯没什么有趣，就渐渐疏远了视讯。这也是我失约的原因之一吧。

事隔已久，没想到今天东西也没改变。一样是这样忙。^_^

我记得我告诉过一个人。我不要等到成功了才找伴侣，而是在建立事业时希望有个人在背后支持，因为我认为能和他在创业时挨苦，奉献的另一半是更有资格去享受我的成就。

现在开始创业了，虽然有生意上的伙伴，但往往都是给人欺负，被人中饱私囊也不能出声，看着辛苦赚来的血汗钱被人拿走了，又被人指指点点。

真是哑巴吃黄连，有苦自己知！

可能我没有在同一时间做很多样事情的能力，也或许我是时间太多。但无论如何，我可以在特定的时间做完要做的事。还有多余的时间。哈哈。这是老天爷送给我的一个能力。

总觉得，人在说话，你有两个选择。

一:就告诉他我没兴趣听你废话。
二:就给人100%的专注，听人说完。

总得尊敬别人吧。不是再说视讯聊天的事。那个我不介意，也不能介意这么多了。

就像今天上课，老师在前面讲，他们在后面讲。最后老师也发火，把整班痛骂了一顿。这令我回想起以前去找我的老师，去给他辅导，他可是个辅导员！当我认真思考时，当我觉得我需要帮忙时，当我说出我的事情时，他却在哪儿走来走去，还打哈欠。一点都不重视我的想法，令我觉得我的东西，我的问题，一点都不重要。

心理系，少了这一点，无论你是多成功，多厉害，读多少书。都是废的，都不能称为专业。

我只想要觉得，我是有价值的。能够有人专注的和我谈话，听听我的意见。难吗？

而且我觉得，把时间和专注都给完你爱的人，是一件能令她幸福的事。也令我幸福的事。在忙也好，别人的感受，也要顾虑。好像有些东西不是不说，只是我们凡事要顾虑别人的感受和后果。

对，我承认，我爱她。所以我能把时间都给她。但对方不是爱我。所以没有必要这样做。很合理的解释。

以前，

一直都以为自己是个很勇敢的人，
一直都不肯承认自己其实很脆弱，
一直到我自己爱上了你以后才明白，
原来自己并没有想象中的那么勇敢，
原来自己也不过是一个很软弱的人，
因为我真的害怕失去你...

直到失去了你，才知道自己有多懦弱，
已经分不清也不知道这段感情还有没爱，
盲目地坚持着一个未知却想要的结局，
虽然心中已清楚明了地看见了彼此的结局，
却始终只能骗自己说这只是心中的假设...

给你的微笑并不是一种掩饰，而是一种真诚，
没有掩饰着自己心中的伤心，
只是因为，你曾经对我说过，你喜欢我的微笑...

看不见我流泪也不是一种掩饰，而是一种安慰，
没有掩饰着自己心中的伤心，只是因为，
你曾经对我说过，你不希望我流泪...

告诉你有多美多美，并不是甜言蜜语，
不只是爱上你的外表，也爱上了你的内心，
就算一天你老了，就算一天你不再如重前般美，
你也是我的世界之最，最美的。
不是甜言蜜语，一切发自内心，
因为我爱上了你的全部。

分手前不哭，并不是因为我很勇敢，
只是我为了你让你微笑，所以我微笑，
也是因为有你，我没有哭泣的理由。

分手后才明白自己原来并不勇敢，
因为，我还是哭了...

自己一个人痛苦了那么久，
也不知道自己是因为爱你还是因为害怕失去你，
是自己太过珍惜这段爱，还是你太不珍惜这段爱，
以前有很多的不满，也因为如此，
心中有多少次想要勇敢地说出分手，
却始终没有勇气向你提出，怕自己会后悔，
更害怕你把这句想要被挽留的分手，给当真了...

或许以后我真的不会爱你了，但我真的不想失去你，
虽然我知道无论多少时间，
都无法改变你已经不爱我的事实，
既然不能够爱你，所以我选择等你,
或许可以等你，也是一种幸福...

傻子并不傻，他们只是不懂得分辨是与非，
但却还是懂得爱自己...

我这傻子才是真傻，明知道一切不可能，
却还是伤害着自己...

在自我提升的过程中，发觉自己也是个完美主义者。在什么方面，决不提！哈哈。

都四点了，是时候睡了，但为何就是不能进入梦乡呢？

手术后，为了保住脑袋清醒度，得靠一系列长时期训练来不让脑退化。

可是身体却一天不如一天。咳嗽也越来越严重和频密了。手掌敏感的地方，可以抓的都给我抓烂了,血也流了。

就这样，发觉原来爱自己，不是那么容易的。

再来在这祝大家中秋节快乐！n

sweat!

2010-09-20T21:11:00.002+08:00

Good and bad today.

Felt guilty that I didn't go home straight after the COD. Instead, I went to Starbucks with ZH to have cup of Iced Shaken Lemon Tea. :D Passion lemon tea was nice, But I prefer Zen tea more. :P I don't drink other beverage when I'm in Starbucks besides the lemon tea. It's not like I don't like to drink coffee. Just I have have decaf drinks after. No Coke, No coffee. Or else I'll be widely awake thru the whole night.

Know how sensitive I was towards caffeine? I take a sip from ZH's beverage and I'm awake for the whole night yesterday. So I took the chance to do more practice instead.

The person came and fixed my aircond yesterday. It was abit kecok due to the loosen wire in the plug. So there he fixed it and I have a cool afternoon. Then While I was doing my maths, It's hot. And I decided to cool of my room with the new (fixed) aircond. And frustrated that, I can't even turn on the aircond! WTF? At last I terus went to bath and take a quick nap for 30 mins before I step out from the house again.

Nowadays I'm the one who step in the house the latest, and step out from the house the earliest.

I hated when someone always use myself as a dartboard. Anything big comes to them, they'll push me out and let me receive the shot for them. And I totally hate it.

By doing maths madly, I finally found back the fun in maths. And today the first quiz, I ruled it! except for one question...all answers are correct, because I have waaaay lot time to be burn so my itchy hand started to look for every possibility. Lolz. Yes, I am a person like that. Until I totally failed, I will still give a try.

Receive a phone call from karin in the noon after the class. She is in Ampang, and ask for lunch. Cool. Then I went to cempaka to meet her. Guess I used to go home straight everytime after class. Automatically I left the train In KL sentral while I suppose to get down at Masjid Jamek.

Maybe because I was abit blur, and I'm kinda rush to get out this morning, so I didn manage to comb my hair nicely after the nap on the sofa.

And what is so cute about being blur? I don't like being blur ok. So grab some lunch at some really got atmosphere restaurant. We went in there randomly, because that's the only a restaurant that look like a restaurant. All are bars and pubs. And you expect I walk into a pub to ask for lunch?

Then this restaurant we went in named "My diet restaurant". At first I tot it was some organic for fruity, juicy veges and sandwich. Saw some slim and pretty girls having their meal. Pretty OL will never fail to catch my eyesight. *wink*. I was like...So healthy punya restaurant, My diet summore.

Surprisingly when the lady boss came out to pick our order. Hmm...she doesn't seem so diet woh. She was about 2 to 3 times my size, 4-5 times size of karin.

Wasn't feel so good in my tummy. So I ordered some salad and my favourite alcohol-free mojitos! I just looooove them!

Karin wasnt so good at her tummy too, guess she was food poisoned. Then there she complain not comfortable in tummy, then there she ordered carbonara. Siao. Then cant finish also. Then have to ask me to help her finish. I was damn full!

After that she saw me with my broom alike hair. Then there she said: "Let's go for a haircut" Out of sudden. And there she asked some professionals to make my hair, till a mohawk alike, spiky hair. Was wondering why all barber like to spike my hair. But I like neither to gel my hair nor spiking them. But can't deny that this hair suite me. But can't deny I like my previous hair more. Lolz.

But karin say It was nice. :D And I look better without my glass. So I went home with a blur mind and vision.

She was like my mummy! Hell no~! But yah, she was sweet. And that's all. Lolz.

Stuff are getting better now. :) Wish they will be better. yah, human is greedy. I am one of the human.

Saw a friend's pic on Fb, went to some retreat. That place was nice. Reminds me that we actually went to the A-Famosa. Haha. I don't know, I just like it. How could you not like it? Be there with the person u love? :)

But still got chance like this meh?

Got the flirty mood today. And I waited for an hour and fell asleep. Lolz.

I miss her. But the topic is like getting off the shore. Which is abit akward. Lolz.

I told karin Sometimes I don't act like a guy. But she say I'm guy enough. Then I ask which part? (internally)

All of mine. Lolz! I felt like a girl more. Sweet talk to me? Lolz. When I feel good about myself, and I'm confidence enough about myself. That's where my aura comes in. Lolz. Still, I mmg can't rely on my face but my confidence! Seeing myself getting over shitty stuff and get organized again makes me feel waaaay better (internally).

Sometimes I don't know I myself fat mat yeh san ging.

I tend to whatever you want to call, envy, admire people that actually put their pic with their girlfriend as their profile pic, and have a hell lot of pic they had in their vacation with their gf.

It's like bragging that, "hey, I love my gf" or "hey, I love my boyfriend"

I love my ex gf too. Haha.

People ask why I still hanging there?

Because I proud to have her in my life. Enough?

I miss her. And I love her.

Lovely afternoon

2010-09-19T14:44:00.003+08:00

I'm surprisingly afraid of failing now. Not only in studies, in life, in business, in whatever as well.

Maybe not because I'm afraid of fail. But I'm enough in failing. A little of fall might help one stand up. But too much of falling will only remind u how clumsy you are, how stupid you are.

At some point, two person close to me have some issues with me. And both of them started to irritates me. Tho the main causes isn't the thing that makes me dislike them. But just that their behavior started to irritates me. I just don't like to talk to them. Maybe I do. But just not talking too much.

MSN and facebook has become people's must do everyday thing. It's like you gotta brush teeth every day and night. MSN and Facebook is the same. No I don't chat on facebook. But MSN only. I hold one email address only, not multiple. But thinking of getting a new and more mature email address. Haha.

Chat with a few friends recently, and didn't expect that we might get further to some point of life. But still there's one thing I don't like chatting in MSN. I don't like replying slow. Lolz. Don't know why. Dahla busy, then don't chat lo. Focus on either one you think it's important first. Maybe at some point, I still can't forget the incident. It was a busy and stressed day. And it's gonna be busy. Then things was never different again after I receive such a news. It might be the same still. But something just gone different? Just It sorta related la. Lolz.

Tho it's been years, but still I can't forget the incident that happened. Again. Betrayal. Damn! Hate it.

And now i've found one drinking partner. Lolz. No no no. I don't binge drinking, just that when we're together we tend to get some alcoholic drinks. She is single, I am single. But both of us are not available. Lolz. Don't see her was so skinny and so tame and don't look like she can drink. But she was damn hard to get drunk. Not even face turning red after gulping down a bucket of green bottles while mine was burning red.

Karin asked me to go for clubbing, might get some luck there. -.- to get laid. No thanks. Tho those are some place that easy to get hooked. or hook. But nope, i don't like noisy place. Although a week ago I was really itchy. But thank God I manage to get thru it. As long as I don't think about those.

Stupidly, I ask some request from mee. Felt that myself was like some sort of pervert. Haha. Those buying people's panties thingy. Lolz. But got turned down. Too bad. Hafta stop thinking about those. Hmm...someone still owe me a live cam session. Lolz.

Argh! stop thinking! Getting a haircut with karin next week. Hope I got some time for her next week. Or else I'll be pharking busy after that. Sorry rin.

And still I'm trying to prove to karin that not all guys is pervert. Lolz. They might be when they are with their girlfriend. But not like simply go outside and get laid. There are still loyal guys around. Lolz. And I'm going to prove to her. Too bad she still there want me to go out and get laid. Stupidly she said that I'm like a girl!

It's offending, I'm like a girl coz I don't messing around? or I don't step on two boats at once? I'm not those kind of people ok. At some point, I'm gonna be a guy with my characteristic. And face. Lolz. Or else how come u are attracted to me? :p
I mean my characteristic, not face.

I admit sometimes I still speaking with some kind of.."teh" de tone. But seriously, I hate that. And gonna stop doing those. Lolz.

My room is cold again! After some time that my ac spoiled!

Ooops. out of schedule. Back to maths. Chiong ah!! I want an A!

A! Wait for me!

Morning!

2010-09-15T07:07:00.002+08:00

After popped some panadol, after some great deep sleep. My mind was reset! My mood too! Not say it's going happy or what. Just at least not the moody bastard yesterday.

Open my wallet to check my existence of my touch n go card, I almost forgot I went to the temple for a tiny red paper yesterday. I was so into clue and I actually forgot to read abt it!!

I keep thinking about something before I wake up (because the alarm haven't ring yet). And I guess I've finally found out why the bond from me to mee is strong(make it clear, it's one sided). And I guess I've found some solution too. And on the other hand, I guess I'm clear why I'm not interested in another relationship while I deserately need some love. It's because I don't want to involve in another breakup. Lolz. I've some tots in my mind. But it's not the point go and telling everyone.

What I have to do is upgrade myself. Forget about rel. Lolz. I don't do stuff without purpose. They are some people have to be cut in my life. Like someone going to cut by daddy too. Lolz. He's just so....

The tiny red told me, change of courting partner preferred. Lolz. Buy nah...I'm not gonna wait anymore since i know it's not leading me to anywhere. I just close it up until I get myself settled.

Then I'll consider with her. Give people that appreciate u a chance. But if u can wait. :)

I miss you! Good luck in your exam.

Step up!

2010-09-14T22:45:00.002+08:00

I hate today's weather. Seriously, It's hot and dry. Staying in my room, get my computer turned on. It's like staying inside the microwave.

Sent the transaction to the account department which is my friend. Lolz. the profit was only about 8k+. damn it. Still gotta buck up.

Instead of selling stuff online just like that. I found that a bidding forum was waaaay more profitable. One click I got 50cents. Lolz.

Anyone who interested to bid something there. Visit HERE

It's kinda hard to actually program a website like this. Live! Which renting the server from LYN forum cost us about 10K per month, included advertise on LYN as well.

It makes me headache now. If I can, I would prefer chill..and lazy rolling on bed in order to finish my "GET ORGANIZED" book. My life is a mess. Lolz.

Kinda frustrated over some people bragging how good their life is, their studies, their career and how much they earn per month. And how many hours they spend in gym. Showing off muscles. Eeesh! Yes, I'm jealous (scorpio characteristic).

Why I jealous? Yes, because I still think my life is sux, very abnormal, My studies is the suckiest, my resume is blank, I'm not good in career yet because the business isn't on the track yet, and honestly, I don't look good, I have bad muscles, and yes, I'm a medicine bottle. Suffer from the brain injuries, I still have to pop in some asshole med to maintain it. Vit C just cannot go into my way.

Some people might admire the way I live my life. Wow! Having own business at this age. Earn alot for basics. And even have a bidding forum! Yay! But honestly, I don't enjoy it. I just want something normal. Ain't I normal now? No. Once I'm on, I'll never be normal again. No I'm not gifted. Just that I spend more time in developing them. Facing too much electronic stuff, closing myself in a server room for few days a week, at least 3 weeks per month, lasted for 2 years is the main thing I have a weak body. bloody asshole.

I started to found that bidding forum is profitable, but it gone less, Guess what, i suspect that my partners are self telan some of them. At least this month 3K was gone. damn! I can get my Samsung Galaxy S Already!

Why people just like to betray me?

I wish to be lazy, slumber. But when I tot of I have a house to pay. Reality doesn't allow me to stop. Damn it.

In love with Red colour nowadays. HoHoHo. Red just makes me more....noticeable. I don't know. I started in love with this red colour rite after I discharge from the hosp. And Am In love with it more right after uncle passed away.

Red Rox. Hehe.

Gotta spend some time enrol the course for photoshopping. I guess it's useful. Maybe I should spend sometime on the photoshop for dummies first.

Now I've gotta spend weekdays for studying, weekend for working. And freelance as a programmer. Gotta Make my life busy.

I gotta stand up. I gotta lead. I'm not going to let my nose pulled. Why? Cz I have a house to pay. Lolz. And someone tell me this before. I'm not sure whether it's true, but I believe.

I'm a born leader. Lolz. And I can lead. :) I know it. And I know I can do it.

Karin told me the breakup is breaking me down, and ruining my mind. And she is offering to patch this up. I don't know what do you mean by patching it up. Lolz. But I'm sorry. I'm not interested in any romance relationship now. We are good friends. No point crossing the border. And I don't want to ruin our friendship. We are good now. :)

It's not about having or not the feeling towards you. I always told you that I'm waiting for someone. Yes I do. And that is one of the reason I'm closing myself for a relationship. Before I'm moving on with another girl. I'm here upgrading myself. In order to make myself a "HOTTER PROPERTY".

I don't have a handsome face. But what I can do is upgrade myself internally. So that the next person will be a happier person. It's a suffer thing I have to do. And a reward for my other half. :)

Whether who she was, I'll def make it worth. I promise this to myself. :)

But not you karin. Haha. Tho you are pretty, but you are waaaay tooo slim! I can break your bones with a karate chop!

I still aim big. Haha. I'm not aiming for a business man's position. At least a manager?

Couldn't agree more that clever people with more A's earn more at first. Like amanda (another amanda) senior executive. While people with less A's. Are in the front line. Lolz.

I'm slower. But I can make it.

Stand up chris! You gotta stand up!

Headache. Argh! Shut down my comp and let my room cooler. I'm sweating!

Random

2010-09-13T20:02:00.003+08:00

Today weather was hot enough. I can't stop myself from sweating all the while. Blergh!

Was an exhausted day today. My mood was totally gone due to the hot weather. And in order to keep myself stop from thinking about the heat. I watched the tooth fairy and red cliff part two.

I remember watching Red cliff part one with mee in the cinema. It was one of the best movie I've ever watch with mee. And deadly I wanted to watch the second part for sooooo long. Until now only I've got the chance and time. I've got alot of movie wanted to watch. And I downloaded all of them. My hard disk consist of more than 300GB of movies. And honestly I didn really watched more than 250 gb of movies in it. Lolz. And Now I got the 1.5TB punya. Lolz.

Was in a vacation mood this morning. So cold! sitting at the balcony. But I got class at 10. So..Have to rush back. I told my parents Im going to class, They were like..huh? Orh. Then later they call me and ask where am i. -.-

Blackberry was awesome! Esp BOLD 9700! Damn! The battery life was lasting, GPS, MSN, Daily horoscope. Lolz. Cz I love the unlimited online package. Damn It.

Was kinda drunk yesterday. I love being drunk. Not because of what. But being drunk, I tend to be very focus. Haha. But well, it's not good to get drunk always. And liquor is expensive. Lolz.

Talked about daily horoscope, this is what I've got from the daily horoscope from BB.

Scorpios stubbornly cling to emotional attachments. (Totally, strongly agree) They rarely forget and forgive emotional rejection. They have to learn that jealousy (jealous is one of the worst thoughts) and possessiveness are self-defeating. Rechanneling negative feelings and experiences into constructive actively benefits others, as well as themselves. No other sign has the emotional strength of Scorpio.

What'd ya think? Lolz.

Have to shut down the vacation mood. And get the work started!

But I can't stop myself from Professor Layton!

Pissed

2010-09-11T03:19:00.002+08:00

It's 3 am in the morning. And I couldn't be any angrier than anyone. I'm freaking angry now. I fell like slapping that person's face. Why would such company hire such people. Listen here. I'm gonna fuck you up tomorrow. U wait for me.

A happy week!

2010-09-07T21:31:00.015+08:00

Finally I've got some time to sit down and blog. It's quite a harsh time for me to stand up since the breakup. Guess how much the breakup cost me? Lolz. Let's continue and see how it goes. Lolz.

Been loving myself these days. Bought lotsa items for myself and bought some books to upgrade myself. This month, I guess it's the only month that I used up such an amount for myself actually.

I get stuff I need, want and longing for a very long time. Here it goes.

Item No 1:

A 1.5TB 3.5" HDD. Yes. It's big. Bulky. But who cares. Haha. Then I give my daddy my 500GB HDD. Got more space to store movies! Hehe.

Item No:2

A 320GB Passport 2.5" HDD. Basically get this because it is cute. And I don't need a 500GB because I have a 1.5TB punya. So yea. Get it? :p

She's cute. Ain't her?

Item No 3:

A NDS that I wished for so long. I borrow one from lyn last time. And because her sis need it, So I have to return to her. I can't accept that sometimes myself have to keep borrow stuff from people. Haha. And I know that people actually don;t like it. Now I have fulfill my craving for such challenging and brain-juice-producing game. Here I come Professor Layton!

After all the while. I'm been dreaming to use a great phone. A can-do-anything phone. And Able to online anywhere, anytime, check on my fb status, can teman mee to chat even when I'm outside. So I got myself an IPOD Touch. But there're limitations, I can't online when I'm In car, I can't get online when I'm at somewhere that wi-fi is not available. I was longing to get an Iphone. But all of the telco was out of stock for Iphone 3Gs. So, I get myself a new toy, supporting iphone's competitor.

Item No 4:

A Blackberry Bold 9700. It was waaaay too fun to play with. The screen was clearer than Iphone 3Gs. At least I think It was. Haha.

But within 24 hours I hold this phone. Someone longing for a good phone approach. And she was amazed by the face of the phone, and the ringtone that hit her mind. MUMMY!! MY BB nia! She is in love with the phone, organizer and more stuff. Despite the fact that she can't really hit the button she wanted correctly due to the small little button on the keyboard. :p

I'm always think that I'm not photogenic enough. I'm not suppose to be in a photo. I'm not suppose to this and that. But I am suppose to be in a photo when I'm taking photo with people that are really pretty. Because of my ugliness, there makes the prettiness of the pretty become more obvious. So yeah. Maybe I should set up a booth on the street or along the shopping complex corridor.

"Want to look pretty in photo? Take photo with me and you'll pretty magically" Don't believe? try it. One shot RM2. Haha. I can make money with that tau. Maybe should invest in stuff like that. Hmm...

I'm not photogenic. It is a fact that cannot be change. Remember that once there's someone think that she is not photogenic enough too. But I'm not sure it's a force or a kind of training, she get her confidence back in taking pretty photos. Now I've got alot of her photos in my HDD. So? Just keep it lo. Haha. Tho I got her photo on my, Ipod, as my I-touch wall paper, HP wall paper. Seems like some sort of Hentai. Haha. But well, those photo were nice, can't deny that. :) Nothing wrong to keep those.

I myself is ugly, and there're so many pretty stuff in the world. Why not just snapping them down? Once I've jealous and actually hate that I want to look cool with an DSLR, so I borrow to touch for a while but get shoo away and been left a negative comment behind. And the DSLR was borrowed to other guy that not know for too long. Yes, I've jealous about it once. And been said that "Please do not push me to someone else that you don't know about it". Am not a girl, but my sixth sense was strong. :)And Am proud of it.

DSLR was not a cheap item. So it was not to borrow to people that not worth the price. And I know the fact no one will borrow me any DSLR, So i get myself one instead. There goes my Item No: 5

A Nikon D90. :) I suck in taking photos, and I'm not sure how to use it. And luckily Nikon gave us a class on how to use it. Have to attend such session. See got time r not sin.

Instead of getting myself just only the original lens. I got myself a longer distance punya. So that I can snap someone on shower, or changing cloth...Oops. *cover mouth* I mean when birds are showering themselves beside the water fountain, trees are changing cloths, their leaves changed colour and ready for the next coming season. Yea. Besically I mean that. :p Don't you guys judge me!

I'm a clean freak, I can't stand myself staying in a dry, dirty, messed, dusty room. So I mop it everyday! yes, you are hearing me right. EVERYDAY! So, with high humidity content, In order to protect my camera, I get myself the Item No 6:

A 30 litre dry cabinet. Lolz. I'm not sure the reason I bought this, but it's not too expensive, so yeah. I always bought stuff that I don't really need. According to the user guide, I can even store pollen in it. Cool! Books...err....not like my books need to be in there. AH! Flowers! Not a bad idea.

Another view of them :) The upper one is my daddy's camera. A FSLR. Yea, we are Nikon supporter. Not say that I don't like canon, Just that I don't like to have things that everyone have. Like it is too normal to be seen.

After all the cool cool guy stuff. I have a soft side too *shame* Well, girls like to attract people, guys too! It's not like I want to make them My GF, but still it feels good that some people (I'm referring to female) actually peek at you when they walk pass you, or they'll actually come near you to sniff on you (without your notice). How I now? My friend told me. Lolz.

It actually feels good. Haha. Muahaha! Wahahah!

Ahem! *Cough* Well, back to the girl stuff (I think they are) I bought, not much, but I love them. Being too stupid to realize that I have ran out of perfume, and I gotta attend an important meeting soon. And being jealous at she was into Mr Sparkly perfume. I actually got myself 3! Haha. And I don't really like Mr sean's perfume because it was too fruity. So I got myself my main attraction!

Item No.7:

HUGO BOSS No.6! It was unisex la, but well, At least few of my friends, despite guys or girls, can't resist sniffing on me. Esp WT. Lolz. And Jacky's GF that almost-my-gf-last time. Even my lecturer say that : " wow, your perfume smell sexy" Lolz. I always use those cheap perfume from Watson's and Jusco, and I found that those are kinda useless actually, but not all of course.

HUGO cost me quite some amount. and too expensive and too heavy to put on everytime I go out. So I get myself a lighter fragrance.

Item No 7:

DKNY delicious. But not the perfume, just the deodorant. I don't need the perfume. haha.

It makes me start to feel good about myself when people (I'm referring to female also) peek on me. Lolz. Maybe I more suitable to become a girl? Choi! Nola, guys need attention also dema. Haha. That hairstyle memang suite me. Thinking of getting a new colour for my hair. But havent decide on anything yet. maybe the next time I got my hair cut.

Read her blog, She still miss Mr Sparkly,It make me think of the program I listened on radio today. Hmm...But I miss her alot too. I'm not sure why I do. But I do. Karin asked me why still I miss her. I'm not sure. I just do.

Read the blog, and she said that never been to a proper date? If I'm not mistaken. Just to tell. Wei! I Did! :p

I'm not sure whether it was a proper date or not. But in my memories, the best date with her was the Valentines date. :) We got ourself prepared, booked movie tickets, and we are ready for a valentine date! Being abit late to the spot, searched around, and yea, finally we got a place for ourself in KIM GARY. Haha.

yes, KIM GARY. But hey, who cares where it is. But who Am i going with for the date! She was extremely pretty and sexy that night. Red top, black wavy skirt. :) Whatever she wears suite me and make me feel nice. But not the boots. -.-

We chatted nicely in the restaurant, commenting on other girls sucky shirts. :p The image was still clear in my mind. Went for movie. and we did alot of great stuff together. :)

Among girls, I think she is still my best friend. We explore together, we try new things together, this and that. And I want to be with her. I don't know, I just miss her alot. But not that often already.

Working makes me forget the missing feelings. I'm not getting good sleep, not a day. It was just some quick nap for me. Can see that online business is going up due to raya. Lolz. The bidding forum is not bad as well. :) Realized that the best amount came from those who like to recover their lost data. Their precious DSLR photos, their company data. I can open any amount for them. LOLZ. But those really suck la. 250GB, divided to 2 partitions, each partitions divided to 99 partitions, and I have to recover every single partition which some of them might not be useful at all. And worst thing? They divided into 6 partitions. Damn! And I got Alooot of HDD to be recover. So i am actually lacking of sleep. But what? My sleep always lead me to nightmares. But one of it was very sweet. :) I spent time with her in dream. Haha.

I'm glad that these days she did told me she miss me. I'm not sure whether it was missing the paktoh me(Tho she say it is not), or the normal me (am I not normal)?
I'm glad and happy that she miss me. And I miss her too.

Bought two books, titles "How to improve studies" and " Get organized". It was helpful. Don;t know that I'm actually wasting time due to some time traps. Hmm...

Gotta start focusing on my ASS more. :) I want good grades. I can see it's going up too. :)

Stand up and stay strong Christopher. :)

Gosh!

2010-09-05T02:03:00.003+08:00

Had an awesome dinner with friends. It was really fun. Instead of heading to Sushi Zanmai, We headed for Pasta Zanmai.

The is fresher, the food taste better, the food's serving is bigger, their choco banana was waaay better than sushi zanmai and swensons. But of course, the price is waaay higher.

Haven't ate a proper meal since the breakup. No wonder WT said that I've become thinner. I've been drinking alot. Alooot. My face wasn change any colour and I'm able to drive home. WITH A CLEAR MIND.

Maybe before this I will think, why can't I just drive faster and not braking when turn into the corner and send me to somewhere else?

But it seems the tot's had disappeared now. But something will left in my heart, my mind, and my wrist. And it won't be a way to make it disappear.

Today 4 of us went to a pub @ curve. Then there's this hot chick came over and talked to me and ZH. She was fine, and should us be happy coz there're chicks willing to take phone number from you?

No, def not. Maybe I would be proud at first, or abit surprise at first. But wasn't so pleasant after that.

Went home from work today @ about 2pm. Instead of sleeping under a hot sun for a rest. I cleaned up my post-earthquake-victim room. And that gave my mood a boost. :D

Karin called today, she was sad. So yea, I chatted with her on phone awhile. She was exhausted that her boyfriend keep checking on her. Something like a stalker. Haha.

They thing I like Karin is that, I can sort of see mee in her. The look she was exhausted, tired, boring that her boyfriend keep haunting her. I was thinking, is mee like that also? I don't know. But def can see her getting better since I stopping myself from haunting her.

Looking at her blog, I don't know. And I'm not sure whether this guess is right. He still miss him, and she still think that they'll have a good rel if there were together. And def he gives her a better memory within few months compare to 3 years.

Couldn't agree more that when you are into the current, you tend to forget what your past. The feeling of being dam dai is not pleasure at all. You felt rejected, you felt like being throw around. You felt this and that. That was mixed.

Then Karin told me that she was in love with me. Then here goes the crap. She was pretty, she was scary-ly slim, she was very light last time I carry her on my back to the clinic when she was like....cramp in the stomach or what.

Yea, my back was comfortable, cz I've grown fat! Yes my perfume smells good, thx to you.

If I were to get into a relationship with you. It won't be fair for you because i still love my ex. And I'll just gonna ruin your life, because I was to go overseas next year. No, I don't want to caught up in a Long Distance Relationship either. It sux. Honestly.

I tried to hold hard on a LDR before too. But it doesn't work. What if later you get in love with your ex again later? I don't want to be hurt anymore.

I could have agree with your words.

"Why don't you give a chance to someone that appreciate and love you instead of holding on something that you might not reach and not appreciate you?"

Then why don't you give a chance to your ex-boyfriend then? He definitely appreciate you more than me. Rite? Then why don't you give him a chance? Although he cheated on you 3 times, and I think he know where his mistake is? :)

Mine? I will not getting other chance I think. Haha. So yea. Don't talk about it.

I'm starting to work hard on improving my CGPA this semester. I want to cash out myself to pay off my debts. I don't want to go and make people's life hard.

Maybe feeling is the thing to blame. You don't give me the feeling, and I don't give her the feeling but he did gave her the feelings, and she does gave me the feelings, and I do give you the feelings.

I'm not sure whether you'll call her lucky or what, scientifically, I'm her husband last life? and I died earlier? So this life I owe her alot, It's cool that people don't appreciate what I've done. But guess this is what I owe her. :)

Sadly is that she might not be able to stop by KL when she was back. Will It be awkward if I go down JB to look for her? How will her parents think about me? Haiz.

The sad thing is I still miss her alot, the good thing is I don't miss her sooo often already. Sometimes I just wish that we could have a time to talk to each other.

Drinking is an immature way to act mature. And I don't see the point of drinking already. So I'll stop it. :)

There's a blackout at her place today. Silly-ly, I wish I could be around her, and hey, don't be afraid, or any other suitable word. I'm here. So heroic! Haha. I just wish I could be around her, spend time with her. Makes me feel like a girl wei. Want to be the support thingy.

But hey, I'm not looking down on girls. They are powerful. I'll respect them instead. :) Create harmony. Unless the bitch that betrayed me, and hoi! Stop messaging me! Am not going to revive your freaking job! Apologizing makes no different.

I'm OK to revive it, and accept your apologies, but you gotta take some action. Show me that you are sorry. I'm not that mean actually, I always give people a second chance. OK? I've stated clearly here. Tell me when you think you can accept my weird behavior. I am willing to give you a chance. Yes.

I'm still kinda hurt and sad over the "let it go bah" thingy.

Looking at my offer letter. Where should I choose, Unisa already accepted me, so I guess and I assume beimidji too.

I am thinking of if I go to Unisa, I could be around her. And yes, I can teman her. I can explore with her. But would it be just...again one hand is clapping? If I were to let go, i shall choose Beimidji.

I want to be around her. Haiz. I really want to. But, does she want me to be around? Is it useful If I were around? Will she like me if I were around her? Or just will like that after that?

I afraid to choose. Could god just give me an answer where should i go? I love her still.

Bought myself an NDS Lite! Professor Layton 2! Imma gonna crack your riddles and balls 2! And guess what? I bought it for just Rm250! lolz.

I miss you mee. Would one day you'll just sms me and tell me you miss me? Haha.

*Dreaming*

Hmm.

2010-09-03T20:14:00.003+08:00

It's quite sad that sometimes hafta blame on the feeling that someone doesn't miss you. No matter how much you miss them.

I really hope one day she'll tell me. I miss you. But guess not that easy le bah.

Guess college have did something wrong with my CGPA. I Tot my CGPA was 2.10. Stated there. But after I sort out the formulas, mine suppose to be landed at 2.30 like that. Asshole.

Reading my offer letter from Unisa. You know what. I was so happy that finally I can go there. All my dreams was there. But until yesterday she ask me to let go. It's not like I can let go easily. Haha.

I still love her. I don't know how to say. Just, stubbornly, I feel like I want to be with her. For now la. Until I met someone that will crush on me too.

I don't know how to say my feelings. I love talking to her, I love doing stuff with her, I love explore with her. Tho we quarrel alot, but the feeling for me is click!

Haha. But guess over already. :)

Surprisingly I don't really think of her today. :) Guess i work too much. I havent sleep for about 2 days. What the hell.

My mind is floating. Haha.

DKNY deodorant is such a good product. My family loves it. Haha.

Daddy ask me: " You got a new girlfriend ah? Don't want Lyn liao? She's a good girl woh, Don't play fool around, no playboy is allowed"

Me: "Nola, I fat hao, no new girlfriend, I'm not a playboy la"

Laughing like that, you won't know how it feels in my heart.

I wish to tell daddy, Just the opposite. Haha.

I'm not sure whether Should I still choose Unisa or beimidji. Nvm, Lets see how it works.

If i would let go. I'll heading to beimidji. And guess If like that, I wont be back to msia sooo soooon. :)

I miss you.

DamN!

2010-09-03T01:02:00.003+08:00

Too many negative ions around me wei. Gotta let go some of it.

For you, can you just fucking leave me alone? I didn't hope for anything. But please, just get out of my life. Can? Don't trying to be weak here after you've done these to me. And please stop singing ur super junior chorus on me. You are not worth it. And the chorus doesn't really work.

Do you think I'll just forget what you've done to me and you there pretending cool and standing there strongly? To pissed me off? Think again. You are done. You want to get your job back? sorry, I cant speak, I'll just show you some international sign language.

So stop bugging me and stop transferring me your negative ions. I've much enough, I'll just leave you alone for the whole freaking ----.

Stop calling me, stop sms me, you've put me on top of fire now. Why? Coz of your betrayal. I'll never trust u again. You betrayed me once, you can do it twice. You can betray me, sure you can betray the other person. Just i'm not sure what kind of you-think-its-brilliant-and-sounds-like-people's-fault idea to betray your next partner.

Yea you can find the other company besides the one i gave you, but you think you really are high in value? Just because you can do something that people not willing to do? Your name is blacklisted now. YOU GOTTA PRAY THAT THERE'S A COMPANY WILLING TO ACCEPT YOU.

After everything, you'll end up with a company you'll not like. Curse you! CURSE YOU!

You make my day getting worse and worse, could you just fucking get out of my life?

You think you are cool and you are smart and whatever you think you are after getting rid of me? I'm not cool, i'm not smart, I'm not whatever you think.

I'm Cold, I'm intelligent, I'm not anything you think I am.

Go on with your thinking. Continue, see where you'll lead yourself to. You might be better one day. But you'll stuck there forever. Don't say i didn tell you.

For you who think I'm talking about you. Not you. For those who think this is cute. I'm fucking talking about you.

This post is describing one person only.

念头

2010-09-02T16:13:00.002+08:00

第一次我把手机关上,忽然有种莫名的快感,决定不管别人怎么想,今天晚上要去闯一闯.

独自来到夜晚的山上,听说这里最靠近天堂,

因为太高电话不会响,
因为太黑看不到理想.

晚风吹来一阵阵冰凉,
凉透繁华的十里洋场,
多年以来累积的内伤
今天一次就把它喝光.

今天决定不回家有话明天讲，看一看别人，
一些男人真命苦，男儿当自强

他们都说我怎样怎样，
我管别人他要怎么讲，
背后捅我满满的刀伤，
又不敢给我胸口一枪，

不要怪我话乱讲，
做事容易，
做人有够难。

如果你肯把我当朋友，
我还是你最好的搭档。

Lullaby library..

2010-09-02T09:01:00.003+08:00

Sudoku-ing and doing maths at the same time was not a good idea. I tend to mixed the numbers from equation and the sudoku's. What the hell?

I'm not sure whether is my new hairstyle makes me look good, or the Hugo boss made me sexy. But of course I choose Hugo boss cz it cost me rm260+ whereas the haircut cost me rm30. Haha.

Cz they actually gap me. Haha. And walk close to smell too I guess. But anyway, change myself is just to make mysel feel better. Not to attract girls. Yes I'm addicted in love and sex. But only with her. For now. I'm not making over myself because I don't want to DIY.

Back to maths. Yay!

Strengthen heart.

2010-09-02T07:00:00.003+08:00

Ho Ho Ho! Wake up in the morning doesn't really make me feel good. But I have to do it anyway.

I've finally got my COE for Unisa. But why don't I feel happy about it?

But it does make me feel good after I've went to bath. Haha.

Having class later at 10. But I'm going there at 8! Just sit in the library and do my maths revision! I want an A!

Looking at the blog doesn't really make me sad already. I think I'm immune to it already. Sometimes i wonder why I've got trust issue with me? Any bad childhood memories involved? Hmm...

Customer morning ad called me, Oi! computer finish repair already? and hows the recovery for the HDD?

You gave me a freaking bad partitions HDD wei! Well, I bought a Rm12 software to recover. And Imma gonna charge you for Rm300. Muahaha.

Online business was getting better. This month sales had reached the target. Cut everything down will be like earn few thousands only. Still far away from my first pot of gold.

I found that I've getting lazy. Lazy to explain more and more to people. In other words, more ngam ngam cham cham. Haha. Felt myself was kinda thick face keep explaining my stuff to people that don't really want to listen.

And am not gonna explain anymore. I don't need to tell people what I've done for them, what I've suffer throughout my life. What's the point? Yes, I might be slower in some aspect compare to people. But I'm going slow and steady.

I started to in love with reading. Haha. Bought some self help book from MPH. Damn! it was expensive.

One of the friend told me, you love people with your heart. It;s ok whether they'll love you back. You give. and you feel happy about it.

I love her. And Not gonna type looooong explanations. Yes, I can't let go her still. But everything is in heart. I got a strong heart.. no?

Be strong. Stand up.

Self reminder

2010-09-01T18:11:00.006+08:00

Dear Ms Cindy,

Could you please stop calling me? And Please Do you mind stop apologizing? And FYI, I won't forgive for what you've done. How can you expect me to pretend normal and act as nothing when you do such an big impact towards my life? Right? So, Yea. Should stop contact me.

Went down to JB for some stock checking today. Being in Puduraya makes me remind of her.

So I decided to take out a phone and SMS her to tell her that I missed her. I'm not sure whether I should send it or not. But I decided to send it anyway. Feel happy that she replied. That's all. I was wondering is she miss me or not.

But after I read the blog. Hell yeah! He was missing Mr Sparkly. And totally how I feel like waiting what she would reply. I was worry about her being drunk or what. Yes I am. but she appreciated Sparkly's worry more.

Am I hurt? Yes.

So? ^_^

It's 2. one more.

Karin was correct. If the person have no feeling towards you. Whatever you do will be nothing. Haha. It's not about distance in physical, but heart. It's not about how serious the problem is. But is the other person willing to hold your hand and walk through the problems with you? No I guess. Sms is exp for her when the receiver is me. But not the other. Lolz. I think is saw the difference.

Yes, and am not going to step into another relationship until I'm fully recover. Because it's unfair to the other girl Ms Karin.

Yes, and am still practice loyalty. Because I hate being betrayed, so I don't betray.

A promise is a promise. I wont eat it. I hold on on what i've said.

Why I was so hurt and she's not? *check heart*

She wasn't feel hurt because she has another pillar to lean on.

I don't. and i gotta stand up on my own.

Be strong chris. Be strong.

Thx to all my friends that really consoled me and be around me when i am sad.

Tho I choose not to tell the problems. But still, I rather she don't tell me.

Business is getting up! Am going to upgrade myself more. :)

Am not blaming my life and luck anymore.

Looking at the lines on my hand. I'll never forget how I was betrayed. How my feeling was played, and how my effort was wasted.

Yes, it's 2 and the half. Im completing the leftover line later.

Self mutilated. Is what keep me awake.

Trust? There's no trust and love in this world. I told myself.

It's 2 already. One more to go.

Yesh! Unisa. I'm finally coming. :) can't wait to grad!

Why?

2010-09-01T06:43:00.004+08:00

After all of those relaxing moment has over. It's time to face the problems that come to you, or problems that you have avoided for few days.

What will actually stop you from sleeping and jerk you up in the middle of the night?

you are right, worries do.

Looking at my school fees, how am i gonna pay this?

Looking at my S&P, how am i gonna pay this?

Problems come even before the house was build.

*sigh*

Even if I got the offer letter from Unisa, who is going to pay for me?

All of the sudden, everything left me just like that.

My career, Have being betrayed by someone I've trusted.
My money, have gone almost all of it.
My love, have let me too.

Guess all of it happens around the same concept.

But some sort of feelings tell me that, this still isn't the lowest point.

I mean, why couldn't I just live like a normal child? Finish high school, go college, done with it, get a degree. And just come out to work? How nice would it be? Rite? Why would I have to carry all these problems with me?

I've even tried to end my life! Gosh, just...is it that bad? Looking at the 2 and the half lines on my hand. It's pain. Reaaaal Pain. But, it's more pain inside the heart. My heart is being strangle. Not a single day my heart would feel comfortable.

She get herself drunk yesterday. I was worry about her. But, useful meh? Maybe she don't even know you are worrying about her, she don't even know you miss her. I'm not sure why she get herself drunk. But 'm sure not because of me. But I guess I know the problems.

She don't even get drunk because she miss me.But of course, I don't want this to happen. Haha. Man, my value has totally gone.

She'll be missing him alot for sure. And what makes her touch is that he wants to see her once again before he left. Awww..that's sweet.

I've been waiting in Malaysia for more than a year to see her. I was online everyday. Just to chat with her. To de-miss-fy-kan. Haha.

I've blogged alot about her, guess my main problem was still that.

I've told her I miss her. Twice. Well, I didn't get anything from her. Still as cool as well. She was busy. Was too busy to chat. But...

Well, what to do? I always tell myself this. You might got your hardwork done. But not everyone know you are doing a hardwork. And not everyone will appreciate it.

Who will actually appreciate mine? Was my hardwork and sincerity not to be appreciated?

*Shrug*

I'm going to get my hair dyed.

Hmm....what colour would suite me?

Any Idea?

yay!

2010-08-31T10:39:00.003+08:00

Sleep very early yesterday! Yesh Am happy today! Why? Cz I'm sleeping without pills!

Oh I'm sleeping without pill~~ (sing in the tune of flying without wings)

My room is like a mess! I was like woke up from a faint cause by earthquake. Haha.

I dream about uncle, he's like trying to talk to me but I woke up.

:)

Don't know how to say.

I miss you.

So?

But prob at the end was missing the cheezels. :P

Having a good sleep is one of the best thing ever!

Lonely~ I'm Mr lonely~

2010-08-30T14:49:00.004+08:00

You know you'll need a break when you start to lose concentration when

1.) You do things that require high concentration (e.g: driving) and you losing all of it and almost bang into people's ass.

2.) Your room is messy like just gone through an earthquake.

3.) Your leg got ramped over by a pickup truck and you feel pain after awhile.

4.) Even sleep require concentration and you just can't sleep.

5.) You think in a weird way. You act in a weird way.

It was one of the saddest day ever. Such an unlucky day I'm in. It was like. People I trusted alooooot, and you think she is the people that can assist you, betrayed you and put you into shit.

Ms Cindy. I seriously hate you. I was too naive to trust you. But good to know that you've finally revealed yourself. Yes, I've loss my job now. So what can you gain? It's not like you are able to be on the position. Twice you've done this to me. Just that I always told myself it wasn't you.

Read a blog that stated something that makes me kinda hurt. I honestly don't know why will I feel hurt and sad when I read the whole thing. But, what can i do rite? It's obvious. :)

Speechless, i've totally speechless. Actually what is going wrong with my life?

Classic example showing on my face.

FAILURE.

I fail in career, I fail in love, I fail in health. Sometimes it;s kinda hard to accept that I'm such a failure. Wow!

Yes, I'll be ok. What can i do if I'm not ok rite? Buddies, It's not like I'm pushing you guys away. Just that, I just don't want to talk and even mention about my problems. It's too hurt to spill out.

I was desperate for the job. I'm holding on strong to explain that wasn't my act. But i don't know the manager was her relatives! Damn! No wonder he won't listen to my explanations and shoot me off to sky high.

I've lots more debts to pay off.

Guess now de situation, I'll have to sell of the properties and shares as soon as possible. Haiz. What a life.

i was desperate for love. I'm holding on strong too. But the post was too bad for me to read. Haha. Reading the post, I realized, that hey, I've never hold hands with more than 2 girls! (my mum and sis and my grandma excluded)Haha.

I realized that i was pressuring on her too much. But I love her. I don;t know how should I explain my mixed feelings now. She was online. I wanted to chat with her. But she was busy in preparing her presentations tonight! Argh! But I miss her! Lolz.

Tho deadly I wish she'll be back with me. But..*shrug* I don't know how to put my feelings in words.

Am not going to disturb people with my problems and emotions anymore.

Sometimes, guess everything have to put a full stop there. Rite?

Whether you like it or not.

I'm still in the process of learning. And I'm learning to trust. again. >.<

Looking at the post makes me feel like wanna crush. Lolz.

Anyone had a crush on me? Lolz.

I need to hold hand, I need a hug. seriously.

I'm lonely.

And luckily my bone wasn't fractured because the stupid truck didn see me at the back of the truck.

Positive view of it: 1) I'm too slim to be seen, eventho I got a Big tummy.
2) My bones are hard enough to endure a ramp over. I drink milk!

Do I really gonna have a life like that? Till the end? No way lo.

I'm lonely. Very Very lonely.

I tell myself. Chris, You gotta be strong, and stay strong. Stand up and focus again. :)

Who will tell me this actually? Besides myself? Lolz.

加油了，大家。

2010-08-05T00:47:00.002+08:00

自从把那一笔调进来，已经有很多不明人士找上门了。也有很多来历不明的电话。但，我一点也不担心。这么多电话打进来，有两通是让我睡不着觉的。一通是开心的睡不着。一通是担心的睡不着。

开心的一通，是昨天她打来的一通长途电话。不知道为何，听到了她的声音，整个人都快乐起来。而知道她打来是因为我不开心，我便开心的睡不着。在床上翻来覆去，在看着电话，开心极了。

担心的一通，是今天。接到了阿姨打来的电话，谈了一下，才知道叔叔自从爸妈在探望他回来的时候，已经没吃过东西了。或者换一句话来说，他，已经吃不到东西了。医生说还剩下最后的一个疗程了，就不知道是什么疗程。但，做了之后，就不能见到光最少十天。也就是说要被关在一个完全没有光的房间。最少十天！

阿姨说他不敢告诉叔叔，怕告诉了，叔叔不肯做这个疗程。我说，但，如果不告诉他，当他做完了手术时，张开眼睛时，却是一片黑暗，伸手不见五指，什么都看不见，那他不就以为自己已经去世了？那恢复的机会就跌到零了？

不过，叔叔也很惨了。无端端从一百跌到零。生活里，不能说起伏，因为没有起过。看看自己，生活有起有落，虽然面临种种失败，但还有希望。

叔叔就没了，一次又一次的希望，破灭了，又破灭了。有希望了，又破灭了。比我还失败。比觉得没希望的我，更没希望。我有和叔叔们商量过，既然我有空，可以过去陪叔叔，陪他关在黑房又好，陪他聊聊天又好。最好，就可以陪在他的身旁。既然阿姨说不出口，就由我来说吧。就算被骂，被生气的，也就是最后一次了吧。就算没得救，也可以算是陪在他身边吧。能在自己的英雄旁边陪他，就算不能做些什么，也觉得骄傲吧。毕竟，他也在我的人生中，给了我不少提示，也教了我不少东西。不过，就只怕看到了他，眼泪会不受控制吧。听叔叔说，他，瘦的已经变了另外一个人了。就连叔叔们，也差点不认得他了。抗癌过程，一定非常很十分辛苦吧。

虽然说，全部人已经做了最坏的打算，但如果真的面对起来时，都是锥心之痛。希望ＮＥＫＯ，也早日康复。看到了她ＦＢ的照片，已经都剪了光头，但还是笑笑脸。虽然是笑笑脸，但心里想什么，感受是怎样，就只有她自己了解，她自己感受得到。我不认识你，可能你也不知道我的存在，但我心里，也为你祈祷，也为你而吃素。祝你早日康复。

星期五就开工了。希望这次的不会困难。不会有太大的麻烦。即使是有，也是人生的一部分。加油了。　大家。

Still dreaming...

2010-08-01T16:29:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, I wish that I have more power. Regardless that the power of status, or the power of wealth. So that At least, I could help up a little bit.

Nowadays, we've totally lost contact with uncle and aunty. No one see them online neither on MSN nor Skype. We can't even get the phone connected. Everyone was worrying about them.

Daddy's working got a major problem. :S These days can't even see him properly. Went out at 6, back at 12 midnight or more. Even today finally get a chance to had breakfast with him. A call dismissed him from the spot. :(

It's not like I can help daddy to solve some problems. But I wish I could. Handling the foreigners isn't easy. Not like we are strong enough to fight them. Looks like...psychology is a good path for me. But I think. I am gotta misuse it.

Went Ikea yesterday with my gang. Cool outing. Instead of buying stuff, we snapped hell lot of photo there. Nice outing guys. =)

Glad to know that Mee enjoyed the party yesterday. Wish Sharanya a Happy Birthday here. Tho it's late. And don't think she'll keep up or see this passage, and something is better to say it out infront or directly to the person. But, Nah.

Glad that mee finally sort of detach from me. It's sad that these days I can't even chat nicely with her. Not saying the 10 mins of chatting session. Guess she'll be more busy nowadays. Since ah...she gotta develop a marketing plan for 400 peoples in 3 weeks. So, it's better not to disturb her in this 3 weeks. Tot today will be have some time chatting with her. But she's on movie. Haha. Sad got bit. But what can I do? :) Let her have more freedom lo.

Finally got myself into a stupid low paid job after I got my cert reprinted. Now I've gotta write some "Interesting, Interacting, Inn" program, as in, softwares every month in order to get my 3500 into my bank account. Tho it's abit lower, but, I'm able to work from home. But have to hand in a week before the deadline. It's gonna be tough. But well, Good benefits ma.

Went to see uncles' newly bought house today. Not too big, but at least it's better to stay in an apartment. Did some research on the property location and stuff. Not the bad. Maybe I can use my daddy's name to get one for invest when I worked for like, 2 years, since phase 3 will be better and will completed in 3 years.

ONLY IF I GET MY JOB PROTECTED FOR 3 FREAKING YEARS!!

Got a part time job nearby Jusco, working with the previous company, but different branch. Which is nearer, and am gonna work in PC fair to get that RM 300! this time work, am gonna get the info for purchasing. I'm still gonna open my own comp shop. Once I get enough modal. *slap self* Stop dreaming!

Slightly getting more comfortable being alone. It's not like I can let go fully. But what can I do besides trying to let go and accept it? No, it's not like what, I will still work it on. :) Until I know I've failed totally. A guy that bad in certain aspect doesn't seems to be a problem. But, if you don't try hard enough. It's not like you'll gonna success anyway.

Went to watch twilight with Karin, Was surprised that she told me that. "Can be your part time gf, but if full time, have to depends on yourself" When i joke that asking her to introduce some girls to me coz she can't introduce any job to me. :s

Nope. Not gonna go into another relationship first. Unless the one. Haha. See when I can get my house lo. Then only say. :p

Aiya, I'm dreaming still. Can't wait for the result day and the new sem. I'm gonna work harder this time. >.<

Of course, I'm not interested. No way i'll getting into

宽恕

2010-07-26T06:56:00.002+08:00

发觉，有很多事情，我都很懒惰去给予详细的解释。甚至我也不想去解释。没有必要吧。在Station One 坐了接近两个小时。叫了两桶酒，一桶五支。那人问我，还有人来吗？我说没有。总共一个人喝了七支。肚子很不好受，连上厕所都是臭的。不知道，是一个人喝酒的问题，还是，伤心的问题，喝起来，特别容易醉。

有和她SMS，她说还是没能忘记以前我怎么对她。我想，她指的是，以前我没能在她的身边陪她的那种错误吧。其实，到现在，我也很内疚，因为我不能陪她。而现在，我是最想陪她的。但，有用吗？

树欲静而风不止，子欲养而亲不在。

但是不是这件事，我就不知道。问心无愧，我没做过对不起她的事情。一点也没有。

但在我的心里，虽然她还没能原谅我，但在我的回忆里，我和她的那段感情，回想起来，I still enjoy it.　虽然我们吵架无数，但吵完一次，却令我更了解她．一些花心朋友说我笨，别为了一棵树，放弃了一片森林；女朋友，她不要你，就换啊．

对，我可以，但，我不选择这样．除非我不爱她，和她在一起的感情是假的．但，感情，开心，伤心，一切都比珍珠还真．就算我不尊敬自己，把自己搞得像个花心萝卜，但也要尊敬对方．自己没有身价就好，别把别人的身价也拉低．

一支，两支，三支，四支，五支，六支都过去了，喝的醉醉时，心里就不知不觉，就点燃了一支烟，可能抽烟，增加了我的男人味．哈哈，．一些令我想不到的事情发生了．竟然吸引了两位二十多岁的Aunty来和我闲聊．还以为这些只会在酒吧发生．过来问我，为钱烦还是为女人烦，钱帮不到，女人却可以．:S　什么人来．先先想他们来一定不怀好意，但却提醒了我．

原来，她们俩也是情伤，原以为开始男朋友疼她们到入骨，还以为找到了另一半，却做完了以后，感情就变了，男朋友还带别的女人去他门的家．开什么玩笑？过后就觉得自己很伤，很脏．就干脆出来＂玩＂．
还大说见过不少男人，什么每个都一样．都是一个字．＂色＂．哈哈．＂色＂离我很远了．所以，很骄傲的，我就是他们所说的不一样的男人．原先还以为我是Gay的．你就Gay.我很正常．

自甘堕落，自暴自弃，没有用。抽烟，喝酒，伤身体，已经偏离了我的做人的赤道，偏离了我做人的原则．

喝着酒的同时，和她SMS着，令我伤心透了．写着写着一些负气的话要回，看了看内容．不太好吧．没有必要让别人伤心．伤人心的话，就像一支射出去的箭，射穿了人的心，说几千句对不起也补不会那穿洞的心．那支箭，今天领教过了．想着想着，心里越是火滚．但一生气，心就痛起来了．看着他们两个，都是爱情的受害者．我不想变得像他们一样，我也不想令她受伤．唯有两个字．　

宽恕．

宽恕，比一切来得重要，也衬托了一个人品德的高低．
宽恕，令我的怒气全消．
宽恕，令她不再为我担心．
宽恕，令我没失去她，令我可以再次再她＂身边＂保护她．
宽恕，是让我心得洞，自己修补，自己填回去的原因．

想通了，令我可以实现我的诺言，在这一生里，当她开心或伤心时，可以陪她开心，别让她伤心．
就算全世界每个人都不要她，不理她，我一定第一个举手要她．
不只是因为诺言，也因为我爱她．不管是什么年龄，我也要她．

原以为，我的爱不足于令她改变，她的爱不足于令她为我改变．

但，明白了，爱．原来是这样．

想通了，付了钱．就回家了．她们还奇怪的问我为什么请他们喝酒还说谢谢．
我只说，因为你们帮我喝完了我喝不完的酒．抽不完的烟．

我发觉，我还是爱她的．:)

唉！

2010-07-25T20:36:00.003+08:00

今天不知道犯了什么事情，整天衰到低。不只是给人嫌弃，又给人看小，别说这些，连身体也嫌弃自己了。平时，也不懂什么原因，已经从平时的三餐，减到了一天一餐。

刚才和姑姑他们吃晚餐，虽然大鱼大肉摆在我面前，与其令我食指大动，我尽然没有想吃的感觉。过后一股恶心的感觉从独自里涌出来。尽然在餐厅的厕所呕了出来，也不知道为何，眼泪也一起跑了出来。

空悲切！

没有饿的感觉，但想找人出去喝喝酒，去烟多的地方。

我想念她，但，已经没有这个权力了。踏入了烟酒这一步，已经没有回头的地步了。那九千块，可以用来烟酒一段日子吧。

。在Facebook看到了她，也终于有了男朋友。虽然她没在Facebook上写出来，但被人TAG 了，看得到吧。看她脸上的笑容，很开心。看到了，也很安慰。虽然她肥了许多，但总算有人要。哈哈。

而她，也开始向前跑了。回约朋友出去逛逛，会想要购入一些不同类型的衣服。也好，至少不会被我拖累。也就是说，我对她，没什么影响了，生活里，多我一个不多，少我一个不少。

看来，该放下的，总得放下。让时间冲淡一切吧

唉！我做人，真失败。他妈的。死掉算了。。

我，够了

2010-07-25T13:29:00.002+08:00

昨天驾了整天的车，一直到了早上五点多才到家，身体很累，头也很重，原本以为回到家就会一觉到天亮。谁知也是眼睁睁的翻来翻去到天亮。严格来说，已经两天，甚至超过四十八小时没睡过觉了。这几天都没有好好的睡一觉了。

以前写作文时，就会以很吸引人，或是很写实的话来描述风景。今天天一亮，不是被闹钟叫醒，而是被一些美妙的鸟叫声唤醒了我。

现实都大不同，很烦，一早被吵声，骂架声，汽车鸣笛的声音吵的心烦。这样的，又一天，有了个不好的开始。开始了平时做的东西，Facebook, Blog, MSN. 读了她的Blog, 才发觉自己平时做的东西是没有用的，白费的。不过，想了想，有时候是不是自己太过。。。想太多呢？就知道她心情不好，就有些不放心。就上网MSN。没看到她在线，就有点不放心。想打个电话给她，又怕自己的沙哑的，烦人的声音，吵到了她。就唯有等。

终于有回了。但接下来的话题，比以前分手时的话，来的伤心，来的尖锐，来的针针见血的多。还有些被落井下石的感觉。她伤心时，有些烦恼，或不甘心的，因为我不能陪伴她。但，到今天，我一直有的第六感证实我猜的没错。她，是有别人支持的。先先还以为自己很厉害，是暂时支持她的一个人，有时还因为没办法陪她，而责怪自己，而在那儿烦，在那儿伤心。

但，我错了。大错特错。

在她告诉我的一番话里，是完全没有保留任何感情，完全没有顾及别人感受，直肠直肚的说出来。听了那一番话后，觉得，我拚命读书，拼命学习新东西，拼命赚钱的理由，通通都消失了，就好像爬楼梯，爬到一半的时候，上面的楼梯都没了。想了又想，觉得自己有些被人操控在掌心里的感觉。需要你时就来，不需要你是就别出现在面前，不然会被嫌烦。心里的EQ,像木偶一样被扯来扯去，要你担心，要你开心，要你伤心，五只手指一动，就会做出我要的动作。

其实心里早就有打算了，原本来自不同地方，不同背景：写BLOG,一个用英文，一个用华语；一个家里说英文，一个说华语；一个家族全都有脑，聪明，全都是白领的，一个家族全都有病，笨，靠勤奋，靠血汗，靠拾烂铜烂铁来养活一家大小的。就连另一半，都要说英文的。我说华语的，还能说什么？

不是说我英文不好，只是没人和我说罢了。

原先以为，爱情可以改变一个人。看看自己，还真相信爱情可以令我发奋图强。所以坚信她会对我改观。还说要和她说英文呢。可爱吗？

但，我错了。大错特错。

爱情，不能改变一个人。只是看看，那个人，肯不肯为他/她爱的人改变。

可怜她必须用了三年半的时间来等。但，就只有等。

听了那一番话，回想起之前听她说 “我等你” 的时候开心的心情，说“我想念你”，“我爱你”，心里甜甜的滋味，

一扫而空

在这一笔买卖里，120台手提电脑，和别人借钱来买，转手一卖，还清了债，还赚了六千！:D 加上次死省死挨挨出胃痛的三千, 加起来有九千咧！是我本身存的有史以来最多的一次！为自己有点骄傲。

原本想给个惊喜别人，等她回前，买张机票送给她，再拿出一些来和她到处去走走。最后存一些去她的毕业典礼。好计划吗？

但，我错了。大错特错。

一切，都化为乌有，色即是空，空即是色。空悲切。一切，已经变得没有意义了。不是对我做了的东西，而是一番尖锐的话。宁愿后悔，也不愿给我一次机会。

原本一颗充满信任，诚恳，从拾信心，从新燃烧的心，已经没了，破灭的梦想，只留下了一颗破碎的心。

家里问题一箩箩，再加上这个，我已经受够了。我的问题，永远不会外泄，当我不听话也好，死蠢也好。没有人会听我诉说，也没有人会帮我解决，人，就会制造问题，麻烦，烦恼给我。加重负担。

我，收够了。

昨天才发觉，抽烟，真的可以减压。看来，终于有理由给我抽烟了。

抽有死，不抽又死，还早点死。不抽，不划算。

叔叔，要坚强，要早日康复。

还有 NEKO,我不认识你，但也祝你早日康复。你也得坚强。

天在下雨了，您是不是为他们俩的不幸而哭泣呢？

Christopher shakeleg.

2010-07-20T14:17:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder why, people tend to look down on me, or my skills. Am I really giving people that kind of images? An image that I'm not capable to do anything perfectly.

I woke up at 6 today, as usual. Fetch my sis to school. Had a breakfast at the kopitiam hearby my house. Surprisingly the same aunty ask me the same questions everytime i go there.

"ALONE ah?"
"Yes"
" Okay, what you want to drink?"
*ordered food and drinks*
"Why you always come alone?"
"haha, no people want to eat with me mah"

Damn! You think I want to go eat alone? Having breakfast and lunch alone? I used to go cinema alone always. Until now, I don't really go to cinema already unless some super duper nice movie that i wanted to watch so badly.

Then I was to online to check the email. I've applied for few jobs and am waiting for their reply. One replied. Am not qualified. Yes, I understand. So while checking mail, my friend msn me. She just back from taiwan, and was asking whether I know this place or not. So I went online check for her, and surprisingly that place is nice! So i decided to add into the "New places that want to try with mee this year end" list, so at least some new and nice place, a little new surprise.

But things didn end up so well. I think end up badly as well. It's not like my mood was that bad and that good. Maybe my life is all about failure, so i was abit numb towards those.

Sometimes life is abit funny, people are motivated to do stuff. without motivation, that particular person won't be holding on for so long. Like uncle yin, he was deadly to looking ways to get himself cured. because he told me that, he still got 3 children, a family. Then i ask him how bout his job? A sentence he told me that he can lost things such as job, money, status. But not family. The only motivation that made him holding on was his family.

So am I, it's not like i'm having a cancer or need to be motivated by a family. Yes, some part it is. ZH ajak me saved up some money, so that we can go for a trip to hong kong this coming year end. But I decided not to. I told him, there're someone important coming back to Malaysia and we are going somewhere else. I'm crossing out the calender day by day, looking when she'll be coming back. But things doesn't go well after a chat this afternoon.

It's not like I dont want to be happy, just that in order to be happy, i need at least some figure to make me happy. It's not like someone telling you that "we cant hired you because you are not qualified" can makes me happy. It's not like I am willing to stay home and doing nothing but babysitting both my brother and sister.

Skyped with grandmother yesterday. (Yes, my grandma Skype). Due to uncle went to china for medications, all of our family are involved in Skype. Grandma said that she don;t know when she'll be able to come back. All of my aunty's daughter was diagnosed with coxsackie virus. Both little twins were crying like mad. And the eldest daughter was placed in the hospital. Grandma is there to take care of the eldest daughter.

Yes, my family is a sickening family. but what to do? Sometimes, I really have to take up the responsibilities that more than what I should do. But honestly, who will look deeper into my heart and comfort me by telling me, hey, it's okie. Things will over very soon. NO ONE! Not even my parents, they'll think, it is what you should do.

I might not be as clever, but I got the heart. people tend to not believe what I said. Mee said that it doesn't matter about the year end thingy. It's like, go or don't also the same, will not affect me much. Do you know how excited I am about the year end thingy? And I'm not the person that will leave you somewhere or at any places. And say me cry wolf. Don't do what i said. Maybe last time I will, but not now, and still you don't really believe in me.

Sometimes I'm sad that people don't believe me, even the person i think will believe me the most. Some worse, it's okie to don't believe me, but please don't dig me up more. The most heart digging and most humiliated words i've been receive, the mistake I shouldn't go and chat with her at that particular night.

I think I was just asking for some opinion. But didn expect to receive such heart digging and humiliation words. Now after all of the complains, congrats that you finally have a boyfriend. I might not as good as what you think. Cause I'm better than what u expect.

After this, I finally come to realised that, not everything we hold on is true and suitable for you. I finally understand the meaning of this.

Noticed that I really talk alot. Maybe i shouldn't talk that much besides in this blog. I'll cut down again. My voice is getting better than toad. At least the voice is up to a pitch that human ears can hear. Yay! Thanks to the freaking bitter chinese herbal med.

I should love and believe myself more,
since there's no one believe and love me anymore,
tho my heart has been tore before,
doesn't mean I have to open my claw,
looking at my dreams and many more,
flew away to place that i couldn't saw,
and makes my heart again it sore,
look down by people they think they are tall.

I should love and believe myself more,
since there's no one believe and love me anymore,
bite your teeth and hold your claw,
get through the life that full with war,
do not expect people will tell you your flaws,
stand up again when you fall,
Sunrise is there waiting to be saw.

But there's something to be extract from your flaw,
Do not look down on people when you are tall.

Muahaha, I can crap alot actually. call me Christopher shakeleg. :p
Do not look down on people

Another sleepless night

2010-07-19T05:35:00.002+08:00

Dear blog,

It's 5.30 in the morning. My head was heavy, and seriously, I need to sleep. I need to go to bed. Unfortunately, I don't feel sleepy at all. I just want to have a healthy life. I drink more than 8 glasses of water everyday, I jog almost everyday. I lower down the meat consumption. The only purpose is just one, I want, and I'm struggle to recover, to live healthy.

U played with my head, made me stupid, unable to memorize as much as other. Not as smart, as clever, as intelligent as other. So I'm left alone in Malaysia, in college without friends. What's next? Stomach? Liver? Kidney? Or my intestines?

I'm left all alone here, not moving forward. Learn helpless, self-handicapping, incompetence, what else u want from me? Ppl treated me differently since the start of my life. Till now it still happen. What u want?

You give it to me when i don't think about it, now when I think about it, you take it back. Are you playing with me? Or just play me?

Please, let me fall asleep. I need to sleep. I don't want to wake up and wasted half oft day. Time will never enough for me if this goes on.

I'm suffering, help me. I can't fall asleep.

残念

2010-07-16T20:29:00.003+08:00

这排头发开始长了，整个头都向外长，有点不受控制了。在来又把眼镜弄坏了，戴回旧眼镜，再看看镜子，真的有点像个傻佬。看看自己的样子，也许，这个样子令我觉得很丑。不知道该怎么形容吧。。

我，到底是怎么回事？今天她有说想念我，但她不能说爱我，因为怕我有些错误的想法。听了这句话后，我心里，没有伤心，但，却感到有些失望。其实，难道我又不知道，在她心里面，对我，一点爱意都没有了吗？可能，那些，爱朋友的爱吧。。或是这样说，在她心里，对我，已经没有了爱情的感觉吧。但，这个事实，我还是不能完全的接受。因为我还相信，有一天，她会对我说我们之间，是还有爱情的。

我说到这个，到底，是不是在骗自己呢？

有些话，我总爱藏在心中，不是因为不想知道结局，而是害怕结局不是自己想要的...

我总是爱把 “我想念你” 和 “我爱你”挂在嘴上，不是因为要讨好她而说，而是想要她时时刻刻都记得。。。她总是有人爱她，在想念她。她。。并不孤单。

有些话明知道不该说，却始终还是说了出口，因为想要知道故事会有怎样的变化....

有些话说得越多，错得越多，却始终还是把话给说完，因为现在不说，或许以后就没有机会再说了...

“想念你” 和 “我爱你” 的话说多了，就怕说多了意义就不在了，

这些话说少了，往往话中的意思与情感，就被忽略了，

还是那一句，因为现在不说，或许以后就没有机会再说了...

我爱说废话，但如果听得明白我的废话，就知道，那不是废话了。。。

今天做完家务了，就有点想念她，就打开了电脑，开了她的照片，看了一阵子，打从心里知道，一些答案，骗得人，骗不了自己。可以很肯定的，我还是很爱她。

虽然她的照片，来来去去就就只有那么两张，但，那都是我最喜欢的两张。有时生气了，真想把她delete掉。但我舍不得，因为一delete掉，就真的不会再回来了。

心里想她快回来度假，但我又不想见到她，因为我害怕见到你在我的眼前，我还是想牵牵你，抱抱你，亲你，

但。。。我已经没有资格了。

我很害怕出门，不是因为我孤僻，而是因为无论到哪里，

都有我们的回忆，我还是等你的MSN，而我一定会回你的短信，

在你需要人陪的时候出现，

因为没有你的我，一样是那么孤独的，

因为没有你的我，电话电脑都是很静的，

你是我的独家记忆，

一直都会在心底。

虽然不知道，我对你做的，对你，有没有意义。

Another emo writing

2010-07-14T12:05:00.002+08:00

2 more hours to the exam. I totally gave up on it. Fail then fail la. I dun care anymore.

Something is very not right inside me. there's something inside me that I can't let out or telling someone. It's been inside of me too long.

I think I really need to go for a counselor. My frustration already lead me to some self destruct behavior. I screamed too loud! Tho i have no voice available. Now my throat pain like hell. I keep punching on the wall when i tot of something real hurt. And yes, unfortunately, I even bang my head towards the wall. No, its not pain. What's more pain was in my heart. It was hurt. :( :( :(

It's tearing my heart into two. I might need to go to psychiatrist? No. I don't want medication. Haiz. Fuck u depression. Fuck you! You ruining my life. Please, I need to get up. There's not much time left for me. Haiz.

Who can help me. Failing the exam definitely not helping. Need to stay a year more ah then? Haiz...fuck u la hao wen. u stupid retard. Why dont u just die?

2010-07-14T10:17:00.002+08:00

I feel like will screwed up this paper. it's 10.30 am, Exam is at 2. And i haven't really got anything really stuck in my brain. I feel sad and I feel bad. Alot of stuff went through my mind. What if I on't do well in this semester?

I will be more lonely and isolating myself more. I need help. seriously, and I know no one can help me besides myself. But i'm not capable to help. Sux. It sux. I sux. I want to kill myself. seriously. I'm wasting my time, wasting people's time, wasting money. Why don't you just die?

Yes, i'm crying, and that doesn't make me feel any better. I'm just too stupid to live on earth. I feel bad about myself. Very very bad.

Mind is very messy now. Peoples don't want me. Parents don't want a son that have such a bad results. A friend don't want a friend that can't graduate. A girlfriend don't want a boyfriend that can't give them security in any perspective.

Man...i'm such a failure. I start to don't feel good about my future.

Fuck you.

理解与了解

2010-07-12T17:18:00.002+08:00

今天整天头脑都不是很清醒。可能昨晚太迟睡了。也因为肚子一直不舒服，整个人整个早上都扭来扭去，可以说是完全没有睡到。今天是初一，吃素天。昨晚不小心吃到辣椒，喉咙也失声了。也因为一些原因，发觉自己的理解与了解能力很差。

其实，真的有那么差吗？想着想着，自己也有些开始讨厌自己了。二十二岁，体弱多病。又头痛，又颈项痛，又忧郁，又喉咙痛，又肚子痛。“身” 与 “心” 都不健康。

我真的很讨厌我自己。很讨厌！

自信一路来都是我最大的本钱，流落到这个地步，一点自信都没有了。不是我面对太多的挫折，而是我的自信挫了又挫，别人的越挫越勇，我的越挫越弱。就为什么我不能再失败中站起来呢？

我觉得是一个忠实的粉丝，以打开面子书，就去看她的主业，一打开MSN,就不知不觉，自自然然的去寻找她的名字。头脑想着怎么去逗她开心，但最后，却被说不被了解。我没生气她，但我生气我自己；我没伤心，但我对我自己感到很失望。尤其是今天。

今天她去了个派对，相信她也很期待这个派对吧。也一定穿到美美去。而且刚看她的面子书也很开心。她开心就好了。希望在这次，她会遇到一个喜欢和能够疼她的一个人吧。因为我觉得，我已经不再是，也不再适合成为她的另一半了吧。

对自己很失望很失望，我完全不想说话了。完全不像见人，而且也没脸见人了。

一定又会被人说要做什么悲惨的英雄。我完全没有这个想法，我只想做有贡献的普通人。但如果有人坚持。那我也不加以狡辩了，既然没有人信我，没有必要在去解释了；既然没有人珍惜，我也不做太多的东西了；既然没有人听我的意见，或觉得我的话听不下去，我也只好收声吧。说太多也没用。

怪就怪我理解能力差，说话没有影响力，所以没人要听我的。

Breaking it

2010-07-12T05:40:00.003+08:00

Spain won the 2010 FIFA world cup!!! Woohoo!! Was damn gan jiong when in the extra time! Man...my heart was to jump out when the goal was scored. When torres was out, I was hoping some good happen. But still, thanks to his cross, that made Spain the winner!!! Yay!!

Of coz, with the winning of Spain, wc owe me a meal in jojo. He supported holland, mainly because his uncle is a Dutch.

I have final exam later. And I regretted that I didn practise enough, and not pushing myself hard enough.

Helped aunt fixed her comp for two days, enduring the super slow Internet connection ,challenging my patience for two days. After that she was able to chat on msn again. Then we chatted for quite long, she was complaining that she was bored over there. Uncle is throwing tantrum all the time. And she felt frustrated but no one to talk to.

And she complain that uncle start to hate noises. Tv or other. Just noises. Sometimes aunty wanted to complain, but for sure uncle don't want to hear, yet she feel like even uncle also don't want to talk to her. Just sign languages. Glad that I still can talk. Haha.

I'm suppose to sleep. But I can't, stomach seems like playing a fool with me. What I ate this time? Nothing wrong ma no? Everyone is eating the same thing, why they feel nothing? My stomach cramp I think. Not good.

When watching worldcup final, I get something to munch on, she did too. But seems like she was sad over that she is munching. And she said that I'll never understand how she feel. Maybe I don't, and I guess I did say something wrong. It's like... Again? Nevermind la. Guess I'll nvr say things right to her. If love is about timing, I think I'll always the lose one.

Firstly I got abit mad and sad. But, who am I to mad at her? I have no rights to do so. And I'm not qualified to do so. Ruder words, tak berlayak langsung. What I did will alwiz be like the code and steps to fixing webcam problem in msn. The enable figure. Haha. Learnt new things today. No one will _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. dela.

Only do lo, at home like that, work like that, and am not proud to be a handyman.

Am will not angry nor mad. Cz I have no rights to do so. Since my throat is going bad, I'll just shut up. Talk less. I dun want to say the wrong thing again. Say more wrong more. I'll just remain silent. Since my suggestion isn't accepted at any sides of the four. Then dun ask me. Ok?

I'll just remain totally silent. At least for this week. Patahkan those. :)

Mute Christopher

2010-07-08T22:32:00.003+08:00

Today is a hot day! Well, everyday is a hot day as well. I sleep at around 5a.m. today due to the oratopus (oracle octopus) said that Spain will win the game. Cool! And it is so accurate! Spain did won Germany. Haha. Next match, Spain Vs Netherlands! I support Spain all the way! Woohoo!! Then I wake up at 6 a.m. to fetch my sis to school.

I wake up with a bad mood. I'm not bad mood coz I didn't get enough sleep, I didn bad mood cz I have to wake up early. I wake up just plainly bad mood. I reach home at 7, and i wasn't able to sleep back. Cool.

I having difficulties to fall asleep nowadays. I usually start to fall asleep at 2am, and I always have to wake up at 6am. 4 hours of sleep a day last me through the whole day. Yes, I have difficulties to sleep. Yes, you hear me right. To sleep!

And I even found difficult to breath while sleep. Sleep apnoea is bothering me soooo much. 4 hours of sleep, wake up 2-3 times during the sleep. Cz I can't breathe. damn you! Sigh.

And i always wake up with a stupid mood, then noon mood stupid, then night also stupid. I Have no interest to do whatever I used to do, and I tend not to listen to whatever I want to. All thanks to my little heart and mind fulfill with the depression. Damn..How am I gonna survive?

Happy that my hair start growing, but again that stupid white line there empty empty de. :( But still la. Luckily it is growing. Haha.

Skyped with uncle today. Both of us sucks like hell in skype. Why? Both of us can;t talk. We typed, we gesture. Lolz. Uncle did a surgery to "expand" his throat all the way down to tummy. In order for him to eat. Cham.

And today mee told me about that her ex's sis found a mass? in her lungs. Not good lo like that. Tho I don't know her at all. Still, hoping the best for her. Maybe I'll include something for her in mee's ldr kit. Wish her get well soon.

Went to jog today, i add on a round from 1. :p Yes, two rounds in total. And i sweat superlot! Luckily, no whiteout today. But body was very tired while running. All was relying on my mind to finish the second round. But one thing that I don't really like is, too many cars. I guess I'll be very healthy if I live by breathing in CO2.

I used to fight for attention. Lolz. Sometimes I guess mee can't really tahan I talk tooo much in msn. Too bad hor mee, cz I can't talk in real life. Fuh~ Was wondering how long will i take to get my voice start again.

Sometimes I even get used to not talking. :(

People tot I'm mute. Hey! I'm not!

I want to talk. I miss mee. I want to tell her I miss her and I love her. Pls god. Let me speak.

Iphone 4g!

2010-06-24T19:46:00.003+08:00

Iphone 4g is finally released! Yay! for all the geeks that aiming for an Iphone. They are the happiest i think. But not me. I don't even think or willing to think of getting one. Saw people posted status on FB "Iphone 4!; Yay! Iphone 4.0!; Iphone 4 is out!"

Makes me jealous a little, but awhile then over liao. And I tot I can at least get some Iphone 3gs after iphone 4g is released. But hey, I love my phone still. It's like something that some people just can't get in their life. I think I gotta invest in other things other than technologies. And When Iphone 4 is released, the bad thing is..everyone is using it. It's like, you got I got. Nothing special. I'll be laughing if I'm the one produce Iphone. CEO of Apple. Lolz. bet Iphone 4gs will release sooner bah.

I love my Ipod touch still, I love my w305i, and i still love my W810i. Until I lost or the phone spoilt till I can't recognize'em. i won;t get a new phone. :) Surprisingly i noticed alot of rich people don't use a very good phone.

Sleep apnoea is still bothering me. And my heart pounds super duper fast when I'm sleeping. I started to hate sleep too. yet, I started to find that jokes are not funny. I started to find that there are alot of things waiting for me to complete.

Viewed amanda's profile on FB. Damn! She's so pretty. Short hair, and even long hair! Damn! Haha. Kah Lin is also looking for me these day. Was wondering why, people's value turned up when they are single? Lolz.

But I'll just remain single. :D Until I complete some goals.

My group members haven't send me anything yet. And I'm waiting. Where are your work? I even finish in my white room. You all?

And I'm still waiting. :) Patiently. Hope got good outcomes. :)

I love myself

2010-06-24T15:29:00.003+08:00

Finally! Home sweet home! After today discharge. I went back to the ward to thank the bunch of nurse that looked carefully over me. Scolded me kao-kaoly. On the way back, I saw a person and she pulled me into this room that showing a movie. It was a church thingy. But just watch a movie, no harm. That movie is very very new. Back home only i checked, It's just on screen! All the while I'm relying on the subtitle. The most word that appeared is "fuck". WTF.

So after that the sharing session went on. Cool! I write and write and write. They actually respected me by writing also.

Then this morning I sent a sms to mee to ask her about her address coz my phone spoilt and reformatted and I lost all contacts in it. But she didn't bother to reply me at all. Not anything else. Just an address. I didn't receive any SMS from her. Man..not even one sms at all.

And surprisingly I receive a sms from Amanda said that "I noticed you skipped alot of classes, you alright?" Haha. I tot she forgotten me!

After the sharing session, I just realized something.
1.) I'm nothing for her for now.
2.) She said she loved me..maybe it's like.."I love you..just like how I love..TV?"
3.) I'm actually not good enough for myself. Not for her.
4.) I owe myself too much.
5.) It hurt, but I still love her.
6.) House food is just sooo nice!!

I love myself.

Toad and the Swan

2010-06-24T00:38:00.002+08:00

Today I was able to eat, and I felt happy that finally doc agree to let me discharge tomorrow. I'll work my ass off to finish the freaking assignment. Group members won't really help at the end.

Sign in facebook. Saw that the latest result was 1-0. England won the match. And they are able to squeeze in the semi final. England was a kinda good in soccer country in my heart.

Too bad. I wasn't able to hear. I wasn't able t shout. What I can is rely on the internet sources to get me updated. Mee finally finish her exam. And finally i thought that she has some time for me to talk to after her final exam. I got lotsa stuff to tell! Yay!

But things wasn't go what I've expected. She was busy with other things. When the football match starts, I was hoping to chat with her. Hoping that she'll update me when anyone scored the goal. But no. It didn't happen. I waited and waited. Staring at the toolbar that her name will started to blink in blue. Until the end. Nothing happen.

She told me she'll sayang me today. I didn't expect any form of sayang. Just some time to chat with? At least, focus on our conversation for 15 minutes? I started to get frustrated over chatting msn. It makes me want to type more when i'm replying. After 7-8 lines I typed, after 15-30 minutes. Just 2 line replied. Sometimes it just strikes me hard.

She went to sleep. And I . Eyes widely open here. Not say that I can;t sleep then she cannot sleep also. Just...the environment is too quiet to sleep. At least the turning of the fan? At least the sound came out from the air-cond? Or at least some traffic outside to accompany me into the dreamland?

Mee's mood wasn't that good today. And the reason she told me was lonely. I don't know why she always be around in this topic. As if I wasn't lonely at all here. Like I got alot of friend partying in the ward with me. Or friends and parents was in the house everyday to talk to me. Heyo, our relationship isn't as good as other people see and think.

I was hurt by a sentence today. She told me that MSN actually won't help but make her more lonely. I was scolded how many times by the nurse because I have to stay in the ward instead of going down to the "computer pool" for msn. I have to bring my own laptop to online for msn and assignment so that she will able to every progress of mine to decrease her worry. But I think she doesn't see that way.

Fine. I'll cut down from msn start from tomorrow. She'll never take me as important as she said to me. Climbing up the career ladder was the prio. Not me. World cup should be the main thing to focus on instead of spending at least 15 mins chatting with me.

Suddenly I feel that I'm so naive and stupid to say that "I was waiting for sayang". Yet I feel embarrassed to merajuk towards her. Yet I still thinking of she'll really come back to teman me if my surgery was held next week. Fucking naive I am.

I really have to detach. Or else I'll hurt myself more. She don't really want me back at all. Tho she say that not for now, maybe in the future. She was on the top now. Coz I need her now, not the other way. She can be cool and be mature and be as professional as she can. Yes it was a hard decision to choose to leave me. But hey, It wasn't a decision for me to leave.

I'm not even in the list. Not even being consider to squeeze in the list. Why should I still think I can get into the list by msn and makes her fell more lonely? Teman her as much as i can. Shoot my bill up to 200+ when My bank account left 300+? And even she dun willing to sms me at least once a day? I know we aren't the previous status. Nevermind those.

Maybe I'm just a Toad that thinking swallowing the Swan.

Heavy Thoughts

2010-06-22T19:58:00.002+08:00

Finally I can go online! The wifi in the hosp was weak enough to get me connected. Today went for a training session. Feel happy at where I can actually finish the medium level of sudoku. :) Just that some brain parts shouldn't be active by doing some thing real heavy duty to the brain.

While I was walking back to my "room". A sudden strike in my head, makes me in deep pain in it. And I was gone. I can't remember what I was thinking when I was on my way back. I can't get to eat still today. And I can actually feel hungry. The liquid in my stomach is like some sort of Lava in the volcano. I don't know how to describe them.

When I was awake, I was thinking about mee. Then I went online, i didn't see her online. So i always go and check her blog 1st. Her blog was about a song. Some emo breakup song. Well, it perfectly describes what am I now in the lyrics.

I'm not sure whether did I interpret the lyrics wrong. But definitely not the same version in her mind. I don't like it, Especially it is dedicated to me. It's like telling me that "we are totally done, I'm with another guy now" Tho she denied. But the feeling was sux.

Woke up after 9 hours of re-sleep. and the person u think when u first woke up tell u this. Imagine. I didn't want her to tell me that " I miss you, I love you". Although I know it will happen in some rare situation. I just want something simple. At least ask me, "Hey, how are you today?"

And I guess she still suspected me not going for the surgery. It hurts.

I gotta be strong. The assignment is due this Friday. It came to a chance that I can score an A's or a B's. So that I can go over to Australia. I can't let it go now. I'm fighting for my own here. And seems like, My hard work wasn't supported. No affirmation. I was still looking for those.

Looked into a mirror, I doesn't look like me at all. Bald, dirty, In white shirt, weak, IV hanging on me, smelly, shaky hands, can't hear, can't speak, a broken heart, a broken brain. A person live in a failure world. Incompetence, helpless.

I'm trying to be strong, but I just can't stand alone. I'm gonna ask for discharge. I wanna go home.

I'm gonna finish my assignment without the useless group, I'm always doing things alone tho. I'm gonna study for finals. I'm gonna get a B for my finals. I'm gonna get overseas.

Quick thoughs.

2010-06-07T21:46:00.004+08:00

Today was tremendously tired. I didn sleep at all!! So what? It's kinda blur today at the first class. Then after that I talked with Amanda and mee(msn-ing). Found that she was really a cool girl. Haha. As in, a kinda bro geh girl. Lolz.

then after that was kenneth's class. She's like..complaining how kenneth with this teaching style. Then this evelyn also. -.-

Then after that I went out with jia ling to lowyat, she was kind enough to fetch me there. luckily I don;t have to take bus alone again. After getting the stuff that i want. We sat down and had dinner. We chat aloooooot!

She was telling me how bad was his current bf. Having another gal outside for 4 times. And they are still together? What? Then this guy ah..really annoying. Called her to checked on her every 30 mins. I was like, come on la. Give people a breathe.

Then suddenly something went thru my mind. I was like. I;m also like the guy, annoying mee. Then this jerk also told her gf a freaking bad brokeup excuse: "I want to try to paktoh with another girl. 2 years, and i'll be back to you". He was really a jerk.

Then this girl was like, after she worked, and back home, was like really tired and want to go to bed. The guy was really sad cz he think that they are lacking of communication. I was mad about this thing as well. Mee wanted to sleep. And it was alwiz the potong steam for me. Haha. And i finally came to realise. Mee need to sleep. Haha.

Then I told JL about how I breakup with mee.

She told me, as long as you got the heart, no matter how far apart u are. You always have each other support. I got the heart. but the sad thing about today is. Mee told me that i shoud give up on our rel. That was hurt. Really really hurt.

I dun want mee to so burden. So I'll let her move on. Maybe after 2 years, She'll want me back?

I'll let her date other guy. But i'll totally lock my heart away. :) I wont move on.

I'll lock my heart. And I'll try to detach from mee. If can. I'll do it totally. I'm just tooooo clingy.

I'll stop the med. :)

I'll take the knife.

I'll keep my blog as a tool to release. No one shall read these again.

A moment of peacefulness

2010-06-07T02:50:00.002+08:00

Today is one of the productive day! Wake up int the morning. Study...then sleep back..then study..sleep back...then study..sleep back..wait wait wait. Where am i?

Then I chat with lyn for quite some time. I promise her I'll continue my medication and love self. Then she promised me she'll be waiting for..wait..did she even promise anything? She don't want LDR. So she might wanted to stay single.

I realized Joanna's PM today. Tho is was in italian, And i can read it. Surprisingly. that sentence was ending with a ? and tonight it's ending with a ! I guess she is in love. Congrats to her.

Today she complained to me about chilli. Ms Cordiela, Cordella? Cordiella? Whatever. And seriously. I think she was neither pretty nor cute. Mee is waaaaaay more prettier and cuter than her. Meaty and aunty look is a perfect word for Ms C. Honestly, trust me. Tho my eyes was about to gone. But my eyesight wasn't thaaaat bad. Trust me, mee was the best girl ever.

Then the moment of depressing come again. Would mee get to resist the feeling leaving in a house that full of love poison? One side of me telling me that she will not get to resist to date someone. The other side of me..hope she can resist all and I'm able to be there on time. HAIH!!!

Most of the female friends of mine in college, all fall in love at overseas. Most of them, not all. All had a boyfriend in Malaysia. All dumped their boyfriend before and when they went overseas. And find another one there. Wow!

I just don't hope I'll be alvin or Cheng en. Cheng en was the best example that I don't want to be. I hope mee was different. I prayed everyday she'll be waiting for me. It's kinda selfish. No? But she meant alot to me. Aloooot.

Gonna wake up at 6 to catch a bus to attend the 8 am bus. Hell i'll skip it if i was in 3 years ago, so damn far, 8 am class, yet en102? SKIP! was my answer if i was him. I can't sleep now. There's a comp that kinda urgent waiting for me. I wanted to save up to fly to mee's grad. I want to save up to go to this trip with mee. I hope she'll want to go with me. I really hoping that. I have no job now. I have to pay for bills. I want to save up. I want to buy med. Hello! Be strong you chris!

Hope those hard time, might exchange mee back to be with me. Again, I prayed for it.

Tot will have to skype with mee today. End up don't have. So i gotta call her. Wasted rm6 for 6 missed call for no reason why i cant reach her phone. Finally! I get to reach her! Yay! But she was already sleeping la. Actually kinda potong steam geh lo. Susah payah call liao. Then she sleepy. Then she say these ah...

Aiya...ha.....ahh...ya...

??

It was a sentence! I tot she say I want to sleep liao. Then I oklo, shud go sleep liao. then she har? U didn listen what i say ah? -.-

Potong steam but cute! Suan la, at least i get to hear her voice. Knowing that she is able to sleep. I want to sleep!! Please! computer! Please work! it's 3.30am now!

Cz kinda potong steam. Then i was like..haiz. Then i wanted to send her a sms to say goodnite. But..i decided not to. She wont read it rite there. Or reply me.

Sometimes, I just hope that she'll send me a sms suddenly to tell me she miss me, love me? Good morning or goodnight. But...haha. Dun expect so much la. People wait for u. What u still want? People want to be remain like that now stupid! What i thinking in your mind? *slap head*

And I really hope mee will resist those lo. Haiz. Wait for me mee. I'm on my way. I don't want to be on my own. Wait for bee! Was wondering, why girls tend to want to be in a relationship if their friend was in one? As for me, i would not give a damn if all housemates was in love and i'm the one single. And it wouldn't affect me if i got someone that I love and waiting for me. Maybe..that's the explanation. Hmm..

I want to get a nice haircut, at least can try out a few that suits me, so that mee came back can impress her abit. Haha. Then we all go for a trip, then maybe she can and want to be back with you leh.

Fucking dreamer. Wake up and get back to work! Is it Possible?

How are you up there?

2010-06-06T03:44:00.002+08:00

Hoi!! I can't Shleeep! Something is distracting me from sleeping!

In order to distract myself from thinking alot. So I went online to the website that most people will visit everyday. FACEBOOK!

Because the crops can't be harvest yet, so I decided to browse some pictures of my friends to update myself on them. The more I browse, the deeper my thought went. Looking at people clubbing, face red red, i can actually smell the smell of wine and beers over the photo. Haha. Then wearing graduation robe. Taking photo happily with their friends and families. Crying coz they are happy. I am happy for them at one point, How i know? I was laughing and smilling at the photo.

But the more I see, I feel irritated by those photos. Because these sentences came out from my head.

1. When will my graduation be?
2 -3 years from now? Hey, people are already persuing their masters man! Stupid people are in the working force! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHAT THE HELL YOU WANT ACTUALLY? WHY ARE YOU NOT MOVING FORWARD?

2. Will anyone come for my graduation?
Parents don't come for my grad day actually. I won my computer prize when I was in standard 1, I won the 3rd place in my story telling competition at standard 2 and 3, I won so many sports in my school time, basketball, football, running, what ah..lompat pagar. Haha. My F5 grad. Friends' parent are clapping hand, take photos of their proud son. I was always the one go home last on the report card day. Why? Coz my parents are not coming. I told my teacher. Why? Then i make some crap out of my brain to let go myself from getting ask alot. "Hey boy, you are my son's best friend in school, your parents must be proud of you, i would like to meet your parents. where are they? ". "They are busy auntie"

If I go australia or US, sure no need to expect liao. But, wait till i got the chance to graduate sin la. Count back, 1 years from now, 2 years masters. i would be an old folks, graduate at the age of 25. Fuck you! And if you manage to grad.

I'm soooo angry with myself, If i was another guy now, I feel like murdering myself, or hit myself to dead. Haiz.

Is there anyone can tell me, am i doing the right thing? Am i on the right track? Hello?? Anyone?

Even my gf dumped me because I'm waaaay behind, I'm not on the right track, I can't secure, I'm Fucking kayu. I'm Fucking retarded!

Why I have to do things the hard way?
My fucking body is playing funny with me, I suppose to sleep to live. But Why am I not sleeping now? I went thru a very very hard time to forget your death Michelle. I learn not to trust, I learn not to have emotions. I learn to be cool, I learn to be blunt. All I did is just to forget you. And I did, taking all 5 years to do so.

Until I meet this girl Lynette, she is a nice girl, a very very nice girl. She was special, very very special girl. Being around her, I was the happiest guy from my POV. People see us argue alot, but still, I'm happily sticking with her. She can study, she can cook, not like you mich. Haha. But the most important, she was very true, I was true when I was with her. I don't have to wear a mask while I'm infront of her. I tell her my true feelings, my bits and bits.

But she's not perfect, she got emo alot. Haha. For some strange reason, she's like sharing a same mood with me. When she emo, I am too. I feel sad when she feel sad too. Even I don't know that she was sad. When she emo, I was desperately wanted to be beside her. Just that I was limited by alot of stuff. Why I always have something going on when I'm going to do what I wanted? And can't being beside her when she emo is freaking frustrated. And now after 3 years, I was dumped. Haha.

I would tell her how much I love her if time can turn back when she is in Malaysia. Can you turn back the time for me mich? Are you hearing me from above mich? I'm sad here. Being down here was suffering. Is there a possible that you can come down and bring me up there? I really feel like dying now. Izzit if I stop on my medication, everything will be alright? You'll bring me up? Why would you create this kind of feelings for me? Why you left me without bringing me along?

Why would I so afraid to losing someone important? YOU MICH! Look what you did?
Lyn is leaving me, and even my uncle is going to. I can't help my uncle to cure his cancer, I prayed for everyone. I even copy the sutra for everyone. But why don't I get a little reward from those? Even A little?

I had dinner with uncle today, he went to park his car, and I stand outside to wait for him, after awhile, I was so afraid that he wont come. Then I saw him walking from far. Is that my uncle? Is that him? bald, face full of red dots, skull-look-alike face, walking with hunching his back slightly, dragging his feet to the restaurant hard. He even can't finish a bowl of rice, saying that it was too pain to swallow. He is a talkative person, but now I can't barely hear his voice. Other than coughing hard. He used to joke, but now, seeing him smile is rare. He was the one who gave me Rm10 for an A in my UPSR, PMR and SPM. Making me proud infront of my friend cz my uncle is a manager in MBM. Rushing back for the interview. How can i accept that he is going to leave me soon? He is the one who tell me "HAH, a psychologist nephew, that's gonna make our family proud" I WANT! I WANT to make my family proud, and i want my family proud of me. But I'm not on the track. What can I do?

Everything is telling me too late to do so. Why just can't I switch with him? Why I refuse to go out with him when he tag me along to somewhere? And even I tag him to go to anywhere alone, I don't think he can. Everything was too late. Alot of stuff is telling me too late mich. My uncle was one, Lyn is saying I'm too late too.

Today I was okay with her. msn as usual. But she showed me in webcam today. Honestly, she was still as pretty as the first time I saw her in college. Still special as she did. Every movement of her was pretty for me. I was in love with her. After the breakup, only I know how to cherish her. Not like I don't cherish her while we are together, just that I don't really show. Nowadays, I was longing for her to tell me she miss me and she love me. Last time when she say it, I feel very happy. At least at the moment I wake up, I know that there's at least someone miss me, and at least someone love me. But now, those words are hardly to be hear anymore. Those words make my day all the time. Since we are together. Not much people know what I had went thru. And I'm not telling anybody. I'll bring it to my coffin. Haha.

I was so annoyed by myself for pressuring lyn. She's having enough stress for her studies. Why on earth that I'm still giving pressure to her? Since I said that I love her? And today I saw something toxic. Haha. It bothers me alot, then I asked lyn about that, then she's like, why must you get into this? Cz I'm afraid. Cz she wants to be single, and is being poisoned. I'm single. And I'm poisoned too. And I can't move on to another rel. Honestly.

I'll try to earn her kisses and words. Haha. Have to earn liao now. Such a word.

You left me mich...and my uncle is leaving me soon. And lyn might also too. You teach me stay strong. You and mummy teach me not to cry. But I am now. Useless hor?

Since lyn is suffocated by those. I'll never talk about those anymore. I love her. I'll try to leave her more space. Time will wash out guilt real fast. :) I'm just a burden la. I think I'll probably not getting what i want. I heard that smoking can release stress, can I smoke, mich? I'm sure you won't agree, but can i? Haha.

And just sometimes, I'm too emotions. Too controlled by emotions. I just want to do something I like, I;m I;m restraint by those..responsibility.

I think I'll close down this blog. Continue "blogging" in a book. At least one day, I can burn to you ma. Haha.

I'll stop all the nonsense that got bone inside the words, that suffocates people, hurt people. I'm stopping my medications. It's affecting me alot, it depresses me. And I hate it. And i'll leave it to God. And you mich. :)

Since everyone is leaving. Why I care? Right mich? Bless me from above.

回忆

2010-06-02T20:40:00.004+08:00

昨天爸爸睡了弟弟的床，弟弟又睡了我的床，那我又没有床睡，就只好挨一挨，在沙发睡了一夜。4点睡，6点起。睡得不是很好。所以在下午，睡了一个午觉。

总觉得，上天好像不怎么喜欢我。总喜欢剥夺我的东西。就连睡个午觉，也得来个“噩梦缠身”。在梦里面，又是给人追。唉！
结果这个午觉，越睡越累。

今天要在日历上写上一些笔记。看到了这个。

当时心里一阵心酸。于是就拿起了电话，告诉她说 “我爱你”。其实我不知道那三个字在她心目中，到底有多重要。以前每次和她说这三个字，她都没什么反应，觉得这三个字，对她已经起不了什么作用。现在更不用说了。

有时也觉得自己已经越来越情绪化。大大小小什么事情都想哭一遍才甘愿。看到了那些字，就翻开了抽屉，那出所有她写给我的信。

读完了，眼泪都大量留在眼眶。我什么都不去想，就只想紧紧得抱着她。亲口告诉她 “我爱你”。我不知道这对她还有没有用。但我每次告诉她时，都是我心里的话。And I　ｍｅａｎ　ｉｔ．

所有她送给我的东西，我一样都没有丢。虽然有些已经不适合用了，但我都不舍得丢。就连去年的ｐｌａｎｎｅｒ，我也有！
看着他送给我的日历，２５号。如果没搞到这样，我可还有机会和她说。　“Ｈａｐｐｙ　３　ｙｅａｒｓ　ａｎｄ　７　ｍｏｎｔｈｓ　ｍｏｎｔｉｖｅｒｓａｒｙ〃。　就知道自己记性不好，又想讨好她，一拿到日历就把每个２５号都写上多少年多少月的纪念日。上个月都很想告诉她。但。。。

和上一个女朋友分手时，一点也没伤心过，可以说是　ｔｈｅ　ｒｅｌａｔｉｏｎｓｈｉｐ　ｉｓ　ｎｏｔ　ｗｏｒｔｈ　ｔｏ　ｈｏｌｄ　ｏｎ．但这一次不同，这个ｐｅｒｆｅｃｔｉｏｎｉｓｔ，对我来说太重要了。我不知道该怎么解释，但我就是很爱她。非常非常的爱她。甚至我已经把整个心都交了给她。和她在一起的感觉很不同，虽然有时吵吵闹闹，但我还是很开心。和她一起出去玩，新加玻的ＵＳＳ，还有很多。
每一次都很开心。和她分开的感觉很不好受。但的却，我真的很爱她。

爸爸接到叔叔的来电，叔叔因为肺积太多的水而呼吸不到。很可怜他，但又爱莫能助。别有事啊，我们全都会为你加油的！一定要撑下去！

一物换一物

2010-05-30T20:03:00.003+08:00

今天头感到无名的痛。干什么啊？很怕又好像那一天哪样，一阵刺痛，然后眼前一白。什么都看不到了。只能坐在床上，电话响，虽知道电话放在哪里，但又不敢走过去拿。这些实事，有些难以面对。眼睛是我身体部分之中，最引以为傲的部分。不是因为它很美，很吸引人；它又小，单眼皮，深深的黑眼圈，但我还是很爱惜它，因为它能帮助我看清楚很多很多的事情，看穿人性丑恶，看穿未来，提升我的判断能力。但如果真的要我失去双眼。我真的是不能接受吧。

今天去了跑步，回来又举哑铃，这次从4kg提升到7kg,像平时那样共举了60下，手一点力都没有，脱衣，吃饭，就连现在打字手也软软的。

今天，算是有和她谈到的一天，但可恶的是，好像不能顺利的谈超过一分钟咧。我也明白，她总不能把时间通通给我，但我也没有说要全部的时间啊。也已经告诉她了，但也没什么进步。就只好在这儿发泄发泄一下咯。

今天在facebook读到了一句话：“Don't put the person as priority when you are just their option"。觉得满有意思的。所以就share在msn上。没想到却遭来一顿，吵架？也不能说是吵架吧。毕竟身份不同了。

其实啊，我一直都把她放在priority list上的。以前是，现在也是，以后也是。虽然想她也把我放在她的名单上。但，好像不太怎么可能了吧。哈哈。我问她我是不是option，觉得很开心，因为她说不是。也因此，心情也好起来了。

和她谈到一半，她说心很乱，虽然很想知道，但我也没又去加以追问，问一问，问题又会来了的。
想关心她，但又不能问。觉得难题越来越难了。有很多事情想问清楚的。但又不是能够问的。怎么办？

总觉得本身的一些权利被剥落的感觉，有点受到不公平的对待。但这些，总不能在面前说的吧。说了，又说要给我自己走了。好像一直被 “分手” 的感觉牵着鼻子走。伤害了她，就说我没机会了。吃醋太多，会令她辛苦，然后又没机会了，问的问题太多，也会令她辛苦，然后我又没机会了。关心太多，也令她辛苦过，又说应该让我一个人走。

心里还有很多我很想知道的答案。怎么办？好奇心一路来都是我最强的东西耶。

害怕到这样，真的一点都不像我。那种心里被弄得团团转的感觉，不好受。也有点不习惯。什么时候才会停止呢？
但想了想，我很努力的为“我们”的未来，希望她也是，正在努力的拉近我们的距离。想到这里，心里也不觉得孤单。反而有些甜。但她是不是正在努力的拉近我们的距离呢？我人没什么要求的吧，只是希望她把我，也放在一个稍微比较重要的地位罢了，一个，可以看到的角落。

身体有点不舒服，头也痛起来了，在这个时候，话都不想说了，有时候，真的有点想放弃的感觉。说到放弃，叔叔也放弃了治疗，命也拖不到多久了，昨天回前给了他一个拥抱，他的身体很热，脸上也有很多红点，看到了他，心里也酸起来了，一个没有人样的他，最多6个月。看到他，蛮可怜的，想到这里，眼泪都控制不住了。他每次都告诉我，勤力读书。虽然有时嫌他烦，但，他也不能说多少次了。他还送我一支笔。这支笔，我一定会好好保管的。谢了。我一定会记住你说的话。

这么哭了一哭，眼睛也蒙起来了。如果老天爷可以让我一双眼睛换回他的生命，我换！如果老天爷让我用一双眼睛换回她，我也心甘情愿的换！

但，没有了眼睛，要人照顾。如果换回了她，她，　还会要一个比以前难照顾的我吗？　应该不会吧。
写了这么长，看看自己的健康水平，也好不到哪里去吧。病到七彩，还会有人要你吗？

把悲伤留给自己！

2010-05-27T02:24:00.002+08:00

无可否认今天真是衰到贴地。早上要起床时下起倾盆大雨。最好睡的时候既然要起身？开什么玩笑？接着当然要去做工咯！
来了几个auditor，又见到那个讨人厌的accountant。真是见到她都衰足一整天。

本来又可以早走，又要等人。拖到6点。赶死赶命载妹妹，又赶死赶命赶去KL Sentral. 盼望伟聪可以早点载我去到Low Yat买要买的东西。可是他又把锁匙反锁在车。等他爸爸那后备锁匙来时，得走一大段路去车，等到他爸爸来时，又我得一个人走一大段路去和他爸爸拿锁匙，然后又一大段路回车，在马路上摔了一跤，擦伤了手掌。该死的！

开了车门，又赶去买东西。去到时，已经关门了，死求那个Jaga才让我进去，进去了，又卖完了。开什么玩笑？
回到来，又没饭吃。肚子饿死了，下午完全没吃啊！

电脑又还没弄好，可是我很想睡觉！明天还要早起啊！

今天有和她谈电话，话说我很好，但不是的。

看来，从今天开时，我得放开胸怀接受很多东西，

1.我得接受一个即将要辍学的弟弟。
2.我得接受一个即将死亡的叔叔。
3.我得接受我不是一个和她一拍既合的人。
4.我得接受这世界是个很不公平的东西。
5.我得接受我是在一个后备的名单里。
6.我得接受她想要单身。
7.我得接受我是一个大醋瓶。
8.我得接受我是一个会早死的人。
9.我得接受我完全不能接受这些东西的心态。

有些东西，不知道该不该说。

我的自信心已经开始弱下来了。
和她谈话，一切都太正经了。反而缺少了一些无聊的感觉。

她今天告诉我，要相信她。如果她以后不会回到我身边，那么一开始她就不值得我去爱。我想信这番话，是要安慰我的，可是我却担心起来，要是她认识了别的人而不再回到我身边，那么一开始我就不应该爱她。那又怎样？如过真的发生了，就告诉我你不值得我爱？就这样把我放下吗？

我说我正在努力存钱去看她的毕业典礼，但是别说我已经和谁谁在一起了，不然我会买机票回家。
她说如果有她会先告诉我别买票来。哈哈。不知道为什么，听了这一句话，我既然一点也笑不出来。
谁能告诉我，我为什么会有这么一种这样害怕的感觉？

原来，分手的打击，是这么庞大的。自从分手过后，整个人都没有了安全感。也没想到整个人都弱下来了。到现在，我都还不能忘记那天她说的话。整个人都很怕。因为我还没能放开。

以前和她在一起时，她和什么人做朋友，我都很放心。但这一次不同。朋友分手了，劝人就劝的多，原来当自己体会到时，就仿佛变了另一个人了。

当她说和那个人不可能时，心里有一种喜悦。但她说不代表我会和你在一起啊！听了这一句，整个人心情都没了。她说她现在只想单身，而且很陶醉在被人疼爱的感觉。很高兴她有很多人疼爱，朋友通通围在一起。但我没有许多朋友，但能坐下来谈的，一个都没有。她有两个一谈既合的朋友。我一个都没有。不要问我为什么，我自己也答不到自己。连话都不想说了，想把电话挂掉就算了。

有时我很羡慕她拥有的东西，头脑，朋友。头脑没有，有都是病的，朋友我有，真心的有几个?
我想我明白为什么我接受不了我不是一拍既合的人，因为我以为她就是。哈哈。

真的说不出心里的那一种伤悲。之前她很开心，因为那男子做了我没做到的东西。现在想起来，不是我没做到，而是我做错了步骤。一开始，我就给了她我的全部，我的内心，我的思想，我的感觉，我的私人思想，我的一个没人去过的地方。因为他的到来，使躲在暗处的我结交了一位好朋友。但好朋友回到了亮处，可我，却想要出去，但又怕光照在我的身上。

她告诉我她很烦，因为我这边拉她一把，那个男的又拉她一把。我真的不想让她为我这些无聊的人烦。

发觉自己已经陷入了一个很深的伤害的地步。已经不能自拔的地步。甚至已经放不开，也有些开始想不开。唉！

自信已经动摇了，想必这样下去，我对她的魅力也完全没了。因为感觉已经不同了。

觉得自己很孤独，受伤时，她有人疼爱，但我，就只有她。

我也不想让她为我而烦，因为我自己觉得不值得她为我而烦。要她花时间在我身上，更不值得，而也没时间可以花。想要她追回，更不可能。不是我不相信她，而是我不相信我自己。而分手后，我开始不相信任何人了。朋友，好朋友，我也变的不相信了。

我想，我只可以慢慢接受，并慢慢放开。回到自己原本躲在的暗处，把心关上。

再也没有人，

可以探触我狭窄的内心。

再也没有人，

看的见我的另一面。

忧郁又发作了，唉！心要还须心药医。心药，你在哪啊？
看来要把部落格关掉了。写太多，等下又影响她的情绪。
我喜欢她，我希望她快乐。

她快乐，我快乐，至于悲伤，我一个人扛，又如何呢？

请找回自信！

2010-05-25T23:23:00.004+08:00

慢慢来，别急。别急，慢慢来。

哈哈，连我都觉得我烦！一方面的我，就不知道为何那么紧张，那么没耐心。一直在道歉。一点都不像平时的我。
另一方面的我，看着自己这样，觉得自己什么仪态都没了，把 “大男人” 心态放下。人方为刀俎，我为肥肉。哈哈，因为鱼肉已经不能形容我了。

浩文，你烦不烦啊？你不烦，别人也烦！

其实没有啦。慢功出细火。这个道理我明白。但，东西一点也没熟，也好像没有熟的现象。怎么办？

现在问题一箩箩。

面对将要辍学的弟弟，我该怎么做？

面对功课的压力，我又该怎么做？

面对即将来临的死讯，我可以做些什么？

虽然说回到轨道上了，但前路还是令我有些担心，对于我的前途，我又该如何是好呢?

我一定要坚强！浩文，你可以的！

记得，你是打不死的一条龙！你可以失败，但你一定不可以选择放弃。

请你找回自信！你自己也应该知道，你的能力不只是到这边。对吗?

男人，可以流血，但不可以流泪。

士可杀，不可辱！

加油！

On my own!

2010-05-25T19:30:00.002+08:00

On my own...pretending she's beside me,
All alone, I talk with her till morning,
Without her, I feel her arms around me,
And when I lose my way, I close my eye and she has found me.

In the rain,
The pavement shines like silver,
All the light, are misty in the river,
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight,
And All i see is she and me forever and forever.

And I know, it's only in my mind,
That I'm talking to myself and not to her,
and although i know she is busy
Still I say there's a way for us.

I love her,
But when the sleepiness is striking,
she's sleeping,
Computer just computer,
without her, the world around me changes,
the trees are bare and college are full of strangers.

I love her,
But everyday I'm learning,
All my life I've only be there waiting,
without me, her world will go on turning,
A world that full of happiness that I will never know!!!!

Cool! This song titled "On My Own" from Les Miserable will never fail to touch my heart everytime i hear it. Maybe it suite me and my situation from time to time. Tho I edited the lyrics a little bit. Lolz.

Today uncle's final report is out. Negative. Really very negative. After all the burning med and chemotherapy. Doctor told him, longest is 6 months. Haiz.

Then my brother say want to stop studying now. As in, what? form 2 also havent finish. Haiz haiz.

I wish to tell someone. But dun think have the time for me to do so?

Today went meeting with my group member. Totally pointless. can expect that i'll be the one who have to swallow all the ON MY OWN!

En102 due this Thu, Py205 due next Mon.

And I'm here, waiting someone will say hello! to me.

Sacrificed yum cha session, movie session, even dinner to chat. But all the while is waiting.......only. Skype internet sux like hell, call keep dropping.

Argh!!!

Moody also on my own, happy also on my own, breakfast on my own, lunch on my own. How can i don't fall in love with this song "on my own"?

Met this sunshine girl somewhere at the stairs, and trying to pull her in my group. And I know her name is Amanda Low. She's so cool, coll as in, tomboy-ish. Zuo han got a close friend named Amanda Low as well. their common place is, both of them are tomboy-ish. Haha. Was wondering is all Amanda Low also tomboy-wannabe. Or they are a tomboy?

Today, def I'll go to pasar malam! I'm done with sticking ma face at the comp. cz later i'll be sticking ma face as well.

Fb first b4 msn. Why? Haha.

"Everyday is so wonderful....suddenly..it's hard to breathe..."

累累累

2010-05-24T20:39:00.002+08:00

今天特别累，一样去跑了两圈。但身体比平常的累。不知道为什么。头又痛，心又痛，手又痛，脚又割伤。

很想睡觉，但又有东西做。房间冷气坏了，又热，但又得乖乖呆在房间用电脑查资料。

她好像病了，真为她担心。但，我又能做些什么呢？真想她。

打了，呆了很久才回。有点不习惯，有点不耐烦。

吵到要死。烦死了！烦死了！谁能听我说？

心情很不好。　：（

没有工作的一天

2010-05-21T16:37:00.002+08:00

今天开心~！因为公司有人来修理电，公司没电来，所以不用去工作。今天没什么和她谈到，想必晚上也没什么时间谈了。她晚上工作回来就很迟了，毕竟她也需要休息嘛。　

昨天也很开心，因为告别了读书的日子大半年了，现在又从回读书的日子。心里很想念那段日子。可是，看一看左右坐在一起的同学们，每个人都是生的脸孔，想起以往的一班朋友，一坐下来就有说有笑。

存钱计划开始了！少喝茶，少看戏，少出街。能省则省。完全剥夺了娱乐,希望可以存一笔钱过去探望她。：）

心里不知不觉得又想起她了。到底现在的她，又在做些什么呢？想念她了。她，又有没有想念我呢？

原本想好今天要做的事，却被一通突如其来的电话给打乱了。一些关于弟弟的事，听了以后，很老实说，我对他，很是失望，在别人面前，我保他保到出脸，我也一直坚持相信他是不会这么坏的。可是你一次又一次的令我失望。没有下一次了。

爸妈知道后，也说我，为什么没把弟弟教好？哇!我也有一大堆东西做咧.

突然觉得有点烦。虽然想告诉她，并询问意见。不过想了又想，还是别烦人好。

昨天她告诉我，那个男的还不放弃。甚至还拥抱她，还想亲她！开什么玩笑啊？拥抱我可以接受，亲？嘴我都打扁你的！
她告诉我将会告诉他说：“要嘛就当朋友好了，如果还是乱来，连朋友都没了”。也希望她会说。因为那个男的约她星期六出去。不是说我不喜欢她跟那个男的出去（其实是有的啦，吃醋总可以吧），但那个男的，似乎“醉翁之意不在酒”。

一点也不是真心要和别人交朋友，还说什么喜欢她。喜欢人就可以乱来？别告诉我说什么太过喜欢，控制不了。废话！咱俩都是男的，你想什么我会不知道？希望她不会吃亏给他。担心死了。

要保护自己，别吃亏给那个男的。那，星期六，还会和他出去吗？

我不敢想。心里一团糟。希望她会做出一个好的决定。她一定会的。我相信她。

又得吃药了，可以不吃吗？

English!

2010-05-19T09:44:00.002+08:00

I've got to speak English more. I will start writing in English more. It's not like I want to show off that I can speak English. But I want to improve my English level.

My stomach was in a kind of weird feelings everyday I wake up in the morning. Gastric?
My head was in pain every morning when I get of my bed. What that means?

Kickstart my morning with 2 slices of bread, guess I'll eat the remaining two in the afternoon. And Guess I won't gonna have dinner tonight. I have no appetite at all.

I miss her so much. So i Sent a sms to her. Was wondering will she miss me too?

Usually I like to ask her "What are you doing?, where are you?" Someone might think I'm checking on her. No! Just that I miss her, I wanted to talk to her. But I'm afraid that she is busy and I disturbed her. But I can't stop missing her. How?

She always complain that she is fat. Haha. But hey, no you are not my dear. You will always be the prettiest for me. :)

Someone told me before. Hey! Why you always need opinion for her? You are a guy,stop relying on her so much. But no, I ask her because I respect her decision,I put her on the first. Get what I mean dude?

Sometimes Being so negative doesn't make anything better. Right?

I won't ask alot. I won't sad alot. Eventho I'm sad. Lolz.

Keeping the smiling face is important. Give people the best memory of you.

I guess I know what to do next. :D

I miss you, was wondering did you miss me too?
I love you, did you?

奇迹，有吗？

2010-05-18T21:04:00.002+08:00

昨天很晚睡，今天一早就爬起身，as in, 早，是5.30am。载了妹妹去上课，回到来。想要睡回去，但就只得45分钟。睡什么呢？于是就索性起身，吃早餐去！

今天，算是忙的一天。去学校，去拿货‘送货‘安装‘到收钱。然后又去送货，还被一场非常大的雨淋湿了。过后又载妹妹补习，载弟弟放学，载妹妹放学。可以说是大部分时间，都在车里。

头又开始有点痛了。天啊！千万别生病。我已经洗湿了头，不能再扭宁了。是在一个 “得空死不得空病” 的状态。千万别生病啦。

视线好像又变的模糊了，尤其是晚上，驾车看路非常辛苦。有几次还差点儿发生意外，我已经很努力避免在晚上驾车了。

今天回到家，心里想起了她。于是就打电话给她。谈了几句，疲倦的心情也恢复了许多。

但，有一些事情，令我醋意大发.哈哈。

但是，吃醋也没用。总觉得吃醋也改变不了什么，只是自己在惩罚自己。

但一想到可能是自己的重要的人有可能被夺走。心里就在哪儿摇晃。小时候玩具，零时都被人抢得太多了。但家人就说算了算了。

她说了给我机会。老实说，我的前路，我的力量，我的自信心，就只凭这句话开始建立。有时我觉得，我会不会问她太多问题了呢？又怕问到她不耐烦，然后开始对我反感。

其实，我只是要一些实在一些的感觉而已。或者，要一些比较肯定的。。。承诺？或是。。。想要得到她的肯定。

因为我，就权拿着这句话，跑到终点为止，其他什么都不管。虽然知道，信念要很强，但我相信我可以的。

但，当话的意思有一点改变，或有动摇时，我的信念就有些开始动摇。就对这种实在，但又不实在的感觉，没有安全感。想必，她以前就是在我身上体会到这样的感觉吗?但，为什么我没有体会到？可是，我很肯定，那时候的我，对她决对是一心一意的。

我开始紧张她，可能也有些太过紧张，这样一来，又怕令她反感。天哪！我到底该怎么做才对呢? 我不能不紧张，可能失去她对我来说打击太太太太大了。我脸上可能没有写着，可是心里却是！

得而复失后，我也不想再失去她了。严格来说，我还没算得回她。因为她说她现在想单身。我也不知道该如何是好。唯有努力向前走。手拿着她的那一句话走到终点咯。

我想以往那样怕弄到她生气还是伤心。她伤心时我伤心，俩的心情，就好像是连在一起。甚至我还以为很可爱很得意的创造我的 USIS 的理论。但，一些已证实的事情，有时很难改变。

她还会怕弄到我生气吗？
她还会因为我伤心而不开心吗？

事实，往往如此这样残酷。

我，还是以往如此，呆头呆脑的，做着我的 USIS，坚持我的 USIS.
她，是否也如此？坚持着呢？

想着向着以前甜蜜的时光，心也跟着笑起来了；再看看现在，事情，已经改变了。

我好像得不到她的肯定。心里酸一酸。眼泪也情不自禁的跑了出来，没了一个依靠，人也变得爱哭起来了。
这些泪，又有谁能明白？有谁能看穿? 但我不能哭，妈妈说男子汉不能哭。流血不流泪。已经没人能够让你在她的面前卸下你的面具了。

想着想着，又想哭了。我觉得，忧郁症，你害我不浅了。

说着，头又开始痛起来了。总觉得头里，又另外一颗心脏在跳着。痛！看来书没读完，就得去看医生和心理医生了。

我没要求太多，只是要你的肯定吧了。
我不能一直说：“让我们从新爱上对方吧”。因为现在的你想单身。但我不太想。
只是，我想有一份安全感，好让我觉得安全的打开面具，呼吸真正的空气，好让我能吐出所有不快乐。

但是，这些都不能说出口。毕竟是我的错，我还有什么权利和别人谈条件？还要求多多？

只是觉得，自己很烦人。开始有点讨厌自己了。死了算吧。没人会伤心的。说多没用。改变不了事实。
世界上是没有奇迹的。

苦口良药

2010-05-17T19:06:00.002+08:00

我在电脑前面。一直瞪着MSN，希望她会上网。虽然知道她在做什么。但我还是在这等。会不会说是很傻呢？原来等，是那么的辛苦和无奈。她，以前，又是不是像我那样等我上网呢？想着想着，总觉得对不起她。

昨晚和她在网上skype. 在视讯中看见得她，很美。她变瘦了，是因为功课压力太大了吗？还是因为工作压力？还是全部掺在一起呢？昨天是在今年第一次看见她，和她谈着谈着，心里浮现出一种莫名其妙的感觉。这种感觉说出来，会给人笑，但都是实话。

看见她的脸，心里有一股冲动想飞过去，叫她嫁给我。哈哈。说起来，不知道为何有这股冲动。但，我觉得，她就是我想找的人，一个。。每个人都在寻找着的另一半。

虽然不知道她赞不赞成我的想法，也怕只是一厢情愿。不过，我俩的生活目的都是一样的。现在的我，很想很想陪在她的身边。我是指，真的在她身边。她给我最后一次机会。我绝对不会再浪费掉。

今天有一件令我很开心的事，也有一些令我很想发问很多的事。但，她不愿意告诉我，我也只我不加追问了。虽然很想知道。八公心态。哈哈。

如果这次做得好，说不定以后有更多的生意被介绍给我。哈哈。

但这次做得好，就可以有钱去探望她啦！求婚也不错。　哈哈

但，先要吃药。　不吃药。什么也不用说。

但药很苦！

2010-05-14T23:57:00.002+08:00

I think I start to rely on this blog. Which no one I can really speak to regarding my problems. I was amazed by my own mood that can climb up high and low very fast and as often. I think....I start to understand something le bah. Today wc ask me to go for tea. I said no. Why? Cz I'm waiting someone to on9.

Mandy has a project for me. I say no. I'm out of those. Then she told me : I'm sure u will be spark up by the content and the mission. So she came and look for me. After I saw it. Only one word I can describe. COOL!! Then she did try to influence me to accept it as only I am capable to do so. Wow! Only I am capable. I was I was capable in other stuff but not this.

I went out with her after mee went to sleep. Surely I wasn't that good in hiding my sad face. She is a clever one. Then I told her my whole story. And the first thing when she do to me is a freaking hell slap on ma'face. It hurts. But...any pain wouldn't have deeper than the wound in my heart. Tears blows out immediately. Obviously, I haven't get over this breakup. it still hurt so much. But why? Why would those words so hurt to me? Or, is it I'm the one thinking too much?

Mee told me, that the china dude said she is intelligent but foolish. Foolish enuf to stay with me for 3 years. What a nice word. Mee gave me some conditions. I was like..why wouldn't someone can fight at least something for me? Or just..she agreed with the guy that it's a foolish to stay 3 yrs with me? Or she did regretted to stayed 3 years with me? I dun regret at all. Whether u like to say me asshole or foolish. Yes. I admit.

Mee told me what I didn do and I can have done that when she is still in Malaysia. It's like, I have no reasons to fight back. Cz it's a fact. It's
like my result too..u can point it and say I'm sux in study. What can I do? Admit all eventho I have reasons.
I told Mandy that yes, I'm going to win her back. No matter how. She told me hey, u foolish! Haha. I laugh, but yes. I admit it, but why u say
me like this? Obviously she said, obviously now is I need her more than she needs me. She can choose a guy rite after our breakup. But u can't!! And the guy is near her more than I do. He is even nearer even when he offers me 200km.
I started to worry. I'm scared once I hear those. :(:(:(

Why would she quote what the guy said instead of something bout us??
Suddenly...I felt that our 3 years is ntg to mee. And it makes me think that she appreciate him more than me. He did what I didn. And all of sudden I felt that I'm a loser. I dun like the feeling. Can't just I have some confirmation of my status now. Even it makes me wonder, am I doing the right thing? Did she still love me? She like the guy more or me? Is our 3 years ntg to u? Who can tell me? Ahhh!!!!

All of sudden, Mandy told me. U want to win her back? Accept this, for sure. she's urs.

I replied: I want her to be mine. But I won't accept this mission.

Sometimes, why would ppl keep picking on my disadvantage all the time. Last time was like this, when doing comp is like that, parents is like thats. Even the china dude that dunno me pick on me.

She...really takes our 3 years as not impt as I do?
She...really like the guy more?
She...really dun love me as much already?
She...really...dun think I am the one?
She...really...fun appreciate me at all.

I.... Really that bad meh as a bf?
I....really that stupid meh as a person?
I....really ntg to be appreciated?
I....really good in nothing?
I....really no ppl appreciate?
I....really shudn live on?

Going for ct-scan and autopsy later. Hope I'm ok and it better shrink.
Or else, I'll have to let mee go. I'm just a burden if it difn go well. I'll just have to wish both of them then.
What u call that word?
忍痛刮爱. Haha.

I just love her. Why won't she love me? Anyone can clarify me?
I'm going mad ad.

Don't be sad and jealous Chris. No one appreciates you. You know that. 7 years of frenship is ntg cz of status. 5 years of friendship is nth cz of gals. 2 years of relationship is ntg cz of $. 3 years of relationship is nth cz of attention. Everyone starts to leave u. Frens betray u. ICANN u trust? U've ntg at the end...u looking for warm in ur heart? Beat it. U looking for a good friendship? Think again. U looking for looooong rel? Is there any? Think again. Don't think you can tell ppl all ur past. No one is interested. We've found you. Think again about the project. And good luck in your scan tomorrow.

好心情！

2010-05-14T20:48:00.002+08:00

今天又去跑步了。今天体力还不错，与其跑一圈，我跑了两圈。胸口也没有痛了，出了一身大汗。身体也自然舒服多了。但是手却有点痛。看来是举哑铃过份了。但是要keep出好身材来把她迷倒，没办法咯。

今天心情不错！甚至有点开心。不知道为何这么开心，可能是因为我听到了她的声音！不要问我为什么，就觉得她的声音给我一种力量。哈哈。昨天她在facebook上发了一句句子。说她还想念那个男的。听了心里超不爽！又很想飞过去盖他一巴。开始觉得我好像有点暴力。哈哈。他欠我俩巴！

后来他说那个男的陪她很多。这也是她一直想要我做的. 为什么?!为什么我当时没好好把握去陪她呢？人，是不是要到失去了才懂得珍惜？唉！但我很不想失去她。真的非常非常的不想。

她说给我一次机会。我觉得，这是真的最后一次了。我不能输！我不能输了她！当然！我也很开心她肯给我一次机会！我一定会好好把握的！

今天她又有做工，还是从下午做到晚。一定累死她了。多希望我能在这个时候出现在她身旁。背她回家。如果她在这里。死我都要去。知道她今天会有排忙。心里又想着她。所以索性就打了一个电话给她。第一次打不通，想必她在准备着吧，过一阵子打了第二通，当电话嘟嘟响着时，我的心也跟着电话的嘟嘟声跳着。心里在想。打给她会尴尬吗？第一句话该说什么呢？她接了。我就问她在做什么，她的声音却冷冰冰的说她赶时间。待会儿再聊。

觉得自己好像吃了闭门姜。顿时心情也变得怪怪了。想不到她对我的影响的变幅是那么大的。也对的，一个人在赶时间时有人 “左住晒”，心里就想把他杀掉。过后她也告诉我，可以说是给我的一次机会，变得没人载要搭巴士。对不起咯。我爱你。

很想打给她，但又怕像刚在那样。但，我又很想听听她的声音，因为实在太想她了。好啦！中骂就中骂啦！谁叫我喜欢你，谁叫我想你。打啦！当她接电话时，好像整个人都放松了。和她聊了5分钟，给别人可能没什么，给我可就大了，开心死了！哈哈哈哈！

除了想她，打给她的另外一个原因就是知道她一个人搭巴士一定很不好受。假假我都搭过了三年，很闷。所以就打电话给她。和她聊聊，替她解闷。虽然知道自己想要陪她搭巴士是不可能。唯有打个点话给她说说一两句。希望她没那么闷。说来有说，她说她在马来西亚时就不打，偏偏打那些电话费贵的。没办法咯，有便宜不打，就打贵的。

陪她聊了几句，不知道她的心情会好一点，没那么闷吗？我发誓，我一定会经常打给她陪她的。等巴士解闷又好，她伤心开心都好，我一定会陪她的！啊？电话费贵？打了在说！哈哈。

今天也终于拿了薪水，拖了半个月才拿到。每次都说对不起对不起，你们哪有一次准时的?但她在我下去时MSN我。没有回到，遗憾及了。

很想念她。不知道她在做什么？

~Going Insane~

2010-05-13T20:19:00.002+08:00

AHHHHH!!!!!!

I'm going mad already!!! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why me?! Why me?! WHYYYYYYYYYYY MEEEEEEEEE???!!!!

Alot of problems rising at once!!! I really want to scream !!!

Here people ask for help, there people ask for help, I help U all. WHO THE HELL HELP ME????

I myself also got HELL LOT of PROBLEMS to be settle. Why U guys keep adding on to me?

I Havent been Eating well for a month One meal per day. Enough ah?!!

I havent sleep good in a month! 3 hours per day! Enough ah?!!

My face cannot see liao la. Can someone help me??

Can i die? Cz i can throw away all the problems at once. If i don't die, I'll have to face alllllll the problems at once, myself, and i cannot let it out to anyone. Cz guess what? NO ONE WILL LISTEN!!

Why would u must add a word anyone there? Cant you just tell me you still love me? and hope me be enthusiastic to kejar u back? Why have to add the word anyone? :(

I love you. I told u I love u all the time, and everytime i say it. I mean it. But, no one really tell me they love me. Not even my parents.

I just hope you can tell me u still love me and just want me to win you back. Or at least, tell me you are here with me. :(

I feel like dying. haiz..really.

想念，思考

2010-05-13T17:38:00.002+08:00

今天一早起身。全身都疼痛，昨天在家的花园内跑了不到10分钟。心脏开始痛起来。原本想跑前去附近的椅子坐坐休息一下。谁知道跑不到两步，眼前突然一片空白。什么都看不到了。顿时，胸口又开始痛起来了。那时的我，很怕很怕。我不想在那个时候，在那个地方到下。一睡不起。这世界，还有很多事情还没做的。我还没毕业，我还没追回我的女朋友，我还没报答父母亲！我不可以在这里放弃！决对不可以！

我很烦，　一开始为学业烦。没读书半年了，怕什么都追不上。　好了，学业那方面，总算有点眉目了。女朋友有说不要我了，感情上，又出事了。你说我笨又好，说我被女朋友迷到又好，我就是爱她一个。从来，都没有什么人喜欢过我，如果这一次她不接受回我。我看，都是别再去谈恋爱了。因为，我害怕失去。

昨天去跑步，因为我好像又有机会可以挽回这段感情。她开了一个条件，如果我能出席她的毕业典礼，很有机会我可以挽回我们之间的这段感情。当我知道时，我的心情，就像回到初初我们俩开始谈恋爱时。我很想给她一个幸福的感情。我真的很想。但，事实往往没想像中般美好。我伤害了她。当知道我又有机会时，顿时，希望之火又燃烧起来了！我的人生又充满希望了！万万没有想到，原来我的人生，就是这股推动力在推我前进！

一打开msn，往往脑里就只寻找她的名字，但很可惜，她，以渐渐少上网了。和她发短讯，她突然告诉我，如果是这样，对全部人不公平。自私点说，那男的，根本没有和她开始过。就算不选他，也对他没起什么大的伤害。反而对我来说，如果她不选我。总觉得，我的人生，一定又跌倒到另一个低潮。

在学业有困难时，是她陪我度过一切低潮与我的悲哀。是她告诉我，我不能这样。然而我才有勇气，去面对事实，面对我的过错。因为有她，才觉得今天的坏事都没什么大不了。但现在，平平凡凡过一天都觉得很无聊。因为已经没人愿意与我分享今天的事情了。一切都不像以往美好。

今天，可以说是比较没那么悲伤的一天，因为想到她在她觉得不错的地方工作，由头忙到尾。虽然很忙，也很累，一回到家就散了，呼呼大睡一觉。但我知道，她一定觉得很充实。得到顾客给她的贴士，她一定笑的见牙不见眼，然后来告诉我她的到了多少。以前和她在一起，她很喜欢碎碎念，说我这个不好那个不好，甚至有时我觉得，我有哪么差吗？但是先在已经没人唠叨我了，我反而讨厌“静”的感觉。

今天去修理店脑回来时，要找出我的一本课本时，竟然跌出了一张BBQ Plaza 的卡片。还差一张贴纸就可以换一盘烤肉。回想起和她一起去BBQ　Ｐｌａｚａ的时候，她总是逼我把菜吃完。那时的我讨厌吃菜，虽然很不愿意，但还是吃完。但先在才知道，那是幸福。回想起我们两人竟然傻到去收集贴纸，在最后时可以吃更多。但现在，你还愿不愿意和我一起去吃呢？

我心里很不安，一直发短讯给她，她因为工作而回不到我。虽然知道原因，但心里还是很不安，还一直发短讯给她。甚至让我觉得，“浩文，你好烦咧！”。　让我觉得自己是个很难缠的人。　Ａｎｎｏｙｉｎｇ！　Ｉｒｒｉｔａｔｉｎｇ？！

我很想念她，很是很是想念她。我甚至有一股冲动想要飞过去，告诉她说我错了，你能原谅我，回到我身边吗？

写到这里，脑海里在想着她。她到底在做什么？她有没有想我？但一切，恐怕只有我一个人在想。

~无题~

2010-05-12T00:46:00.001+08:00

心里很难受。非常非常难受。想，死了就算。

没了，完了

2010-05-11T22:50:00.004+08:00

今天，终于明白什么叫胡思乱想了。前一阵子，把自己的感情事搞砸了。现在连女朋友也甩掉我了。心里很不好受。很老实说，非常非常的不好受。以前吵架了，互把对方弄伤了，心里也没那么难过。这次，与其说难过，倒不如说痛苦。

其实，我还是很爱她。毕竟都是三年的感情。想也想不到，她尽然告诉我她将和一个认识不到一两个月的中国男子发展一段感情。听到这一番话。再饿也不想吃；再累也睡不觉。虽然说，分手了，已经不再有权利干涉她的私生活。但，心里很是不好受。既然有想要寻死的念头。

今天她告诉我她很喜欢谈电话。我，又何尝不是？但，因为她，我遇过车祸。脑部也做了一些调整。医生说，谈电话，最好别太久。否则脑部发育会受到影响。那我该告诉你我的痛苦吗？要说是为了你我车祸吗？我一直坚持说我忘记发生什么事了。可我还记得一轻二楚。可是，我不要让你难过罢了。

今天她有工做，我的时间是2311。她的时间，快我一个半小时。也就是0041。什么工做要到一点？以前说，不知道公车到几点就没了。现在的时间，还没回到。想必是那个男子载她。然后去了哪里？然后又有什么惊喜，把她感动了？先在的我，心里非常不好受。好像死。谁说我不爱她？他每次伤心。我都是！哪我呢？

哪个男的，有钱。可以照顾她。我承认，我现在是个穷光蛋！　人没钱，就会被看小。　做什么事情都不能。　如果我有钱，我会飞过去。一巴掌就把那男子盖走。有钱，可以买花。没钱，花香都没闻过。

她也说，　当她在大马时，我没驾车去找她。以为我不想？　在家里，　我是没自由的！　好像朋友说，爸妈管我太严。

好难过。好想死掉算了。

她也说，我没为他做过什么傻事。　难道那个男的就有？

一个月两百块，天天吃面包，有时面包吃腻了，索性就甭吃了。　死省下来，连肚子都病了，肠胃变得不好，容易泻肚子，存下来的钱，　带她去买手表，当作生日礼物给她。不到两个月，就弄丢了。

上次弄丢了钱包。　背着很重很难看的书包走了一段很长的路，终于找到了钱包，那人还要我用１００零吉来赎回钱包，身上的唯一５０零吉都被拿去了。换回她的钱包。　难道，　这些又得告诉你吗？

原本，以为买了一对情侣戒指。最后又给你弄丢了，　令我觉得，你不珍惜我们之间的感情。

说你在那边很孤独，没有我的陪伴。　那我又何尝不是？难道我在这儿，　又有很多女朋友陪伴吗？虽说，我有朋友。但，可以找的朋友。５个手指都算的完。你说呢？

一听到你和我分手。你的朋友个个开心不意。我有那么讨人厌吗？　

一听到你和我分手。你的朋友个个来关心，来安慰。　我呢？　没人可以诉说，只能在这儿把自己的心底话打出来。没人看，也没人知道我的感受。师傅说，你很孤独的。对。我是！

我已经在电脑前，坐了两小时，希望她会上网。　和我聊聊天。　以前，　凡是她在哪，　都会发个短讯和我聊聊。　晚上又可以上网聊聊。　谈谈今天所发生的快乐与悲伤。　可是，现在不一样了。　你不再在晚上上网，就算聊天，也想是非常的忙，打了十句才回一句；　发短讯给你。　你不再回复了。　在你心里，我，已经不是前５名了。　

你告诉我，你还很喜欢我，还很爱我。我听了，非常感动。　因为这是第一次，我感觉到我依然的存在。可是，我只能听。　

心里忐忑不安，滑鼠也一只打开ｍｓｎ看看，看了两小时。毕竟也没看到你了。　

我没别人有钱，　我没别人生的聪明。　但我比别人来得有骨气，　我不求人，我很自豪，因为，一切我拥有的东西都是靠我双手打拼回来的。但这一次，我求了她，别离开我。　因为，我需要一个人来分享我每天的开心与悲哀。我需要一个人来说她想念我。因为我的存在。就在你的那么一句话。

突然间，我收到了一封来自她的讯息。一切都完了。

Server & Client

2009-10-18T23:19:00.002+08:00

I'm freaking exhausted! Mentally of course. Informations...no, negative informations are overloaded.

A lot of stuff made me mad. But there's one thing i care among the others. This little thing, have maybe no impact on the others but ME! ME! ME!

Had a not good at all conversation right after I stuffed everything in my mouth and swoosh back to get online. I was excited at first, but one sentence hunt me down.

Anything ma?

F*** ! This word sudden appears n my mind, and the glass of excitement broke immediately; the temperature in the room rise from nowhere.

HELL!!!

We have no topic at all?

WC told me, he has a feeling that me and lyn will last till marriage. Haha. I hope. But, she said that, SHE SEE US GOING NOWHERE.

it hurts. Alot. For no reason. Actually there is. No! There ARE! My mood jump off the building, fell on the floor. lying down on the bloody..blood. LOLz.

I wish to call her, but, immediately it was turned down by the conversation that day.
Still dying whether you do or not.

I'll do anything. To repair this. I admit the way i do things is abnormal. lolz. Or should say, Different from the normal. The way i do, I tend to hide the process. As long as it works. But, not everyone can see.

I admit..I'm very revengeful, I don't like people betray me. I like putting people to make a wrong decisions.

I just want to smack table and the keyboard hard! and shout as loud as i can. But I can't. All was stuffed in my heart. It's like how u try to control not to vomit out by swallow it back. Those feelings SUX! I hate it.

I hate to being hurt. I hate it! FUCK!!

I don't speak foul language. Last time. But now I do. And surprisingly, I speak english more often nowadays.

I don't feel the love anymore. or at all. at this moment.

Is there anyway to release stress? Research shows that smoking do help release. Maybe I should try.

Who care when i dies. Life is so fucked up now. Damn!

Fuck Fuck Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

I'm so hurt and sad now. but no one know how i feel.

I do things for nothing now.

She start to don't like me. All were fake. Got a kind of being looked down feeling.

And i HATE that. Very much.

FUCK!!!

I'm so mad, I'm so hurt, I'm so angry, I'm so FUCKED UP!

Situation 1 :

Server and client connect thru LAN.

Server think that client keep downloading stuff from him and tend to cut the traffic off. But do you know that, traffic is two ways?

Situation 2:

Server told client, you are too slow. And not picking up my speed. I have to cut the traffic.

I'll upgrade the client, I want server to regret if the traffic is cut. I will.

I'm getting mad. mentally. Yes. Mad. I have to cool down.

Cz my heart cant take it physically. Lolz.

Yes, I got a bad heart. physically and mentally.

Fuck!

Existence

2009-09-30T23:01:00.003+08:00

I am not sleepy at all, but i have to force myself to sleep soon. When I finish cleaning my hard disk. Tho i got 500gb, but still...i like things in order. Not messy but CLEAN!

Listening the song titled "Can you feel the love tonight".

But a sentence strikes me hard. No. I can't . Lolz.

I've been downloading a movie that I'll probably never watch.

5 seasons have to be download in total. Season 6 is coming out as well. Haha.

Season 5 of How I met you mother came out! first 2 episode! Can't wait to download. But i got 21 more episode to download before my How I met your mother.

16 days more before the account expires. Have to san fu my computer liao. *sayang comp*

Sometimes sacrifices are to be done, but will people take my sacrifice serious? Well...at least serious? Sometimes tot of why I have to download without sleeping? BUt well, I like! Haha. Before that, I expect reciprocity. But now, I don't, honestly, I don't. But bit sad bah lidat.

I'm satisfied with my life now. Study and work, is a good combination for me, to keep me busy, to keep my mind busy, not to think alot. I feel that I'm well discipline now, I sleep and wake early. This and that. I even have oat (not oak) for my breakfast! I'm filled. But I think sometimes I'm too filled. I even start to not like to talk with people. Even WC, a buddy that can talk alot. But..well. Hmm...

So many things to tell her, but, how to make her see? Less topic, less time, less interesting? less sparks? Used to?

I'm not..I'm still to old one. The old one that trust, and believe. And wanted to be a better person me.

Lungs is abit pain. Got the not good feeling there. Lolz..physically not good.

My existence doesn't make any difference.

"But I DO exist" I told myself.

And "I love you". I told her. Thousand times.

But....

Can u see it?

Going up! But It's hard!

2009-09-16T03:26:00.003+08:00

Really long time didn't touch my blog liao. Kinda lazy to blog sometimes. But it's a good way to release myself. ^_^

It's 3.30 a.m. now, and am gonna have to wake up at 7.30 a.m. to prepare to go to work. But now, I'm totally don't have the mood to sleep. Insomnia!!! Damn it.

Things in my life are getting better, and more organized! :D It makes myself feel busy, but not really thaaaat busy. Only I know, we can't have everything, sometimes you'll have to choose only ONE!

I choose to pump up my life, but then i've neglected mee. I'm the bones between my palm. Lolz. If you understand what it means. Had a quarrel with mee. Don't feel good. Was wondering how she'll feel. The more I don't want to make her sad, the more i made her. Damn!

I have a belief, wearing the ring gives me a bad relationship with mee, but when not wearing it, it gets us closer. *shrug*

Read mee's blog, she seems like had a really happy life in Adelaide. Poor me. Haha. Now my turn to look at photos and envy. Damn it. Well, sometimes I really think that mee'll be happier without me. 3-years of relationship. What am i thinking?

My post wasn't that interesting tho,
Firstly, My english was not good.
Second, I don't know what to write.
Third, Mood not really good.

Just finish fixing the comp, was really a tough one. Thank god i still have some computer knowledge.

Waiting for Grey anatomy to finish it's download, still go a looong waaaay to go. But I promised mee to download for her. But those arent what she really want from me bah.

I train my little brain with some cognitive task every morning, Sudoku!! Lolz.
so am now, cracking the stupid Any Video Converter, to convert the files to a smaller one to ship to mee. I know there are lotsa patch and serial key out there. But I would challenge myself, so that i know I'm still able to apply that knowledge.

Mee said she'll be back on Jan probably, Am gonna plan a trip. But whether will it works, then hard to say. Since mee said that she'll be busy and might not coming back . But well, i'll plan it anyway.

Mee is forcing her career up, cz she wanted to pay back her parents or what. Too bad, I'm not that smart or A's student. Sometimes feel kinda bad, everyone is out there, Am still here, now have to change to bpsych summore. What a SHAME!

Sometimes I hope mee not coming back, why? Cz when she come back, If She finds me, then my parents will ask me about going overseas. If I go down to find her, her parents will ask the same thing. Haha. Malu wei. But I miss her.

Sometimes I guess, she really need me ah? Cz she's not as attach to me like last time. Because of that, I choose to work harder in my life to catch up with her. But I'm still waaaay behind. F***!

People told me not to compete with people. Or better not.

But I will.

And mee told me she'll dumb me? if i'm not going to make it next year.

Well, I guess her dream will come true then?

I love her.

I lover her.

But only on my own.

An Update of life

2009-09-07T18:26:00.005+08:00

College has started, surprisingly, I'm taking a subject with those newbie. Well, even mee's ex is in it. Well..who cares even her future husband is in it, am gonna "do the right thing". Study!!!

Before this, I tot of changing my field to engineering. In motorsports. Yes! In motorsports. But I think about it later. Something is wrong. Am will stick to Psychology. everyone is looking down on me. Fuck up! I'll prove them all wrong.

Lately I feel that my life is filled. (Syok)

I gotta work with Uncle Steven on Getsuyobi, then I have class on Kayobi and Mokuyobi, Then I got myself a typing job on Suiyobi & Kinyobi. Then I have to go for sports on Doyobi. I guess the last day, I have to stay at home and spend more time with mee and my family on the Nichiyobi.

And keeping myself busy, my life is fulfilled. I have to wake up at 7.30 everyday. keeping a waking time like this, I'm assuming that my life is more organize. Nice!

lately I hate fat. not because of what. But myself, went to a random photoshoot session (Thx to Mr zuo han) , and saw the fatness inside me!!! It's alright if I look fat. But the thing is, I think I myself is a little bit clumsy.

Yea, fat people are clumsy, that's what other people said. It's not self fulfilling, but hey! I experienced it myself! My movement started to be abit...slow..or can say insensitive. My become more, rough. As in..the walking style, well...when u see those sweaty people eating. U can imagine me in it. Damn it.

I have to act early, am planning not to go overseas, due to financial strain, and am not wanting daddy to be that san fu. My dad - is neither a big big business man ; nor a doctor. My dad- is neither a PHD holder; nor a Uni level student. My dad - is neither working a high payment job; nor a high rank staff in a BIG company.

BUT

He is my dad. Parents are worrying about me. Me too. Mee too (hoping not, I don't want her to worry about me). Am planing to transfer back to Bpsych, since it's certificate is recognize by Uni in the other country. Yes! Save Cost. That's the main thing.

I miss mee...guess not the vice versa. She said that i'm always late. :( Yea, she bought a canon for herself. ^_^ and I don't know it. Well..the reply was sucks. Nevermind, leave it. I guess she is not as sticky liao. I think the day is coming? Not good.

Lately I've been keeping a daily to-do-list. Awesome.

Well organized life. I guess, Am starting to rushing up to the hill.

Dear God, i wish that I'll have a totally awesome life, as how it appears in my schema.

I didn't expect anyone to read this. It's just an update of myself to inform me. Hey! I'm at this stage.

Sometimes I wonder...??!!

2009-08-22T09:45:00.003+08:00

Sometimes i wonder, am I lucky or unlucky guy? Darn! Speaking on the proactive side, I'm lucky, because I'm healthy, no physically disabled ; am have a wonderful family, despite that my parents are the ngam cham type. Well, most of the family have ngam cham parents, am still in the norm :) I got friends, things I want. Those are lucky!

Speaking on the reactive side, I never always get what I want. Damn! There are no one can get anything and everything they wanted to. Well, I believe that "skies" are fair. Lolz. Was wondering why on earth studies are not standing on my side. All friends went overseas, left me here. Was rather lonely. :(

Finally daddy got some work to be done, this time, daddy took out a big amount for his job. To buy the ingredients la. Daddy told me his pocket empty liao (sometimes he do complain to me his frustration). Of course, I bring it over with some laugh, saying that life is like that. But inside my mind, there are aloooot of things going through.
Went to see the representatives of the UniSA that day. But things doesnt turn out that well tho. Still have to wait for their call. Darn! Results havent out yet, sometimes I was wondering taking the psycho-path is the right choice for me. Instead, I think I should get into the engineering path.

Until recently, am very interested in automobile, well, everytime the engine roars, it wakes me up, push my Epinephrine ( So called adrenaline) all over my body. But well, it's another story.

I got problems, but I don't dare to speak to my parents, No one knows about that, I know, letting it out is a great release, but I will tell nobody. I choose to keep, to make myself feel bad, to remind me with those bad feelings. Until I, myself get it done.

Daddy is trying to approach me, but i avoid. The thing is, If I dont go overseas, I feel sorry for myself, but If i go overseas, I feel sorry for my daddy. He will be very san fu.

However, I will stick to my path and get it done. I Must! Will not disappoint people that hope on me. Esp myself, parents and mee.

Speaking of mee, she went for a 4D2N trip to Melbourne. Hope she enjoy the trip, cant really speak to her, as in, less smses, less msn, less skype. And i miss her alot. Really alot. But still, I choose to keep.

I want to success! I want! and I will!!

Deep thoughts.

2009-08-16T19:52:00.002+08:00

Things went through my mind. But I can't catch any of them. Here are some that i'm aware.

1. I'm sad
2.I'm depress.
3.Nobody knows what is actually happened to me.
4. Nobody understands me, i'm included.
5.Busy and put the greatest effort to earn Rm500 to the trip. And now I decided to keep.
6. Kit is stop progressing. No Mood. No inspiration.
7.Lost interest in study. In fact I'm frustrated to wait.
8. Comparison makes people feel bad. But I like to compare. But I don't like to feel bad.
9. Getting ready.
10. No people wants me.
11. Am a dumbass.

Try Me

2009-08-06T20:19:00.003+08:00

Second post of the day. The first post was an anger....this post is a slightly anger. Lolz.

Mood was rather OK today, I'm freaking boring here. hope to get some entertainment. Well, I read magazines, newspapers, watch TV, mafia-ed, restaurant citied, blogged.

But still feel the boring la!!

I didn't get the photo today, not one. I didn get that photo as well. WTH.

So finally, came to some sort of "something" to do. Been asked some sort of err...

basic questions. OMG!! I'm damn angry at myself!! i can't freaking answer the basic questions after 2 years!!!

it's not only I can't get the reward for not answering those questions, yet it still give me a pull on me. Jackass me. Feel kinda moody after that. Blergh.

Mee told me return flight from KL to perth is cheap for air asia, RM249. Well. At that moment I know what she wanted to say. I very willing to. but after a long long words appeared. esp the last sentence. Well, brings my mood a 180 degree drifting u-turn. Lolz. It's a technique that I want to learn wei. Haha.

Well, I don't let people hope on me. Cz I always fail. No? Try me.

A reply to you

2009-08-06T15:11:00.005+08:00

http://www.utusan.com.my/utusan/info.asp?y=2009&dt=0804&pub=Utusan_Malaysia&sec=Rencana&pg=re_02.htm

The above link was taken from the utusan melayu website. (Obviously)

When u read this, for real, your anger will arise and travel around your body.

Honestly this person was bored of his job, and found nothing to write about and simply have his/ her (I don't know what his sex is, cz his/her name doesnt show)"imbas kembali" which has nothing to do and "day dream". And he created this article.

There are certain points that i would like to say here, taken from his article,

1. "Orang Melayu, Raja-Raja Melayu dan Kumpulan Utusan Melayu yang selama ini sangat bersabar dan sentiasa sangat berhati-hati menjaga hati orang Cina dan India, sudah tidak boleh tahan lagi." ( I think you are the one yang tidak boleh tahan, please, don't take yourself to represent orang melayu, Raja-raja melayu, an Kumpulan utusan melayu, "anda tidak layak mewakili mereka, anda adalah anda")

2. "Serangan dan penghinaan pembangkang dan aktivis politik Cina dan India terhadap Melayu semakin menjadi-jadi. Mereka sengaja menunjukkan keberanian dan tindakan kurang ajar. Cuma mereka belum berarak dan membuka butang seluar seperti sewaktu Tragedi 13 Mei." ( Siapa yang kurang ajar? Writing article like this, you are racist! I'm not saying you kurang ajar, aje tidak mendapat ajaran yang tidak cukup aje)

3."Apakah sebenarnya cita-cita orang Cina dan India?"(Apakah cita-cita anda? merosakkan "satu malaysia" ke? Mendapat kuasa banyak? Jadi ahli politik untuk dapatlah, tetapi mesti kalah punya jika anda memang ingin cuba)

4."Strategi yang mereka pergunakan sekarang sudah nyata berjaya. Terus menyemarakkan isu rasis untuk menimbulkan "kemarahan dan kebencian" rakyat kepada apa juga kuasa yang ada kepada orang Melayu, termasuk kuasa mahkamah, polis dan tentera. Dan kuasa Raja-Raja Melayu." (Apa yang anda kata, "mereke" menggunakan strategi yang apa anda menggunakan sekarang? Untuk menyemarakkan isu rasis untuk menimbulkan "kemarahan dan kebencian" rakyat kepada apa juga?)

5."Anehnya ramai juga orang Melayu-Islam yang ikut benci kepada kuasa bangsa sendiri. Bangsa Melayu sudah menjadi bangsa yang tolol dan bacul." (Berasa aneh melayu-islam ikut benci kepada kuasa bansa sendiri? Kerana ada orang macam engkau, siapa tak benci?)

6."Walaupun bekas Menteri Besar Perak, Datuk Seri Mohammad Nizar Jamaluddin memberikan hak milik tanah selama 999 tahun kepada kaum Cina, ramai juga orang Melayu mengundi beliau pada Pilihan Raya Kecil Parlimen Bukit Gantang." (ini adalah kerana hati orang lain tidak sekecil macam anda, tau?)

7. "Benarlah bangsa Melayu yang memerintah sudah nak mati! Dan saya ingin bertanya Anwar Ibrahim: "Di manakah nanti duduknya kuasa politik Melayu dalam kerajaan pakatan pembangkang?" "(sebelum anda tanya, tanya sendiri, dimana nilai moral anda? dapat jawapan baru tanya orang.)

8. "Dengan itu hilanglah identiti Melayu dalam nama negara sendiri dan orang bukan Melayu yang menjadi tuan yang sebenar." "(PM pun dah kata, SATU MALAYSIA! Buta ke? atau anda ni pekak? Hor!! Atau anda ingin merosakkan slogan MALAYSIA and membuat kita tidak dapat mencapai SATU MALAYSIA? Anda ingin jadi Tuan, dapatkan pembantu rumah, tiap-tiap hari anda digelar "Tuan",jika anda dapat membayar kos dia.)

9."Apakah tindakan politik yang perlu kita buat sekarang?" (Hapuskan orang macam engkau, boleh kurang satu, kurang satu)

This person, totally kurang ajar. What i would say.

this Article, is Socially unacceptable (from my perSpective). Honestly, why wOuld peopLE write stuff like this? Haiz...Satu Malaysia, PM, it's kinda hard lo with people like this. Wish you good luck.

Reference:

Noor, Azam(2009). Melayu jangan jadi bacul. Retrieved
August 6, 2009, from http://www.utusan.com.my/utusan/info.asp?y=2009&dt=0804&pub=Utusan_Malaysia&sec=Rencana&pg=re_02.htm

Communication and death

2009-07-17T12:09:00.004+08:00

Do you have a dog in your house? And are you annoyed by your dog's barking for no reason and you don't know what your little dog said?

Now there's a solution!!

Introduce you the relaunched Bowlingual 2.0! The dog translator!!

With this, you can know what the dog is barking at, what he/she wants. The first version was launched in year 2002. But now, it's being upgraded and being relaunched. With now, You are able to know your dog's emotion. Damn, technology is awesome. But too bad, I don't have a dog.

Another sad case was, Teo Beng Hock, the aide of Selangor state executive councillor was dead!! According to the newspaper, he was to "commit suicide" and jump from the Malaysia Anti-Corruption commission (MACC) HQ. Well, he was being brought back to their HQ for investigation. Then found that he was dead at 1.30 pm the next day.

I was like...WTH? read the newspaper, and you'll know there are alot of suspicious points there. It was soooooooooo damn unfair. The worst thing is, he is going to get married legally (register) the NEXT day. If I'm him, Hell i'll commit suicide? If I do accept corruption, damn most mai kena sebat and jail. No need to jump geh. I personally think that it's not being killed. Well, nowadays politics are so damn dark, and very unfair. And they still want young people to join politics? Well, If I am, I will not play a fair game, cz i think that politic is NOT A FAIR GAME. Sad for him and his family members. RIP. Tho I don't know you, but i know it's not what you want to.

Lately alot of dead case lor, MJ is the one that shakes the whole world, then this teo beng hock, and there's a sudden death of this little child. According to the report, this child was playing with his friend, and he fell down suddenly and not waking up, when he is still a little bit awake, his friend ask him and he answered, " I just want to sleep". then he is gone. Man!! This moment is playing happily, then he is gone the next second. :S

Life is so fragile, We'll never now what will happen the next. Damn!

Rest In Peace for three of them, tho neither one of them know me.

Must take care to all reader. Love and cherish what you got. Jangan main main.

The Stig, not stick

2009-06-23T11:20:00.004+08:00

OMG!!!!

Today only i know that He is "The Stig".

A person that remains mysterious! The never lose in any race with anyone in TOP Gear.

"The Stig" is finally revealed!

Omg. Unbelievable.

Michael Schumacher is "The Stig".

Wth, was really unexpected. Firstly I think it was some sort of former driver of don't know where. But hell...Michael Schumacher.

Damn He is geng wei.

Well, Tho he revealed his identity, but the thing is...

It's better to remain mysterious bah.

情绪化

2009-06-16T19:05:00.002+08:00

因为需要用到电脑上网，而家里的网已经烂到拿来捕鱼都不行了，所以昨天就在姑姑的家睡。由于姑姑的家没有王法，也没有家规，就算有也没用，都只有我一个人在家。所以我就特别晚睡，一点就被周公叫去了。在四点多时，被一场恶梦给吓醒了，梦里是说我在大马路骑着脚车，在交通灯的几辆车后面停了下来. 当时交通灯已经转红了，但又一辆载着石灰的啰哩飞快的冲过去，结果撞上一辆在旁边来的车。那一辆车被撞成了一半。那一幕不是笔墨能形容的。总之只能用恐怖来形容。然后我就追了上去，还叫弟弟记下它的车牌号码。然后就醒了。其怪的是，我去买了彩票。哈哈。是我第一次去买彩票的。如果是中了，要把一半捐出去的。

本以为早上起床，精神奕奕。想必有什么好事会发生在我身上，但，一切都不一样了。坏事接二连三发生在我身上。都不想提了。

今天情绪变的很不稳定，有一种想哭的感觉，但又哭不出来，像一个在便秘的眼睛。可能因为承受着一种巨大又无形的压力，知道有压力，但又不知从何而来。

世界每一个角落，每一样东西都在变，唯一不变的，就是变。
如果不是慧婷，我也不知道我做事这么不够果断。只是一直以来，我只不过不想做一个不听意见，一言堂的独裁者。简单来说，一个自私的人。一个自私的朋友罢了。以前的我，也变成了这副德型。

突然决的世界变的很黑暗，仿佛我的人生就没有了希望。虽然，话不能这么说，看，世界还有比你更惨的。但，这是我现在的想法。

从年头开始，我做事也变的马马虎虎了，觉得人生好像到了转折点，突然陷入了低潮，跌入了一个看不到底，听不见回音的无底洞。

有种想放弃的念头，但我知道，如果我一放弃，就一定没得回头了。但现在的我，就像一个挂在悬崖中间，要爬上去，可是双手又没有力的情况。

人难做，做人难，难做人。

但，这就是人生嘛，对吗？这是游戏的一部分。

我才没那么容易放弃的。

我还要爬上山，看那即将升起的太阳呢。

她将要回来了，虽然心里很期待，但，她都不能留超过两天。虽然她又接近一个月的假期。但，我也没有权利说些什么。为什么身为男子，你不能下去看她嘛？但，我在她家长面前，分数也好像和二字对除了。

因为每个父母都希望他们女儿嫁的好嘛。所以呀，那个男的要很有学历哦。高薪水，高职位，这个高那个高。

但我好像什么都比人低咧。

算了啦。虽说想起来有些伤心。但只有说自己不争气。不死也没用。哈哈

A Tag by Sharon

2009-06-05T01:32:00.002+08:00

the person who tagged you is Sharon Kin.

Your relationship with her is good friend, we used to talk a lot. .
Your first impression on her is What the Heck? ( at the first time I saw her), unexpected funny person later on.
the most memorable moments with him/her is he Watch Meet the Robinson in cinema.
the most memorable thing she/he said to you. I miss him!! ( She always do )
if she/he becomes your lover, then I'm in a BIG trouble. :-P
if she/he became your lover,what should he/she improve at?! Stop missing him? Lolz.
if she/he becomes your enemy,what would you do? I'll always stuff my enemy to dead.
if she/he became your enemy ,the reason will be because she keep missing him and annoyed me. :-p
the most desired thing you want to do. Be a Race Driver!!! and got a chance to drive a F1 !!!
your overall impression him/her. She was a nice person. But sometimes I was annoyed by her.
the characteristic you love most bout urself . Honestly, Don't have any. :-(
the characteristic you hate bout urself. I got a sucky brain. What the Heck.
the most ideal person u want to be with. One can listen to my lame joke. And tahan me. :-p ( A Hint)
for people who care and love you,say something to them. Oh.. Ahem.Ahem.. I...love you too... *Shy*
pass this tag to 10 people

1. Lynette! :-p
2. Jacky.
3. Zuo Han. ( Stop Blogging)
4. Wui Teng. (Blog once in a blue moon)
5. Wai Chung. (Totally forgot the existence of his blog)
6. Sheu.
7.Voon Phin ( A facebook person)
8.Su Juen.
9. No fren liao.
10. I'm not that good in socializing.

17) who is 6 having a relationship with ?
Err...Nigel..young? Nigel yong? The bear?.

18)is 9 a male or a female?
You think leh?

19)what is 2 studying at the moment ?
Accounting at Tar College.

20)Who was the last person u had a chat wif ?
Lynette!

21)what kind of music does 8 like ?
A good Question. Instrumental? She is studying music in NUS. So i think a bit of everything I assume? (Sorry)

22)Does 1 have any siblings?
Oh ! A sis.

23)is 4 single?
Yes. According to her Sifu, her relationship before 29 are all fake. So I think she'll remain single till 29 i guess.

24)what is the surname of 6?
OMG. I really dont know. A wild guess...Wong?

25)what is the hobby of 5 ?
Masturbating. Muahahaha!! ( since he is not reading this :-p, I can say as bad as he can)

26)do 7 and 9 get along well ?
...... -.-

27)where is 10 studying at ?
Somewhere in earth. Gua.

28)say something casually bout ur eyes
You can't see my eyes when I smile.

29)Have u tried developing feelings for 2?
Hell No!! He is my cousin. If we are in relationship...T_T Our family will disagree.. Hey! I'm not gay.

30)where does 9 live?
It even not exist.

31)what colours does 4 like ?
I dont' know. Red maybe? Coz the handphone she is holding was red in colour.

32)are 5 and 1 gud frens?
Good question.! Well..still can get along gua.

33)does 2 like 7 ?
They know each other meh?

34)how did u get to noe 8 ?
She is my cousin.

35)does 1 have any pets ?
Hell yeah! A dog named pepper and she loves it. A turtle, few fishes. Yet she wanted 3 dogs and a SNAKE :-S as pets next time. :-s

36)is 7 the sexiest person on earth ?
I'll give you his Facebook if you are interested. People say he look like brad pitt when he cover his whole face.

37)are u sexy ?
Ooo..wanna know am I sexy? Contact me. Haha.

38) what are u doing now ?
Going to change those answer into Red and post it. Grr..

Reasons that I'm dying early.

2009-06-03T06:49:00.003+08:00

Few Reasons That I think I'm Not Healthy and will be dying early.

1.) I sleep Very late (like now I'm still awake, It's 6.45a.m. now btw), and I wake up late. (somewhere around 2 - 3 p.m., Yes, PM)

2.) I faced the computer From 3.30 PM - Now (6.47 a.m.), about 10 hours, took out some time for brunch, dinner, toilet. Approximately 3 hours. I still got 6 hours infront of the computer.

3.) I drink terribly less water, about....A glass or two per DAY?

4.) I eat very very unhealthy food. McDonalds was my favourite, mamak stores, lotsa unhealthy food.

5.) My mood was always low. That my body didn't produce enough serotonin to boost my life?

6.) I do terribly less sports. 2 hours ( in fact it is less than) of badminton on the friday, about 2 hours of swimming on the Saturday.

7.)I go toilet less, which means my circulation systems wasn't that satisfying tho.

8.) I started to feel the pain on my right kidney, and some sort of pain at my liver. :-S

9.) I never keep on my schedule. It makes me feel useless and nothing at all.

The reason that I haven't die now is that I'm still young. The Body STILL CAN TAKE IT. But When got older. Hell, awhile then I'm in Hell.

If I havent master something before 25, It's too late to know that name of the game. I'm 21 this year. Look back, I've wasted at least, 11 years perhaps.

OMG. I'm a dumbass.

Fragile

2009-05-27T19:18:00.002+08:00

It's fragile. Damn! Life is so fragile. Well...I manage to force myself to got onto bed before 1 a.m. Cheers for me. And for no reason I woke up at 7 this morning, and because I smsed uncle Steven to pick me up at 8, so i think he'll be leaving his house at 7.30 something and reach my house about 8. So I waited there until 8. And at 8 o'clock, he called me and say it was too rush to pick me up. Well..then i went back to sleep until 11 +. Damn!

Well..seems like it has already 50% succeed. 50% more!

Then mummy came back for lunch and tell me about the death of her Boss' wife, and due to that, she no need to go for work for the next three days.

Life is fragile no? Then it reminds me of feeding my aunt's little baby, the moment I carry them, they are even lighter than the dumbbell. :-S Wow.

Lastly, my internet line are fragile as well. Internet was terribly slow today. And the weird thing is, I can sign into my msn and chat, but can't surf the web. Freak! I always have this kind of problems. Then I have to climb up to the roof again. And well..the wire had broke. WTF! Luckily I manage to fix it la. And well, I'm happily back to my RC again ! :p

Comparison

2009-05-25T00:49:00.003+08:00

I like to compare. It makes me go forward. On the other hand, I dislike compare, because it makes me feel bad...pretty bad.

Comparisons are divided into alot of level. Like...the comparisons of their offspring among parents, the current boyfriend and the ex-boyfriends, the results of your friends and yourself, the achievements between you and your friends. Bla bla bla...but..this is the catch. There are certain things that you have not to compare. Those are TABOO!!! lolz. One of my friend had this comparison before. His girlfriend said that he is not as good as her ex In BED. Well, if you say that you are better than my ex in bed, well, that was great to the listener. But let's say, what if the ex hear that? The best thing is look at current. and not to tell who the heck is better, neither in front of your current nor your ex. I think my friend was not interested in sex anymore. Pity him. Lolz. I did made to compare today. But It wasn't so nice tho. Yet, I made up an excuse to avoid. IT's like my brother's situation. Everyone see him made up a lie to cover his mistake. But it is not! My brother was innocent.

I'm in a crappy situation, well...It'll make you feel better when u spill out. But. I rather not telling anyone. Yes. NOT ANYONE. I'll take it all alone. Why? Because it doesn't help at all when i tell anyone. Sometimes it is a small problem for a person, but it might be a BIG problem for someone. Everyone seems like not understand me now. Is it coz I didn expose myself much? lolz.
Who cares.

May be...I'm not ready to tell. I think I start to lost interest in everything liao. Not again. Damn. That's why I say..no one will really understand me. I was excited at first, but now i rather it's wont happen. Bloody hell.

I am suppose to sleep early. Because Uncle steven will come to fetch me at 7.30a.m. to follow him to work. Due to the baby, he'll be staying at grandma's house for two months. Which he is going to rush up and down to fetch his little daughter to kindergarten at Sri petaling. then work. pity him. But I can't sleep. Alot of things are turning in my mind. Gwahhh!!

Life is harsh no? I think I'm depress. I'm just sad. I'm just disappointed. I'm just...thinking too much, I'm just...alone...I'm just....too much...too much..

The pain in heart

2009-05-22T01:07:00.005+08:00

I was kinda sad today. Well....more like...a kind of disappointment was rushing out of my mind. Maybe I'm depressed. But who cares. Lolz.

Suddenly I realized alot of things today. Well. I start to get worrier. It's not like keep worrying will help.

I realized that, why would I have the feelings of heart pain when I saw a cheque with an amount of my school fees? Yes, My heart was pain. It's true. I can't afford to see my parents paying again and again for my school fees. Especially my daddy.

And I start to feel useless to be unable to achieve what I'm expected to. Freaking me. I know what am i suppose to do. Yet I don't know what to do. Stupid huh?

That day I heard my mummy said that a daughter of her friend. Was hesitate to go outstation to study. And she said that whether is she get to achieve a good result and she afraid that she'll feel sorry for her mum if she can't achieve a good result. Then my parents said that she was sooo mature.

The thing is, yes I'm not mature. I never think of feeling sorry for my parents whether can or can't I achieve a good result. The thing that runs in my mind is " I MUST GET A GOOD RESULT. THERE IS NO WETHER YOU CAN OR CANNOT". Eventually I take up greater stress. No? Haha.

I ''m suppose to stand up. No sad. The hope is still on my back. I love my family. I can't disappoint them at all.

Adult wasn't so good tho. Best was like them.

Babies! Was from my aunt. Take a snap of them without alert anyone. :-P

Take a look a little closer to them. Apparently this is Roxin? Supposedly she is called Constance. But heel the sifu say she shall not be called Constance. So..their christian name was voided.

And this one would be Joxin. Suposedly she is called Calista. But well..thank to the same sifu again. This name was voided.

They are twins. Well, It's the first time I saw a twins. Not those adult twins la.

Well, I wish i was like them, Without trouble. But well, they'll have their trouble later on. Cz their mum was a fierce one. :P

Neway...I love them. CUTE!!!

And I have to do something about myself. Not just sitting there.

Tagged.

2009-05-18T20:57:00.004+08:00

Well...I was tagged by Voon Phin. So I'll just honestly do the tag. Lolz~

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 100 Truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: Plain Water. Good boy leh. :-p
2. Last phone call: Zuo Han calling me asking about the power supply thingy.
3. Last text message: Wai Chung Telling me he is at Sri Hartamas
4. Last song you listened to: 爱你在伤口- 任贤齐
5. Last time you cried: How many months ago. Forgotten.

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: Yes!!
7. Been cheated on: Yes!
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: No gua...things then got la. That freaking chilli.
9. Lost someone special: YES
10. Been depressed: YES!! (Why I look like so happy being depressed?)
11. Been drunk and threw up: Yes. Get scolded by grandfather somemore.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
12. Black
13. Blue
14. White

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend: Quite a number of them.
16. Fallen out of love: No
17. Laughed until you cried: No
18. Met someone who changed you: Yes
19. Found out who your true friends were: Yes!
20. Found out someone was talking about you: I'm not that Kay Poh.
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: Oh yes!
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: Most of them. 80% maybe?
23. How many kids do you want to have: 2-3
24. Do you have any pets: Got a tank of fish. That currently in my friend's house.
25.Do you want to change your name: Hell no. Why would I?

26. What did you do for your last birthday: Went to A famosa with Mee!
27. What time did you wake up today: 12.00 noon. I'm freaking lazy.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Quarreling with Mee..
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: Get overseas!!
30. Last time you saw your Mother: She is nagging at me now.. -.-
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: My brain. Being smarter.
32. What are you listening to right now: My mum's nag. =.=
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Never.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: Nothing really.
35. Most visited webpage: Hotmail. Blogspot. Facebook.
36. Whats your real name: Low Hao-Wen

37. Nicknames: Hao (by my family)..Lo mai Kai? (by primary school friends)
38. Relationship Status: In a relationship.
39. Zodiac sign: Scorpio
40. Male or female?: Male
41. Primary?: SRJK(C) Chung Kwok.
42. Secondary School?: Catholic High School,PJ
43. Poly/Ite/Jc/others?: HELP University College.
44. Hair colour: Original Black + abit of brown + abit of white.
45. Long or short: Now kinda long, will be short soon.
46. Height: Approximately 170+ gua.
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: Last time got. Now no.
48: What do you like about yourself?: I don't know. Skill maybe?
49. Piercings: Trying to get one soon. And Will try to hide from my parents. :-p
50. Tattoos: Hell no!
51. Righty or lefty: Righty!

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery: Been once on brain?
53. First piercing: coming soon. :-p
54. First best friend: Lee Tuan Khoon (primary school).
55. First sport you joined: Badminton
56. First vacation: Sabah with school trip.
58. First pair of trainers: Yes. When I was In primary school. My Leepok instead of Reebok.

RIGHT NOW
59. Eating: NO
60. Drinking: NO
61. I'm about to: publish this post. :p
62. Listening to: My mum's nagging still =.=
63. Waiting on: Go overseas!

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids?: YA
65. Get Married?: I don't want to be "Yellow Old Five". But it's ok with a diamond infront.
66. Career?: Businessman, Doctor, Pilot!!

Which IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes: Eyes
68. Hugs or kisses: Kiss
69. Shorter or taller: Taller
70. Older or Younger: Younger.
71. Romantic or spontaneous: Both!
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Arms!
73. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive.
74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: Hesitant.

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger: Once when I was 5 years old. When I was running with my ice cream...
77. Drank hard liquor: NO
78. Lost glasses/contacts: No!
79. Sex on first date: NO! I'm not like HIM...lolz.
80. Broken someone's heart: Yes and always. :(
82. Been arrested: By mum that I finish her chocolate. :-p
83. Turned someone down: Yes and always. :(
84. Cried when someone died: NO.
85. Fallen for a friend?: Yes! When I was standard 6. :-p

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: Yes!
87. Miracles: YES!
88. Love at first sight: hell yeah!
89. Heaven: YES
90. Santa Claus: No. They are fake. Have to pay them for photo. Haha.
91. Kiss on the first date: NO.
92. Angels: Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: Yes!! I got lotsa boyfriends at a same time!
95. Did you sing today?: Yes.
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: Yes! My teacher especially.
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: Back to my form 5 life.
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?: Being with Mee at A famosa. I enjoyed that moment.

100. Posting this as 100 truths?: Swear is was a YES!

I'm going to tag no one. But Mee!!! Heehee. :-p

Lotsa Ands.

2009-05-17T19:33:00.006+08:00

Watched Angels and Demon. At midnite... 12.35 am.
and the movie last until about 3 a.m.
and I got home at 4 a.m.
and I sleep at about 5 a.m.
and I got wake up at FREAKING 10 a.m.
and it means that I had a 5 hours of sleep.
and it means that I'm tired.
and I'm not sleepy.

Angels and Demon was nice! According to some source, the movie was shot in Vatican that made in New York because Vatican don't let them shoot it there. Well..was kinda real. Technology! But I think that the movie wasn't that nice compare with the book. It always do.

Before watching the movie. Me, Wc and PJ. went to dinner.
and it cost us Rm80+ for 3 person.
and the food was not that nice.
and the girl gets angry when I try to pay for the dinner.
and at last the girl paid.
and luckily she paid. :-P

Plan to go to starbucks after a bowling game and few arcade.
and starbucks was full.
and we went to delicious.
and it cost us RM50+ for 3 dessert.
and I'm trying to pay it again.
and the girl gets angry again.
and at last she paid it again.
and luckily she paid for it again. :-p :-p

Congratulations to my aunt. That deliver 2 little baby into this world.
and they are twins.
and their name was Constance and Calista.
and the younger sister was bigger, heavier, than the sister.
and they are so cute.
and their face are so peace.
and I love to see peace (not pissed) face.
and congrats to my uncle and aunty.

Had a fight with my dear. :(
and i was kinda pissed that moment.
and I know that I still love her very much.
and I don't know why things always turn out the negative way.
and I told her to pause the relationship for awhile.
and I think over and over again.
and know that pausing doesn't help but worsen it.
and I love her.
and I don't want to lose her.
and I miss her alot.
and you can always see this on me.

and this is what I treasure alot.
and this is what my dear gave me.
and I think of her when I see this.
and I feel that she is always with me when I'm wearing this.
and I gonna save this relationship.

Next week was wai chung's birthday.
and we are going out for dinner and movie.
and I have to burn my pocket again.
and I'm freaking broke.
and Yet I don't know what to buy him for present.
and it's kinda boring that I've been going out every weekend.

and I need a JOB.

You are reading this blog.
and you wonder why I use so many AND.
and it is because I'm lazy to write it long.
and probably you'll think that i'm stupid to be lazy.
and probably when you reading this. You are smiling?
and I like you smile while you reading.
and because it is a kind of satisfaction for me?

and ENJOY

Thought

2009-05-10T16:21:00.003+08:00

Yesterday we went up to genting to celebrate Mother's day. Was kinda harsh that daddy drove his car up, can sense that the car if very difficult climbing up the hill. After that, the car can't start at all. We was like, are we going to stay here tonight? Then luckily, got the car stared. According to my uncle, it was because of the car reaches its maximum while climbing up the hill. What the heck! Scares the crap outta me! But at last we manage to reach home at 2a.m. Phew.

Wake up this morning, went to grandma's house after breakfast, and stuck there for few hours. Then under some force of boring, I took the newspaper and start reading it. Firstly was those havoc in Perak. Political wasn't fun at all. Here there encourage the younger generation to join. There they show how "fun" it is. Who the hell want to join?

Then something caught my attention, the advertisment of Durex! They stated that, dunno how many percentage of people might reach orgasm with their condoms. I was like, okie~~

Then another title caught my attention. "Let her go if you love her". Well, it's nothing special actually, just the title was the lyrics of a song. Then the situation was kinda smiliar to mine. I was freaking worry after I read that article. Don't ask me why, just that a force of worry came out from nowhere suddenly. Well, i realize that, she is soooooooooo important for me. But, is it people won't cherish until they lose it? NOOO!!!!

Then the chain of worriness pulled out more and more repressed worries in me. Parents are comparing me and the others, then uncle said, must set up an example for their siblings. :-S

Then mee told me about the air stewardess thingy. If it was her dream, of coz i'll support. But if, like..flying here and there, then would expose to more people, then.. :S. Am i just too paranoid?

Well, according to the answer explanations of the article, it is the best to let the person you love to have a peace memory. Haiz..what should I do? Even mee thinks that it is good for me to look for others. But hell, I'm not a playboy. It's not easy for me to like, look for others then can delo. Yet i'm attached emotionally to mee. And i'm working hard for me to get to her. And this is the response? I should get others? :-S

I don't know, maybe it works for her, cz I think, she need a person by her side more than me. But definitely, looking for another was not in my list!!

I don't know. I'm just like in a sampan in the middle of the sea...with strong mist. And am don't know where am i heading at all.

I'm sad. I'm confuse. I don't know what to do at all. May be I know, but I can't be specific into it.

Kill me!!! Kill me!!

By the way I think I got heart attack. Haha.

No Pain No Gain

2009-05-02T22:57:00.002+08:00

Long time never blog liao. But never mind. Based on the tag board. Not say that alooot of people are viewing my blog. Sometimes I was wondering, Why can't I am as good as the other in doing anything? Like..how come my blog is not as popular as the others? How come I'm not as smart or clever as the other? How come I'm not as successful as the other? May be I can write a book of...1000 how come? instead of Why. Lolz. Dreamer.

Wake Up Dumbass!!

These days I was in a dilemma on going which Uni overseas to study. Like I got alot of choice like that. Haha. Well, Mee told me something really ugly. But from that, I think I foound out something. I tot I left so called my dream behind. But actually I'm not. Darn good I 'm still with it. But according to mee, I've these "dreams" THREE years ago, and i'm REPEATING it now.

She admit that she was impressed by those dreams last time, but freaking me keep disappointing her again and again and again and again. I guess there's not much hope left in it. Well, i admit. I disappointed her ALOOOOOT.

Besides those, I think i never do my promises to her. maybe some words outside are correct. Men make promises like eating..vege? I don't know what it is in english. coz I watch HK drama. OK?

I'm such a bad bf. NO?

I think I've decided my pathway since the first, but i got influenced during the game, and started to recalculating my pathway. But there's no U-turn. and luckily there aren't.

Things gone bad, but no point looking back and feel sad. Now is have to cover up them.

Sometimes people have to sacrifice someting to gain, I think this time was a time to LOSE something. In order to gain. Haha.

Well..jsut sometimes need some acknowledge only.

I will continue 'em!!

Frus again?!

2009-04-27T22:03:00.002+08:00

I'm tired. Not physically, but more to mentally tired. I don't know why. Actually I got alot to blog. But things just can't come into my mind. My brain are overflowed with negative information. Lotsa stuff happens to me these days.

I had a bloody hell Group member. Well, looks like I'll have to do it myself again. Just 2 days...negative information eat up a lion's share in my mind. I can't be that smart anymore which is think very clearly and come out with gorgeous idea.

Exam is coming very very soon after I check on the calender. I have this weekend to study. :-S But first have to get my presentation slides done.

Mind was empty. But luckily I got Mee. I miss her berry berry much. :(

Quiz and Fridge

2009-04-16T17:46:00.002+08:00

Another take home quiz for today. Damn! I love take homw quiz more than those quizzez doing on the spot because it gave me a kind of prepare and Hey! I can get higher marks for that!

According to Bill, alot of students hate his MCQ> Personally he likes essays more than MCQ because in essay, you know the term, then you know, you don't know, then sorry. (Bill, 2009).

I bet Bill had planned to gave us a quiz today dela, I'll put in effort in doing my quiz compare with my report and presentation because:

1. 5 quizzez cost us 40%, which he'll take the best 4, which means, each quiz cost 10%.
2. both of our asignments and presentation cost 10% each.
3. Quiz is easier than writing a report!

Now do you get it?

Me and my brother complained to grandma that our fridge is always empty. But when grandma look into our fridge, she said your fridge is FULL !!! Then I was wondering why she said that. After a few minutes, i know the meaning. It's because that our definition of empty and full in the fridge term was...

For us, EMPTY means there are nothing that we can eat immediately. And full is the opposite, but for grandma, Full means that there are alot of thing stuffed in which can be COOK!!

Darn! Yeap, I saw chickens, fishes, veges, even fruits! in my fridge. Even it has my favourite- a watermelon. But still, I lazy to cut la. so i assume it's empty. See the difference?

I think I should start to learn how to cook. Damn!

A correct location.

2009-04-12T22:34:00.002+08:00

Finally!! I was about to get to marry the person I love. My girlfriend, that co-habitated with me for a year. Of course, I'm happy with it.

But there's one thing that I think it's a problem for me. Which is my fiancee's sister - Amanda. A 23 years old hot babe. She likes to wear those shirt's that are thin enough, and some really tight miniskirts. The worst is, she like to bend down infront of me. The thing is, she don't do these in front of other guys.

A month before our wedding, Amanda called me, regarding the design of the invitation card. When I reach her place, there was no one in the house besides her. Then she hugged me and say: "The one I love is going to marry, but not with me. What i can do for us before your wedding, is to give my first time to you."

Then she walk up the stairs." I'll wait U in my room, come up if you have decided."

I was shocked, and stood about a minute, and I've made a decision. Immediately I open the door, and quickly head towards my car.

Once I open the door, I saw my fiancee's father and my fiancee standing outside and weeping. Quickly he gives me a hug and told me.."You have passed our family's marriage test, congrats, welcome to our family."

My fiancee was so touch, and I was so relieve at the moment. And after that, I live in a happy family.

This story told us that......It's a right choice to place the condoms in your CAR!!!!

Damn!! I laugh like hell after I read this email. Well, those are crap la. Hope You'll enjoy it.

Tagged!!

2009-04-12T00:52:00.004+08:00

SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 100 films, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 256 films on this list. Then, put X's next to the films you've seen, add them up, then change the header adding your number.Teen / Romance:

( ) A Cinderella Story
( ) Another Cinderella Story
( ) Step Up
( ) Step Up 2
( ) High School Musical
( ) High School Musical 2
( ) High School Musical 3
( ) Hannah Montana Movie
( ) Enchanted
( ) Sydney White
Total: I get an Egg here.

( ) She's the Man
( ) Licensed to Wed
( ) The Break-Up
( ) 13 Going on 30
( ) 27 Dresses
( ) P.S I Love You
( ) Maid of Honour
( ) What Happens in Vegas
( ) Get Smart
( ) The Princess Brides
Total: Another Egg. :(

( ) Camp Rock
( ) Wild Child
( ) Ella Enchanted
( ) The Princess Diaries
( ) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
( ) 50 First Dates
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Hotel For Dogs
( ) Just Married
( ) Freaky Friday
Total: Wow! U think I watch movie ah!

( ) The Hot Chick
( ) Sleepover
( ) Confessions Of a Shopaholic
( ) Twilight
( ) Nancy Drew
( ) The Devil Wears Prada (I've hear of devil eats prata as well, LoL)
( ) No Reservations
( ) Perfect Man
( ) Australia
( ) Never Been Kissed
Total: Never been in a movie.

Comedy / Humour:
( ) Yes Man
(X) Bedtime Stories
( ) The Pink Panther
( ) The Pink Panther 2
(X) Marley & Me
( ) Cheetah Girls
( ) Cheetah Girls 2
( ) Bratz
( ) Haunted Mansion
( ) Paul Blart Mall Cop
Total: 2!!!

( ) Mr & Mrs Smith
( \) I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry (cz i only watched half of it)
( ) The 40-Year-Old Virgin
(X) Night in the Museum
( ) Night in the Museum 2
( ) Evan Almighty
( ) Bruce Almighty
( ) White Chicks
( ) Neverending Story
(X) The Love Guru
Total: 1.5

(X) Meet the Spartans
( ) Meet the Parents
( ) Meet the Fockers
( ) Home Alone
( ) Home Alone 2
( ) Home Alone 3
( ) Home Alone 4
(X) Date Movie
(X) Epic Movie
(X) Disaster Movie
Total: 4 here!

( ) Scream
( ) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
(X) Scary Movie
(X) Scary Movie 2
(X) Scary Movie 3
(X) Scary Movie 4
( ) American Pie
( ) American Pie 2
( ) American Pie Band Camp
Total: 4 Again!!

Adventures:
( ) Harry Potter 1: The Sorcerer’s Stone
( ) Harry Potter 2: The Chamber's Secret
( ) Harry Potter 3: Prisoner of Azkaban
( ) Harry Potter 4: Goblet of Fire
( ) Harry Potter 5: Order of Phoenix
( ) Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
( ) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
( ) Lord of the Rings: Return Of the King
( ) Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
(X) Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Total: Surprisingly I got one here!

( ) Bridge To Terabithia
( ) The Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants
( ) Eragon
( ) The Shaggy Dog
( ) The Spiderwick Chronicles
( ) Charlotte's Web
( ) Nanny Mcphee
(X) Stuart Little
( ) Stuart Little 2
() The Cat In The Hat
Total: 1

( ) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
( ) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
( ) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
(X) Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull
(X) The Mummy
(X) The Mummy 2
(X) The Mummy 3
(X) Journey to the Centre of Earth
( ) City of Ember
( ) Finding Neverland
Total: 5

( ) Pirates of the Caribbean
( ) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End
(X) X-Men
(X) X-Men 2 ( I think I watched this)
( ) X-Men 3 Origins Wolverine
(X) Spider-Man
(X) Spider-Man 2
(X) Spider Man 3
(X) King Kong
Total: 7

(\) Hellboy
( ) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
( ) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
( ) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
( ) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
( ) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
( ) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
(\) Underdog
( ) A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(X) Batman: The Dark Knight
Total: 1+0.5+0.5!

Action/ Thriller:
(X) The Matrix
(X) The Matrix Reloaded
(X) The Matrix Revolutions
(X) Terminator
(X) Terminator 2
(X) Terminator 3
( ) Ocean's Eleven
( ) Ocean's Twelve
( ) Ocean’s Thirteen
(X) Casino Royale 007
Total: 7

( ) Bourne Identity
( ) Bourne Supremacy
( ) Underworld
( ) Butterfly Effect
(X) Death Note
(X) Death Note 2
(X) Death Note 3: L Change the world
(X) Resident Evil 1
(X) Resident Evil 2
( ) I, Robot
Total: 5

(X) Rush Hour
(X) Rush Hour 2
(X) Rush Hour 3
(X) Shanghai Knights
(X) Shanghai Noon
( ) Around The World In 80 Days
(X) Mission Impossible 1
(X) Mission Impossible 2
(X) Mission Impossible 3
( ) I Am Legend
Total: 8

Horror / Gore:
( ) Predator I
( ) Predator II
( ) Signs
(X) Saw
(X) Saw II
(X) Saw III
(X) Saw IV
(X) Saw V
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
Total: 5

(X) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
(X) Final Destination
(X) Final Destination 2
(X) Final Destination 3
( ) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
( ) Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
Total: 3

( ) Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
( ) The Grudge
( ) The Grudge 2
( ) The Haunted Apartment
( ) Siren
(X) Silent Hill
(X) The Mask
( ) Son Of The Mask
( ) Alone
Total: 2

( ) Omen
( ) House Of Wax
( ) The Eye
( ) The Eye 2
(X) Shutter
( ) When The Stranger Calls
( ) The Fog
( ) The Orphanage
( ) The Skulls
( ) Night Of The Living Dead
Total: 1 !?

( ) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Slither
( ) Flight Of The Living Dead: Outbreak On A Plane
(X) REC
(X) Anaconda
(X) Anaconda 2: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid
( ) Anaconda 3: Offspring
( ) Anaconda 4: Trail of Blood
Total: 3

Cartoons:
( ) Lilo & Stitch
( ) Ice Age
( ) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
(X) Madagascar
(X) Madagascar 2
(X) Kung Fu Panda
( ) Bolt
(/) Wall-E (I slept halfway)
( ) Monsters Inc
( ) Shark Tale
Total: 3.5

( ) The Simpsons Movie
( ) Charlie & The Chocolate Factory
( ) Shrek
( ) Shrek 2
( ) Shrek 3
(X) Finding Nemo
( ) ET
( ) Cars
(\) Ratatouille (Again I selpt)
(X) Alvin And The Chipmunks
Total: 2.5

(X) Toy Story
(X) Toy Story 2
( ) The Incredibles
(X) Meet The Robinsons
( ) Happy Feet
( ) The Spongebob Squarepants Movie
(X) Over The Hedge
(X) Flushed Away
(X) Chicken Little
( x) Race To Witch Mountain
Total: 7

Inspirational:
( ) Little Miss Sunshine
( ) I Am Sam
( ) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Coach Carter
( ) The Last Dance
( ) To Kill A Mockingbird
( ) Conrack
( ) Midnight Sun
( ) Little Black Book
( ) Rwanda Genocide
Total: 0

Classics:
( ) Ten Things I Hate About You
(X) Titanic
( ) Romeo & Juliet
( ) Frankenstein
( ) A Midsummer Night's Dream
(X) Jumanji
Total: 1

TOTAL ALTOGETHER : 75.5/256

Yeap! Do U mean I got a good life? I don't know i've watch that lots of movie. Of course, compare with yammy, there's no way I can beat her score in this. -.-

But I miss her :(

POS - Piece Of Shit

2009-04-10T17:12:00.002+08:00

I'm Damn pissed off!! Damn Frustrating!!! All I want to shout is FUCK YOU POS MALAYSIA! I found this poster:
It's from http://www.felix-entertainment.com/press/pos-malaysia.htm

Why Am I pissed off? Because there are so many bloody greedy people in this world. Here economy recession. Ooo..Jobless. There you go and lost people's parcel. If One day U got bankrupt. I'll be the first one clapping my hands and legs. Even I have no any of those, I'll still whistle!!

Damn! Yammy sent me a parcel contained A HANDPHONE!! and a PORTABLE HARD DISK!!!
Due to My Handphone is getting older and older, So Yammy decided to send me a phone. I waited and waited for a week, I realise there're something wrong. So I call the not Toll Free number 1300-300-300, and I lodge a report to them. Then I got redirect to a few numbers as well. And waited and waited, Lastly they called me and say " Your Parcel is Untraceable In KLIA" And she said this is what she can help me. And gave me the number of her Manager.

WHAT THE HECK??? Untraceable in KLIA? Means? Left KLIA? And lost? I think there are some bloody greedy mailman that took this things. I think they havent got to see such a Handphone before. Fuck You!! For those who took my parcel.

I'm So frustrated. When hatred comes up to my mind, I can think of alot of ways to pay them back. Bribe the manager? Ask for help from little postman? I even tot of tracing it using supernatural power!! According to my aunty....There's some kind of power that can trace the thing u want. Like a magic crystal ball, can see what you want to see.

I even Tot of putting BOMOH on that bloody greedy person. Curse Him to death. Yes!! This is the best way. Don't mess with me. I'll do that. I'm not the first one. There are lotsa people out there losing their phones, cash, etc etc. Bloody greedy people. Damn can't you just be honest?

Pos Malaysia. U suck! Okie la. Mb pos malaysia is too wide. narrow Down abit. Greedy staff in Pos Malaysia, You guys SUX!!! Fuck You!!!

If I got back my parcel originally in a week, I'll post an apology here. I know you wont see this. But I will. But if I don't. Seriously I think i'll have to look for BOMOH in Thailand. Bring this bloody person to HELL.

OOO? Am I mean?Yes I am! People who mess with me Shall be dead. Once again.

FUCK YOU!! BLOODY GREEDY PERSON.

Did That Heppen To You?

2009-04-09T17:59:00.004+08:00

Well. I saw this Tag in one of my cousin's blog. And i've been tagged since don't know when. Then ok. I'll do the tag then. Of course, tag always have some rules. Then here are there.

1. Answer the questions as honestly *or as funny* as possible.
2. Post this as "Did That Happen To You?"
3. Tag 20 friends.
4. Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.
5. Have fun!

Question 1 : What do you do if you are in the bathroom with a beetle flying around?
Damn! I'll crush my door and dash out to my room (or downstairs) to get the Ridsect!! Yes I got it in my room as well. So what? Well..Depends still, If I'm naked then I'll Still DO THE SAME!

Question 2: What do you do if you hear a song you like playing on the radio when you are all alone in the room?
I'll just sing and dance follows the rhythm. But of course, my room has no Radio. Cz I uses INTERNET!!

Question 3: You want to speak to your crush badly. What is your pick up line?
A knock-knock joke. "Knock-Knock! Who's there? Me! I'll Kill you"

Question 4: What do you do if all your friends hate a particular band that you love?
I'll ask them Shut the hell up and listen to me to "influence" them to my band.

Question 5: What do you do when you trip and fall in front of many people?
I'll first check my breast! And cry among the crowds.

Question 6: You forgot to do your multiple-choice question homework (the one whereby you have to choose 1 out of 4 options given to you as your answer) and it had to be submit in 5 minutes. What do you do?
I'll shade the longest answer! According to my research, Longest answer always will be the correct answer (Low, 2008)

Question 7 : You have bad breath and someone speaks to you. How do you react?
I think I'll be speaking to the sky. Which means keep looking up and blow the breath slightly towards the sky and pretend the weather is very good or I like birds. Eventho It's NOT!!

Question 8: You just finished gym and after a shower, you drop your clean clothes on the wet floor. What do you do?
I'll just wear it on as well. And walk out to the gym to get some cooler air to dry my clothes up. Hah!

Question 9 :What do you do if a personality quiz says that you have a lousy personality as your result?
I'll be smacking on the keyboard and say. " This personality test is fake and insignificant"

Question 10: Your friend gave you the worst gift you have ever received and asks: Do you like it? How do you react?
Of course I'll say like it! Worst gift better than no gift at all. And "Armm Dui" myself for saying that.

Question 11: (Continued from question 10) What are you really thinking secretly inside?
What the heck. Who cares.

Question 12: A hot guy/girl keeps looking at you while you are on the bus. What are you secretly thinking inside?
Am I hot too? :p ( See what? See what? Havent see hot guy before arh?)

Question 13:
Your crush and you are eating dinner together, the food you've ordered came first, you do not want him or her to look at you eating while his or her food hasn't come. What will you do?
I'll just wait for your food to be here. Or you want to try mine first? Mummy say we must wait for eveyone.

Question 14: You are alone in your house and you realized that there is a burglar. What do you do?
Call the police. And try to sneak out of the house and ask for help!

Question 15: What do you do when your best friend had just spoilt your favourite one and only camera with all the important photos you cherished inside?
I'll kick his ass and ask him to buy me back a better camera!!! With HD, anti-shaking, 15 Megapixel!

Question 16: What do you do when you receive a call from a kidnapper and your friend is in their hands?
I'll ask them to calm down. Then I'll call the police and let them do the things.

Question 17: What do you do if you break your friend's favourite vase but he or she didn't saw it?
I'll stay as far as possible from that vase and pretend to go near to see what happen to the vase when it breaks. Like " OO!! What's that noise? Aww...Who the hell broke this vase?"

Question 18: You were told to buy carrots by your mother, but you forgotten it and went back home with garlic. How will you explain to your mother?
I'll told mummy. "No carrot was sold, got also those cheapskate one. So i didn buy." And head up to my room. I'm a bad boy. No?

Question 19: What do you do when you saw a cat chasing a mouse?
I'll chase myself out of that particular place. Damn!

Question 20: You missed your favourite tv show and it was the season finale. What do you do?
I'll YouTube it or buy the VCD of that whole season later on.

Question 21: There is a crash in your schedule, one is your friend's wedding, the other is your another friend's last day of funeral. What will you do?
I'll go for the wedding. At least got food to eat. No one likes to go to funeral. Right?

I wouldn't Tag anyone. But Yammy :p

Do the tag at your own risk!

Time Flies

2009-04-08T21:06:00.003+08:00

I wasted my time WHOLE DAY!! Why would i say so? Well...I woke up at 12. There wasted 4 hours. Then went out brunch. Then got home about 2pm. Then I started to call the POS Malaysia. Then they say my parcel was stuck in the custom. So I have to deal with the custom myself. Then I called them lo. Then got redirect to another number.

So when i call the last number, then tell the operator about my problem lo, then later on she say will call me back within 10 minutes. So i waited and waited. After an hour(I was sleeping and wait, there wasted 5 hours), She never call back and I have to call them again. Then the person said that she can't call the operation chief. Then have to wait till tomorrow. Damn! Have to wait. But well, I hope she'll call because she promise that she will. And I hope that I can get the parcel by this week. My Sony is getting weaker, self turn off de. :(

Wasted 5 hours today. Damn, can I get back those time?

Movies and Parcel

2009-04-07T21:58:00.006+08:00

I was exhausted today. Probably because I'm getting older and physically I can't endure more sleeping late. It is sooooo damn tiring. I fixed my granpa's computer and it took me dunno how many hours to get it done because it's a very very very old computer. Have to search for the drivers and stuff. Then after that, I'm back to work on my Quiz. Damn. Slept at 3 am yesterday and woke up on 8 today. Then go college, what Mr Bill teaching was totally not going into my mind. Blergh.

Watched 3 movies last week. The first one was this.

My Bloody Valentine !! But of course, Malaysia can't affort a 3D for this. So when you go to the cinema, the word 3D is in black color. Was nice and disgusting, yet we watch it at 12 something in the midnight. NICE!!

Then few days later, WC got into a fight with his dad, then I have to teman him movie marathon. And the movie we watched was as below:

Shinjuku Incident. While we are queing up for tickets, we met a friend that said: "Haiya, buy DVD and watch la, people say this movie not nice. So i decided watch fast and furious only". Then we ignore what that guy say and we insist of going for this movie. It was nice! people don't like this movie because the usual Jackie Chan was undead, and fighting with his style and those funny scene. But not this. He plays a role of a very normal people that sneak into Japan for job. Obviously that was no any funny fighthing scene, but some kinda violence scene in there. Me and Wc was satisfied not because of what, but what they said in that movie. Basically the whole movie was played by Jackie Chan itself. Daniel Wu and that Japanese are just appears in the scene few time. But Daniel Wu was kinda Yeng in the movie. Rated 4 stars over 5 ^_^

Lastly, this is the one.

The Fast and the furious 4!! Of course, in this movie there's be some fascinating cars and some hot chicks in it. Well, the story line in it was kinda normal, just that their cars was awesome!! Man, i feel like getting one of those cars. Besides the cars, the main character Mr.Diesel was kinda yeng in his action. Well, Smart guys, hot chicks, and sexy cars. What do you expect? it get's a 3.5 stars over 5 from me!!

I'm getting worrier, the parcel that yammy sent to me supposedly arrive yesterday or today. But it didnt!! I've sent an email to Pos Malaysia. Who cares. Pray that that parcel will appear by tomorrow. God Bless the parcel.

HOT!!

2009-03-31T21:50:00.003+08:00

It's freaking hot out there!!! Nowadays the weather are insane!! Hot till headache liao. >.< Even it's no cure after i poped two panadols that cost 500mg each tablets.So I went to pasar malam to have a walk, and had a can of 100+. There goes better.

Damn...my house is hot, my room is hot. Even my damn computer is hot too. Was wondering why. :( He's fast, but hot. Waaay hot.

Damn! Damn! I'm hot. Am going to take a cold bath. It's the fourth time i'm taking bath today.

"Wednesday"

2009-03-30T12:12:00.002+08:00

I woke up early in the morning today! According to myself, I thinks that waking up early in the morning was a good use of time, cz you can do alot of stuff in the morning. So i woke up at 7.30 in the morning. Yay! Cheer for me ! *applause* I feel proud of myself because I manage to wake up so early in the morning and I slept so late at 2am yesterday. *Bigger applause*

But the thing is, I woke up, brush my teeth, ate my breakfast. And I look at the clock, it's only 8am. Then you guys kow la, after breakfast or lunch or dinner, the dizzy feeling. Surprisingly, I get back to sleep. *Boo* And the sleeping is like, to 9.15am. *Bigger BOO*. So quickly I wake up and take my bag and ready to go for college. And LUCKILY I check my course outline that placed on my table, It stated there, "Lecturer on Leave - to be replaced on April 18, 9-11am." , I was like WTH?
I thought his leave is until yesterday only? Then i felt that i have wasted my time, after looking at some journals until 10am. I get back to dream again. -.-

Brother's not feeling well todya so he didn't go to school today, Thx to yesterday's activity - Ching ming （清明), that's more on the festival, If direct translate will be WEDNESDAY(拜三 - 拜山）, if talk it in a proper and correct way, we call is 扫墓.

On that day, we woke up eaaaaarly in the morning which is 5.30am, get prepared and meet everyone else in my ahma's house at 6am. Then we reach the cemetary at about 6.30 i guess. At that time, the place was full with people already. Before we get into our ancestor's grave yard, we went to a temple. Outside that temple, I saw some...small paper boat? that selling at the price of Rm100 - Rm300. Which stated "A class location - Rm300, B class location - Rm200, C class location- Rm100". It was a location to pray for that God. Well, my uncle says, like mercedez like that, A class B class C class, then he laugh. I laugh too because he works as a training manager in mercedez benz. Even at this kind of location still he is thiking of work -.-

So after that we went to our ancestor's graveyard, and we start to clean the graveyard by, eliminating those grass, then add on those gold color for the words there. burning those stuff for him and stuff. The first ancestor we go to pray? for is my grandfather's grandfather. I've never see him before, as in, duh~ of course. And then the moment we burn those stuff to the dead, one of my uncle notice that, Hey!! It's not his stuff, cz his name is not on it. Well, then all we blame the A class uncle cz he is the one who take these stuff out. Then quickly he go and tell the dead. "Sorry ah, i took the wrong thing, later you go and exchange with your son". I was laughing this time..really laugh at him. Well, not say he'll read my blog. :p

Later on we went to another ancestor, which is my great granfather. I never see him before as well, but my dad did. The same thing we are doing, but this time get's tougher, because the sun has rise, it's FREAKING HOT ok. Almost after everything, one of my uncle that really can crack alot of jokes decorates the graveyard, and color the madarin oriental hotel logo at the graveyad because the "style" that engraved into it was like that. And he point to that logo and say: "mandarin oriental, the fourth hotel will be here". Damn! He is a joker.

After all, was really tired. Once home, after bath, I'm on bed already. Brother told me everytime after "Wednesday" we'll not feeling well. Every year is the same. He always sleeps very very very late, i told him, 时运低, he might disturbed by spiritual stuff. That scares the hell out of him. Lol.

Tho my family was inherited with some anger genes, and bald genes, as my uncle complain the pen that we use to write chinese calligraphy that we bought to color the words on the graveyards inherited with our family genes - hair drop easily, -.- , but still, those are uncles that treat me very good, so good that I still like them alot.